Take two (or rather twenty)

Well I've been working hard for over a year to get healthy. I've made some huge changes like dropping over fifty pounds, getting my health in check, finding my confidence, basically trying to become the best version of me. Along the way I have had some minor set backs and have had to start over several times. The last few weeks I find myself at that place where I need to start over again. It pisses me off in all honesty. I know better yet here I am eating crap and lots of it.

I know I can't undo what I've done so I guess I can only try to learn from this and move on. There is no really reason why I'm here again. Mentally I feel better than I have in a long time. For some reason I felt as if I needed to celebrate my birthday. I had lots of "junk" in celebration of my turning 40. Then I just had to eat all of the stuff patients brought in. Here I am 4 pounds up and feeling like crap.

So here I am again reevaluating and restarting. I just need to remind myself that the little tastes and bites really don't taste that good and considering how it makes feel its so not worth it. So if I see you over the next few weeks and I decline your offering of goodies please don't be offended. This is not just a fad I'm going through but my life.

Maybe one of these times I'll get it right.

Shanken not stirred

I don't scare easily. Well I suppose I do at like scary movies and spiders, the usual startling things, but not the rattle your bones and make your stomach drop to your toes kind of scared. Tonight my blood ran cold.

About a week ago our dryer stopped working & since it falls on the heels of me hitting a deer & Kevin hitting a deer & Jamie's car breaking down & on & on & on, I am temporarily having to use the laundry mat to dry clothes. I wash up a bunch then take them down to dry. I was doing just that a short time ago & found I had no cash in hand. So I parked my car & walked around the corner to the ATM on Main St. I debated about going to the ATM at the Acorn however I have leggings & a sweater on & was to hot with my boots on so I stuck my sneakers on and just didn't bother changing. I look dumb & just didn't want anyone to see me. I figured no one would recognise me walking to the ATM downtown.

Anyway I parked my car and went to get cash. I just took my money & was grabbing my card when I heard something behind me. This young kid, maybe Liana's age or a little older, came walking up to me. No really a walk but not a run either, quick like. I jumped & said "you scared the shit out of me." He looked behind him & said "just give me the money." Before I even had a second to think I asked him if $20 was worth getting shot over.

That's when I felt my stomach drop. He looked right in my eyes and ran off down the road. I am not carrying a gun, do not own a gun, do not have a pistol permit. It was just a natural response. Truthfully if the kid needed money I'd have given it to him. In fact I am far more likely to do that then ever actually shoot someone. But it scared me.

I left and went back to my car and put my clothes in the dryers. The whole time I couldn't shake that feeling. Even now, after I'm home I'm still shaken. I always walk after dark, leave my cars unlocked, keys in it, heck half the time I leave the house unlocked because Liana will forget her keys and I worry she won't be able to get in. I live in this community because I like being able to do those things. Not any more.

This was just a kid. Who knows how it would have turned out if I hadn't turned at that exact moment or if I would have not said that. I do know there is a good chance I will see this kid again. He had a Canisteo-Greenwood sweatshirt on. I will, without a doubt recognise him. I wonder if he will recognise me.

Maybe it is time to get my pistol permit or at the very least become more aware of my surroundings.

Ok maybe this will help

I've had psoriasis for as long as I can remember. Some years I was clear some years not. It bothered my psychologically but never physically until now. Just over a month ago I experienced the worst outbreak of my life. Up until that time I had never had the itch. That is no longer the case. Out of deaspiration I went to the dermatologist & agreed to try a medication the suppresses the immunosystem. That ended badly and I sought a different dermatologist. I continue to take the medication along with a cream and I am miserable!

I take the med on Monday mornings. By Tuesday afternoon I get a few spots that Itch. By Wednesday night I am miserable. Its not an itch like when you get a mosquito bite. It's like an itch coming from the inside out. No matter how hard you try you just can't "reach" it so you constantly scratch until it hurts. No matter how hard you try to resist the urge to scratch you can't. Focusing on anything else is useless as eventually the  insistent itch takes over every other thought. Thursday morning I wake to hot, inflamed skin that hurts and feels as if it will stretch right off my body. Oh and still itchy.

I've tried everything known to help, aloe, oatmeal, vitamins, creams, lotions, foods, drinks..... Nothing stops this process.

I am at the end of my rope here with this. I can not take one more minute of this process. I'm defeated and feel hopeless about this situation so I thought I'd open up to others. Maybe someone knows of something or someone that has gotten relief that I haven't tried. Or knows of a practitioner that isn't just trying the same steroidal creams and medications. Basically at this point I'm willing to try just about anything.   

To date I have tried evey cream & lotion available with & without a script, methotrexate, acupuncture, massage therapy, light therapy, lots & lots of home remedies that would amaze most. I'm literally desperate here :( 

Two steps forward....

I have said time and again I was making this my best year yet and in many ways that has been true. In many ways however I feel like I take a couple of steps forward then a couple backwards. Here October is breathing down my neck & honestly I feel last year was way better for me. I'm not even sure how the year got away from me. I feel like I've spent the last 9.5 months waiting. Waiting to feel better, waiting for the money, waiting until I was finished with whatever was going on, always waiting for my next step. In the meantime I was taking steps backwards.

I said the whole time I was taking charge of my life and was going to move forward regardless of anything & here I am using the waiting as excuses not to push forward. Who cares if others can't hike on days I want to. Who says I can't hike on my own? I can. I should have been. Who says I can't eat right without an updated plan? I can. I should have been doing that. Who says I can't go to Florida to celebrate my friend because I was worried about spending the money we didn't have. I should have done that. After all the money I would have spent went to enable others to continue their bad behaviours while we continually scrape by. Who says I can't have it all. So what I've felt like shit for the whole damn year. Apparently this is my new normal so I should get off my ass anyway.

I've been so worried about stupid things that I have not done what I should have done. I've gotten into this little pattern that isn't really me. At work I've tried to sit back and stay out of things while others are speaking out about things they think are wrong, or sitting by while I watch others do things I think are wrong. I sit there watching it all unfold hoping when it all comes to a head (because these things always do), I could still be there unaffected & still there able to do what I do with a provider I believe in at a company I believe in. The result is I'm holding onto resentments that are making me clench my jaw resulting in a nonstop headache. Why? There is no damn reason for it. I've sat there in my little corner of the world watching and hearing it all pass by. Rather than it having the desired result I am the one that is the odd man out. Friday I nearly walked out of my job & that's not me. I fucking love my job. I honestly feel like I AM living the dream. Why would I allow the bullshit one person says / does affect me to the point of leaving what I love? The bottom line is I had a bad week then I heard someone say that a "real Nurse" had to do something as opposed to a co-worker that is an LPN. That's dumb. Who gives a shit what she thinks? Not me. I'm confident in my abilities as a nurse. I'm confident that in a emergency my provider can count on me to know what to do. Why would I allow one ignorant person to drag me into such a tail spin?

It was a terrible week. Actually its been a terrible month. Wednesday evening I just got home from work. Jeff was working, Liana was at her friends, Kevin was off with friends. I got home late, leaving crap at work do to the next day. Just got home and Kevin came rushing through the door. He told me to come outside which I did to find Tonia inconsolable. Their dog (Mopey), had been hit. These kids surprised me. They acted quickly and although they may have broken some traffic laws and narrowly escaped a high speed traffic chase, took charge of the situation and reacted to get him help.  The next morning they had to transfer him to a different vet. Once they got him there the kids got the call they needed to get to the hospital as their Grandfather was not doing well. Before they got the chance to leave the house they got the call it was to late. The shitty thing about divorce is when you have to divorce the while family. I loved that man & would have wanted to go and say my own Goodbys but I didn't feel I could. As Kevin was headed to Tonia's that evening they got the call that Mopey didn't make it.  So Friday he spent his day burying him. The poor kid has not had a chance to even feel the impact if what has happened because the hits keep coming.

I'm angry. Like really honestly, wholeheartedly pissed off. The kind of mad where I wanna run as hard & fast as I can to stop & scream at the top of my lungs and throw heavy things that will crash and break with a large amount of noise. The kind where I wanna punch and kick and basically destroy something. 

The bottom line I guess is I've stuck my head in the sand and life kept going on around me while I was just stuck in the sand. And for what? Everything has just been excuses not to push forward. This is my life & I am responsible for it. I choose to be happy & positive. I choose to become the best version if me I can. I choose to allow the negativity of others to pass by me & I choose to try every day to be a positive influence to those I connect with. I basically don't give a shit what others think of me because at the end of the day caring what they think & say & do has caused me unneeded stress and the result is the same.

I WANT my success way more than anyone else in this world does & to get it I need to push forward, out of this slump.

Enough sorting all of this out out loud. Its time to get busy. 

New things

Along the lines of trying new things I thought I'd give some foods a try. First were the beans I grew in the garden. For the second year in a row they have produced so many and they just look like they would taste great. So I ate one. I didn't love it but I didn't exactly hate it either. I forced myself to eat the entire thing. Later that week Jeff made some he was sure I'd love. Cooked in butter & smothered in cheese. They were good but counter productive to my health goals.

Next onto tuna fish from a can. I don't like mayo or miracle whip so I've never had it. I added some lemon and seasoning and guess what... Loved it. I even got Kevin to try some. I loved it for about 45 minutes then the hives started. After thinking about it I don't think I have an allergy to the tuna because I've had tuna steaks before. It was more likely an additive or something. Perhaps one day I'll try it again but not for a while.

Last night I had the opportunity to try another food I have been wanting to. Tomatoes. The neighbor gave me a cherry tomato and before I could think I popped it right in my mouth. Not good. Didn't like it.

All in all I'm pretty impressed. While none of my new tries were successful I at least tried. It has taken me thirty-some years to get up the nerve but I did.

Non food new tries this week were pretty fun as well. A group of 3 of us wanted to get some extra workouts in so we got together with no plan & no direction and did 30 minutes of cardio. Usually I wouldn't have done anything in front of other people especially not knowing what the hell I was doing but we did it and were sweaty & nothing got injured. I'd say pretty good.

I'm also trying to ignore the things that have been bothering me lately about people. I need to be more tolerant and remember everyone is going through things.

We all have a story

I woke up this morning cranky and feeling pretty sorry for myself. The why's aren't really important. I went for my morning workout and had one of the best I've ever had. It literally was like hitting my reset button. It was so fun I kind of want to do it again right now. To bad my energy level is drained.


After an awesome morning like that I was pretty melancholy and spent much of the morning working quietly, taking care of what needed taken care of. Often times this allows me to hear what others are saying. Most of the time I have to tune them out because I get sick to death of hearing people bitch and moan about everyone else. I literally feel like someone is dragging their fingernails down a chalkboard when this happens. I feel like standing up and screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JUDGMENTAL FREAKS!" You just can't seem to get away from it. People at the grocery store in line are complaining about the chick on welfare down the street who is buying groceries they don't feel she should. They don't mention that her husband left her and her kids high and dry not bothering to give her support or be a father to the kids. I didn't hear anything about why she was buying what she was. No one mentioned that it was the youngest b-day and what she was buying was the only gift the kid wanted. The people at the next table over are complaining about so and so who has so many children by a couple of different dads that she shouldn't be allowed to produce any more. Never mind that her children are the best behaved children that come into the restaurant. Or that she is working two jobs to support her children so she doesn't need services. Or how about the person who must be addicted to prescription med's because they are taking it.

  I just can't take it any more. I am sure if people could see themselves acting this way nonstop they would be mortified. Although perhaps not. Its not right and it makes for l o n g days. I've waited for so long for the proper people to step up and fix the problem because it wouldn't be right for me to do it. Wouldn't that mean that I myself would be judging someone? Judging someone who judges is probably just as wrong.


 So I am choosing no to look at it like that (my rationalization). I prefer to think of it as standing up for someone or protecting someone.  I silently think inside my head things like "if it wasn't for that person taking those RX pain meds they wouldn't be able to work then you'd do nothing but bitch about them being on the system." As well as other comments that put it back to them. However most of the "Judgers" probably would just judge my comment and attitude rather than see what they are doing. If someone brought to my attention that I was behaving that way about people or a group of people (especially given the fact I work in health care, where I see people at the most vulnerable) I would be mortified and hope my mother slapped the piss out of me for acting such a way.

Everybody has a story. Everybody has a history that they bring forth that causes them to act or react a certain way. I understand that. It just hurts my feelings that we as a society still feel the need to put others down just because we don't want to take the time to understand anything about them. Or to make our own selves feel better. Why can't we learn from history and support people and lift them up? Why is it so difficult for someone the give an Atta Boy rather than emphasize weaknesses? I don't get this.
I don't know what the answer is here and I've been struggling with it a lot in recent times. I feel completely drained and defeated by the constant negativity. I've tried to stand up and say the right thing and it often bites me in the ass. Especially with one particular person that I am exposed to on a regular basis. Actually two. One I can not do anything about. They are in a position that they should know better and there is nothing I can do about it. The other should also know better but clearly doesn't. I am confident that if her bosses knew how she treated and talked about people they wouldn't stand for it, however I'm not going to go running to them and tattle on her. I've tried killing her with kindness, tried leading by example, tried explaining people's situations and why things might be the way they are and each time the retaliation is worse until now when I'm near this person I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells and be cautious with what I say as she twist and turns it and retells which leaves me looking like an ass.

I suppose I could go live in a cave where the only negative, judging people are in my head. However I can only see that lasting until the first creepy crawly bug found its way onto my body, then I'd be hightailing it back to civilization. So I have to live in a world of negativity while trying not to let it suck me in. Because honestly thats also part of this. I have a history of allowing myself to get sucked into that pattern of negativity and then it takes me so long to climb out of it. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person that sees the glass as half full and figures out a way to fill it the rest of the way. I want to support people and build them up rather than knock them down.

Sometimes good things do happen to good people. Its more often we hear that good things happen to bad people or that bad things happen to good people. Whats the definition of good and bad? Perhaps its individual. Perhaps if you believe you have done something bad then you have and just because its bad to you does not mean its bad to someone else. For example in my opinion constantly putting someone down is bad, however in others it might be justified. Therefore if I put someone down I am doing bad things. It then makes me a bad person. Karma could turn its ugly head to me. If the next person thinks its not that bad Karma might still get them however they would see it as a bad thing happening to a good person? We all have our story.

I guess ultimately everyone faces similar situations. I am just venting because I am not wanting to do my ethics homework and today was the final straw in what has been months building. I have come close to punching someone in the froat and for real I nearly did it today. Thats my problem not theirs. I need to focus on building my own strengths and leave my weaknesses alone. I'm looking to become someone spectacular and wasting my time worrying about what others think of others is counterproductive. So tonight I choose to let it go another day and challenge my friends that are going through similar issues to do the same. Perhaps it will all work out in the end as it usually does.

 Tonight I vow to rise above the negativity and try my best to let it slide right off me, to be an advocate to those that are bullied and not participate in any of the gossip that is hurtful. I am choosing to support people and help them become the best they can be by emphasizing their strengths and helping them overcome their weaknesses and barriers. And finally I vow not to punch that annoying, hypocritical, judgmental, holy-er-than-thou, bat shit crazy freak & her friend even though I want to and I'm badass enough to do it.

Oh how far We've come

Not that long ago I would have received a text message from the ex like I did today & I would instantly be taken back to the meek, scared, insecure person that I found myself as at the end of our relationship. Today I realized that's not me anymore. That doesn't stop him from trying & trying harder to get to me but I recognize his ploys & am strong enough to stand up to him.

Recent events have literally put my kids at danger & I'm not allowing it to happen any more. Perhaps that's where my motivation to be assertive and not allow his toxicity to get to me.

I'm so proud of myself for the things I've done lately. Well lately being the last year or so lol. I work very hard at being and having a consistent and stable environment for Kevin & Liana to have. It isn't always easy to turn a deaf ear to the mean & hurtful things he says but today I did it! Perhaps the kids will take a cue & tell him to fuck off when he cuts them down the way he has.

Everyone possesses the power inside of them to stand up for themselves & not allow anyone to hurt them emotionally. The trick is to find & tap into the power then build on it to achieve greatness. I know people get annoyed or defensive of the motivational sayings I have been posting of late however I am trying to become the best version of me & this is the process that is working for me right now. I'm sorry if you don't like it however this is what it is right now.

Life fly's by so quickly that there isn't time to focus on the negativity. Growth for me is coming now that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm enjoying every step of this journey & intend yo continue doing so.

Melting......down

Today I was shocked. I have had to make some choices and make some adjustments. Some have been difficult, some fun, some painful & through all of them I have felt OK. Then today I thought I was alright with another change I had to make & surprisingly it shook me to the core. The two people that probably read this nonsense know me well enough to know that I don't make decisions lightly. I think then rethink then over think. I weigh the pros & cons, I make lists. I obsess until I'm confident I have made the right choice. But today after the choice was made I felt like I was kicked in the gut. Like I lost a very good friend. A deep sadness that I haven't been able to shake all day.

Add to that fact that I allowed someone to make me question my skills and abilities as a nurse, when I know better than to let this person get to me.

To come home and have to calm Liana down after her "father" tears her down emotionally again.

I over cooked the steaks.

Laundry's backed up. Sink is full of dishes. There is dust everywhere. And I've got a ton of homework that I have to ace.....

It started this morning when I was ready to walk out the door and I started sobbing & couldn't stop. Then I transitioned to anger over the mean girl to overwhelming panic at the tasks.

I am having one major pity party right now. Why? I mean really its the stupidest thing I've done in a while. There are people out there with real problems yet here I sit feeling sorry for myself.

So this is it. I'm going to use the advice my wise friend Monica gave and allow myself today / tonight but tomorrow its time to put my head on straight again and keep fighting the good fight.

Healing part one

Some interesting things I'm working on right now, well interesting & thought provoking to me:

"We are each responsible for all of our experiences. " Louise L. Hay.

"It's only a thought, and a thought can be changed." Louise L. Hay

Those two statements have had a profound awakening for me since I read them nearly eight months ago. Sometimes they are in the forefront of my mind and sometimes on the back burner. They creep up when I need them most and sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't. I guess that's how change is in our lives. We do it for a while then slip back to old habits then try again.

I also found interesting the following:

"We must release the past & forgive everyone. We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves. Self approval and self-acceptance in the now are the keys to positive changes. When we really love ourselves, everything in our life works."

Those things are easy enough to say or jot down on paper but how does one go about doing those things? If life were as easy as saying OK I'm going to think or do these things this way now then everyone would be in perfect alignment body mind and spirit right?

I believe that what we think about ourselves becomes our truth. What we believe is what those around us have believe and its a silly little circle that continues. Its not necessarily wrong, its just what we know. Before you can begin to change those thoughts and beliefs you have to recognise them to be self destructive and then work to change them.

Reading this book the first page asks a simple question: Which of these statements sounds like you?

"People are out to get me."
"Everyone is always helpful."

Personally my answer was somewhere in the middle. I don't believe either statement about myself however it opened my eyes to a starting place.

I'm actually looking forward to this new growing process and welcome any comments or feedback as I progress through the journey.

I've heard much feedback already. Most of the time I get the glazed over look and that sideways smirk and either people say its hippy thinking or there is no way your mind is responsible for your health. Some people are open and want to hear about my process. The bottom line is though its my journey & I've got to do something. Why not explore every avenue and try my hardest for a great outcome?

Resources: Hay, Louise L. : you can heal your life (2012) Hay House Inc.

New phase on the horizon

Things have been tense lately. I think people are just overwhelmed with everything. This got me thinking about myself. I've been very open about how I've been trying new things and trying to become the best me. That has been me changing careers, going to school, moving, changing jobs, learning new skills like gardening and stuff. Going back to school (again) and changing my health.

I occasionally reflect on choices I've made and try to figure out if I should have done things differently. I feel like since January I have been kind of on auto pilot. I've been going through the motions of things but my head and heart haven't really been in anything. I think we all go through phases like this while we are sorting out our next move. I guess the point is not to stay in this phase for to long or you'll grow stagnant.

So today is really the first day I feel awake and ready to face the next phase. I'm still in somewhat of a holding pattern as I'm not sure what direction I'm heading in next but I'm ready. I feel like I've been working so hard on transforming myself that I've put all my energy into it and there has been nothing left. Yet I've arrived at this place only to realize I've been neglecting a major part of the process, the mind. I've worked on the physical part, and the spirit but not the mind. Or the physical and mind but not spirit... I guess I'm not sure. I feel like I haven't gotten to the root of why I do what I do. Like why I feel the need to have groceries in the house to feel secure or why I automatically eat when I'm worried about things or stressed. I think its time to work on this aspect of things or the rest will forever be a revolving circle that will always have me back to the same place.

So where does one go for this? I have a trainer for my body, a network for my soul but how do you figure out the root? I'm not really into a counselor at the moment, not that I could afford one.

I've started reading a book called "You can heal your life." Perhaps this will help.  One thing is for sure I can not go back and I can not stay here. I must continue to move forward and develop.

It seems like people are so judgemental these days. I hear all the time why so and so is bad because of the car they drive or tattoos they have or because they need pain pills or have to many children. It literally makes me want to scream. I feel like people spend so much time focusing on this crap they don't allow themselves to see deeper. I feel as if we are so worried someone might be getting something they are not actually entitled to that we become biased and treat people poorly as a result.

I recently was talking with someone about the immigrant children and how I wanted to see if perhaps I could sponsor one or  care for one. The response I got was quick and forceful with little thought given. How they needed to be put back on a bus and sent where they came from. I tried to explain that I didn't agree with the situation however there were young children in need of care. I asked how it might be to be in this situation. Imagine life is so terrible that you put your child, the child you care so deeply about that you can't bear the thought of anything bad happening, you put them on a bus with strangers hoping they end up someplace better that someone will look after them and give them a chance. It must be terrible for anyone to consider that. How can we turn a blind eye and let these kids suffer in abandoned walmarts, some have starved to death, some abused. I mean come on.... But the answer was no and discussion closed. I get that there are people here that need our help to. I don't know the answer to all of this but somehow there is room For growth.

So back to the judgemental part. I was hiking with Monica yesterday when I got a text message in response to a message I had sent. She saw it and told me how the response was bullshit. She and I talked about the entire situation at length and by the time we finished I was determined the person was doing me wrong and I should cut my loses and move on. Today I went back through the messages and decided my initial message could have been interpreted wrong which then set off a chain reaction. That is a big problem with texts and emails. Its hard to decipher the emotion and actual intent of the sender. I would much rather shoot off a message and be done with it however this gets me into trouble often as people are usually unable to interpret what I mean. Guess I'll have to work on that as well

The difference a year makes

It amazes me to think last year at this time I was not only considering weight loss surgery but had gone as far as researching and had made an apt with a doctor to talk about the process.

Its been a long road however looking back it went quickly. I started eating better, well now that I know how to eat better I guess initially I started eating less and started exercising a little bit. I lost almost 30 pounds. Then I did some routine blood work for my doctor and got the crap scared out of me. My cholesterol was through the roof, my blood glucose was boarder line diabetic, my blood pressure was up, I barely had enough energy to put one foot in front of the other, my body always ached.

The day I got my blood work back I saw a post from a local trainer offering a total body transformation. I decided then it was what I needed to do. I started with him a few weeks later and have not been the same since. I have always had psoriasis and hid my arms and legs from people so honestly this transformation was not looks. It was about becoming healthy. About being around for my kids. Ten months after starting with this new way of thinking I can honestly say not only have I had a body transformation but an over all transformation. I feel the healthiest and happiest I probably ever have. My blood work and blood pressure are normal, my energy is through the roof and I feel fantastic.

Don't get me wrong I still have a long (long) way to go to be at my healthy weight but today I am 49 (grr i WILL hit 50) pounds closer than I was last July 1st. Had anyone told me last year that it would take me a year to loose that much I probably would have give up before I started, thinking I would never get there but here I am. Its been a slow .5 - 2 pounds a week (average) sometimes gaining sometimes really wanting to say to hell with it I'm giving up but it has all Ben worth it.

A year ago I never would have walked into a gym and worked out. I never would have known I could push myself and see results. Looking back at how scared I was amazes me because today I have confidence I only imagined. People have gotten mad at me for being selfish, excuses to get me off the wagon, laughed at what I said I was doing and somehow none of that mattered.

Things are changing again, school and stuff. I honestly can't wait to see where I'm at next July!

Procrastination

It's been a while since I've put anything on here. Mostly because the stupid app on my phone keeps messing up when I try to publish anything. Honestly its probably best anyway as I was trying to come out of a negative place. But I'm back and fighting the good fight and trying to find what good I can in things.

I've just about completed my first course toward my RN. Its development t through the lifespan and it's been challenging to find the balance between work and the kids and school work. I guess I thought I would just be able to breeze through it. Or it would feel like it did when I went for my LPN. I literally feel as if I come home from work just to sit down and do school work until bed and now that I'm finishing this course I'm wondering why? I mean I want to learn the information however I have absolutely no desire to become a hospital nurse. Honestly I love what I'm doing now I just need to plan for my future better. There is no way I can survive my life with what I'm doing now so the obvious choice was to go for my RN. Ideally I would like to obtain my degree and then continue in the office setting, maybe as a case manager or something. My dream (for way longer than I've been a nurse) has always been to be some sort of health coach or holistic practitioner. I am just afraid there isn't a market in this area for it. Healthcare is a mess right now and everyone needs to be concerned with the bottom line. Whether we like it or not insurance companies have had to make some changes which caused a ripple effect. All healthcare facilities public and private have to employ people and keep the lights on. All employers have to do the same while offering competitive wages. We could argue all day about which caused the crisis we are in today but the end result is the same. People's health is poor. Personally I tend to look at things a little differently, maybe I'm right and maybe I'm not however I figure I don't have to worry about what the insurance is going to pay back or what the employer cost is. I see it as my job to concern myself with my patient. Yes singular patient because my focus is on whomever I am in a room with or in the phone with at that moment. My focus is how do I get this one person from a poor health state transitioned to a healthy state. Sometimes its easy and I just have to listen. Sometimes I have to encourage them and sometimes I have to advocate for them. The nice thing is though that all I have to worry about is them. There are people behind the scenes that take care of the bigger issues like keeping the lights on and things.

So wouldn't it be really cool if I could spend more time working with each individual and taking their overall health issues, like those that have several issues like diabetes, heart disease and maybe auto immune disorder and take the doctors recommendations and turn it unto achievable actions that help the patient move to good health? Just typing it gets me excited. The unfortunate part is most places (for now) aren't hiring this sort of person but hopefully in the future.

I've been thinking lately I need to get away for a bit. Grab a couple of friends and get the hell out of town for a few days. Maybe hike and drink a little and laugh. I think it needs to happen.

The whole pint of this was to procrastinate so I didn't have to work on my final exam for a while. I see I've said nothing and I still only have two questions done.

Are you kidding me

Today I overheard someone say that I was a do-gooder. Haha true story. I don't think they realized I was standing there. What was actually said was that I was "always sucking ass" and that I'm just a "do-gooder.". The other person in the conversation just chuckled.

At first I though, oh no have I become one of those annoying people that are so sweet its sickening. Then I realized it is actually me and that I'm just as sour as I am sweet. I was initially upset over hearing people talk about me and then I took a step back and actually thought about what was said. 

It was said that I'm a suck ass. This was in reference to something I had done. I can't actually give away what it was but I can say that the person running their mouth often times will walk a mile around doing anything that is not planned out far in advance. Also heard that I was a do-gooder .... I am wondering what the opposite of that would be? A do-badder? And what the heck is wrong with someone that does good? I will do things that are within my power to help someone out. I'm also very capable of saying no.

I have lived a long life (even though I'm so youthful :)) I have been in situations where I've made really bad and some really, really bad choices. I have hurt people. (Not physically because we all know I am a whimp). I have things in my past that most people don't know about and there is no one person that knows them all. Well maybe Leslie but I'm not even sure about that. I've been a do-badder. It isn't who I am anymore.
I then thought about the person saying these things. She is highly regarded by her peers, seems nice enough. Then I listen to what comes out of her mouth, day in and day out. She is so high up on her horse passing judgement on every one and every situation I sometimes get embarrassed someone might hear her. She is of questionable morals and often brags about who or what she has done. If that's what the norm is I want no part of it. I just want to be in peace and make up for some of the shit I did when I was younger.

Basically its not just this person or this situation. Everyone seems to be doing it lately. Complaining and judging everyone else. I heard a group of teachers talking about a family recently and I was sick to my stomach. This happens to be a family I know in a professional setting. I know they live in poverty and oftentimes look as if they will need a brillo bad to get the dirt off however the kids are some of the best behaved children I've seen. Always respectful and well mannered. In contrast to some middle class people who's children run around like crazy and backtalk. Its discusting that as far advanced as we are we still treat people ill because of their social standing.

Basically I'm just venting because I got my feelings hurt and there is no one at home to whine to about it. I try for the most part to be a laid back person. I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I don't cheat on my boyfriend or my taxes. I don't kick small puppies. I love my Mom and treat her respectfully. I try to be kind to people and I am honest. These are not things I have always been or done however they are now. I give an honest days work and expect to be treated fairly. Pretty simple.

The one thing I can say pushes that to the limit is if you mistreat my children. I am docile and can rationally see most sides of situations but when you are unfair or unjust to one of mine I become awakened instantly and posses almost unnatural strength. I will fight to the death for them. Not if they are in the wrong and I am the first one to admit sometimes my kids make dumb choices. I'm not one of these candy-assed people afraid of hurting their feelings and making excuses for their bad behavior. I am the parent that will follow up at home for crap they pulled while not at home.

That being said..... If you wrongly accuse my child and go out of your way to make them humiliated or are basically a dick I will revert to my old behaviors very quickly.

I have worked very hard to continually grow and develop as a person and to teach my children that you treat people kindly. You look beyond the rumor mill to find out how people really are. Be honest even if it means you will face consequences. That you don't get the latest iPhone just because you want it and if you want something bad enough you work for it.

For the longest time I have been preaching about the good in people. How we all can get caught up in a situation however when push comes to shove people are good and will stand up and do the right thing. I am actually for the first time in my life wondering if that is true. Have I been lying to myself and my children all this time? People actually are sucky. I'm not just talking about the bimbo that was running her mouth about me. I'm talking about the human race in general. Does everyone go out of their way to make people feel like crap these days or what? Is it the new normal not to give a shit about people? To be more worried about how you are going to make out in a situation rather than just do something, expecting nothing in return because that's the right thing? Or is it just this depressed, deprived area? I'm a dork in the fact that once I trust I put that person or group into my circle. Once there I do my best to support and uphold the honor whether its my work or my gym or my children's friends.

Anyone that knows me knows I've often said I finally felt like I was "home" when I moved to Canisteo. Its not because the people here are overly friendly but nightly when I drive around the bend and the view opens up and the hills and trees and so breathtaking. I just feel at ease here. Or I have. For the first time in my life I am thinking of packing up and giving NY the finger.

I've lost faith in the human race and that is a sad feeling.

Not everything I touch turns to gold

A few weeks ago I started some seeds inside to give them a chance to get hardy enough to survive outside when the time is right. I planted a couple different kinds of tomatoes, peppers and Brussels sprouts. I also started a table top lettuce garden.

At first everything was doing great. All of the little seeds sprouted and filled my little trays with green that promised to provide hours of entertaining while I weeded and harvested. I decided I had planted to many seeds in each little whatever you call those things and decided to thin them as the packages suggest. Carefully I plucked some that looked less hardy and checked on them daily, providing water when they needed and positioning them in the window to get the best sun.

Slowly one by they started dying off. First the tomatoes withered and died then the sprouts. Next my beloved lettuce wilted and died. The only thing remaining are the peppers.

Looking back I think I may have planted to many seeds in each pod, waited to long to thin them and perhaps my water is not good enough for the plants. I've never been really great at keeping house plants alive and if any of them look better than half alive now its because they are either new or Jeff remembered to water them.

You would think with the deck stacked like it is, not having a green thumb, my proven failed attempts at tomatoes and so on, I would quit now and buy my veggies already grown, however I am more determined that ever to make this work. Kind of like Susan Lucci chasing her award I am going to dump the dead little sprouts and try again.

For the record I don't even like tomatoes or peppers but now its personal!

All or nothing?

Someone told me recently that I don't do things half-assed. That once I decide to do something I put 100% into whatever it is.

I guess that's true. I've said before that sometimes I won't do things because I don't think I will do it perfectly and I've been working on that. So I've been thinking about this half-assed thing. Maybe that's why I quit things to. Maybe if I'm putting in everything I have and its not turning out to my expectations I quit it? I hope that's not true about myself but I'm not sure. I mean I have taken on some pretty major things the last 6 months or so and some are not going exactly as I've planned and it hasn't crossed my mind at all to quit it. I've tossed around ideas of how to tweak things to make things go the way I ultimately see them going however not thought of quitting.

Today however I kind of feel like this idea just hit me upside the head. I have had an idea how something should be going and put everything I have into it. Nurturing it and investing my energy and time into it with a bigger goal in mind. Over the last few months things have started to change there. Nothing obvious or overnight but slowly. Today was like the final big change that made me realize everything was different and maybe I've wasted a lot of time and energy. My initial thought process was that it was time to move onto something else (see how I do that). That I wasn't good enough for this situation. That perhaps it was time to give it a go where my efforts would be met equally and we could work toward a common goal.

That's nuts! So what if my idea of how it should go are not the reality. I might not be the person that is needed. I pride myself on how loyal I am to people and I don't always give that loyalty easily but when I do I invest all into it and often times set unrealistic expectations. I don't have to be a big deal at everything I do. I guess sometimes its OK to just be and just do.

Now as I reread that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense except to me. I get what I'm saying.

The truth is right now I'm having the biggest petty party for myself and its stupid. The fact that I looked and was seconds away from booking a flight to Florida for a long weekend so I could run away and not deal with it for a few days is stupid. The whole situation is stupid.

So enough of feeling less than good enough because in reality I might not be for some but I am being the best I can be. Doing the best I can do. Real people that are supposed to be in my life will embrace that and together we will kick ass!

Spring renewal

Ah the first day of spring. I've noticed a ton of posts about baseball and warmer weather and none of that sparks excitement in me like the idea of breaking ground and planting. I get a certain amount of satisfaction out of taking a little bit of land and dropping some seeds into it and watching it produce something that is whole and not full of chemicals I can feed my family.  As you know I'm pretty clueless when it comes to gardening and all that goes with it but its fun learning.

My fist seeds are begging to sprout and building a good foundation to be planted outside.

I've got some flowers that are poking through the cold ground now and that seems to go along with how I feel this time of year. I love all of the seasons here in Western NY and feel blessed to live in such a beautiful area but something happens to me at spring time. Its like I feel awakened and inspired to shed the winter cobwebs. Clearly I am not the only or first one to feel this way however I feel like people get so stuck in the negativity of winter fatigue that they forget about the empowering benefit of this time of year. Its time to embrace the last days of winter just like we do the last days of summer. If your thing is to cook up a big pot of chili on winter days spend a day doing that or bake something in the oven because it won't be long and it will be to hot to light the oven. If you like frolicking in the snow with your kids or dogs do it. If all you see are muddy yards and dirty snow look at it through squinted eyes.  Remember how much fun playing in the mud is? Do it!

I've said this is going to be my best year yet and that this is the year of my mission not intermission. That means for me to participate in life not wait for the right moment. That's exactly what I'm doing. It starts with the seeds planted inside and planning a weekend hike. Starts by having groceries in the house so I can stay on program. Even if I've had a period of time that I faltered and not been as energized is not a problem because there is still time. Its only the first day of spring!

What inspires you? Are you feeling energized and empowered? Why or why not?

Being accountable

So today is day two of being back on program or whatever you want to call it. Yesterday I was 100% on followed by one of the most challenging workouts I've had in a long time. Today I've been great however I am struggling with my water.

I guess I'm not a good communicator. My last post was meant to be like a recommitment to my health and I do best when I am public about it. I wasn't trying to whine or look for any compliments or blah blah blah. Just was trying to own up to the fact that I spiralled into a place I didn't want to be and that I recognised that and was ready to move on. When I said I needed a goal I meant a fitness goal, something to work towards to help motivate me.

I love and am so thankful for the love and support everyone gave me. I did decide I would start hiking local trails and build up endurance and climb whiteface mountain. I also applied and was accepted to Excelsior College for my RN.

Even though people have expressed how the hiking and climbing thing is a bad idea I thought it was awesome. The problem with both goals is that I just found out I'm going to need to use the money I have saved up for the enrollment fee for school and the trip to the Adirondacks to pay a couple of unforseen bills. Oh well I'll just push them back a little more. (Goals not bills)

Bottom line is I need to work on my communication skills, and my ass and thighs hurt so bad right now I can barely walk up the stairs. Its a good feeling though. 

Tonight at Wegmans I found it easy to fly through due to the fact there was a screaming toddler that could be heard throughout the store making the hair on my neck stand up. Blood curdling screams. Nothing extra made it into my cart :)

Happy Tuesday!!! 

The road to recovery

For the record I never want any surgery of any kind! Nothing. I regret ever having sinus surgery. I don't really think it did any good and I have felt like crap ever since. Don't get me wrong I have a good day here and there but for the most part I am shot all of the time.  I'm not going to have it! Basically I'm done messing around.

So as usual I tend to always over think everything yet seem to always miss the actual point. What I mean is I've been thinking I feel like crap because of the surgery and only because of that. Now that I've had a chance to reflect I think it might be more than that.

Everyone knows I've been doing like a life overhaul sort of thing. What that means is eating clean and exercising. Making better life choices. When I had my surgery I had to back off on my workouts and slowly things were set into motion that have me where I am today. The first thing was ginger ale. It was the only thing I could drink. I couldn't really eat for about a week so I was living on ginger ale and occasional slice of protein bread just so I could take ibuprofen. From there I went back to eating like I was supposed to only dropping off my mid morning and afternoon snacks. Then ordering salads at lunch because I didn't prepare mine or whatever. Before you know it here I am two months after surgery and I haven't measured a food item in a while, making excuses to stray from the food plan and workout plan back to feeling like crap. I haven't officially weighed in for some time because I've been afraid to yet have kept a closer eye on it at home than ever (+2.5#).

Why would I allow this to happen when I've come so far?

I don't think I realized I was allowing it to happen. I physically felt like shit and did what I could. Then I got new clothes and people started commenting on my new look. Like everyone. I have always hated to have any sort of attention and it was easier to ignore what I was going through than to deal with it and move on.

Basically I was over thinking something's and under thinking others.

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to work with someone that knows how to get me to where I want to be and cares enough to invest time and effort into my health and I've waisted the last couple of months, or have I? I mean ultimately I want to get to a healthy place both physically and mentally. In order to get to that place I'm going to have ups and downs. Going to have trials along the way that hopefully I am able to overcome and become stronger.

I guess I have two choices. I can either feel guilt and continue to undo all of the progress I have made or I can learn from this opportunity and come back kicking ass.

I choose to kick ass. To hell with this person that hides behind being overweight and so unsure of herself that I don't even make a freaken decision. I started this transformation because I was sick of being weak and unhealthy and I refuse to give up on that now.

So I basically don't care if I annoy everyone with my constant talking about this or my refusal to do much socially or being to busy working out or whatever the long list of complaints I have heard but this IS a matter of my life and I am going to make it the best I can. Interestingly enough I had been dealing with some sort of anxiety that required me to go on medication. Once I started eating right and working out I was able to go off of that medication and only had a problem the week before mother nature visited. I had all of my symptoms gone through my life style changes until this month. It came back full force. Its so scary to me to think the food we eat and inactivity can cause such a problem. It is debilitating and I'm not going back there!

Hopefully I haven't made the people that have worked so hard to help me change (Brian, Shelly, Jeff, the kids and some coworkers, friends and some family) discouraged because I need them in my corner helping me out. Clearly I am unable at this time to do it on my own.

I commit to sticking 100% to the food and exercise program and hopefully next week I can post that commitment got the 2.5 pounds off and then we can go from there.

I'm back and I'm badass!

Surprise thats healthy

I had a moment of shock this Saturday when Liana and her friend came downstairs in the morning and asked me to drive them to the store to get Oreos. When I said no she kind of got mad. I understand there are some days you just need an Oreo or something however I know there are better ways to handle that and in that moment I realized I have been basically doing my transformation alone when I should have been including the family more.

So my mission for Saturday (remember 2014 is my mission not intermission), was to cook clean all day and have the family enjoy it.

First up I made some homemade chicken soup. They love that when I make it. Only this time I made my own stock rather than use store bought with all of the sodium and additives. Jeff said the only thing it was missing were dumplings so he whipped up a batch. At this point I hadn't planned on them wanting those so I made a mental note that next time I would try finding a clean recipe for biscuits or something.

After that I thought why not try a snack the kids would like. Kevin is always hiking or doing something physical. Liana always has a sweet tooth.

I decided to make some protein bites. They consisted of natural peanut butter, vanilla protein powder, oats, chia seeds,  dash of salt. I mixed it all up and waited for the kids to get home to sample my secretly healthy snack.

Liana and her friend didn't like them at all. Kevin isn't sure how to feel about them yet and Tonia liked them a little. I loved them of course.

I tried using the same ingredients above and smooshing a banana and some cinnamon chips. None of the kids will try them.

I'm not going to give up though. I will slowly convert them over to clean eating at my house. They already do at their dads.

Meanwhile I think I'll ask Brian about these protein bites as part of my weekly meal plan. They ate yummy and the only thing not on my plan is the chia seeds.

Honest rant

I've never been a big fan of February. It seems like that is when I start to feel antsy and ready for spring to burst me out of the winter funk I feel like I get into. Apparently this year is going to be no exception to that. I have been able to stay busy this winter, which I was hoping would help keep me positive and in better February spirits. Today I realized that's not going to happen.

Perhaps its an accumulation of things that have gone on or maybe its just a bad day.

I was so looking forward to some things in my near and distant future and maybe its because I have realized those things are not going to happen but I am in a funk. I was so excited about the idea of going to Uganda. The idea of going and providing care and just being part of something like that has always been something I have wanted to do. Honestly I have always kind of thought I would love to be in the Peace Corps or something like that.  Anyway I was really looking forward to this trip. After talking with the organizer of the trip and getting a little more details as well as doing some honest soul searching I made the decision not to go. Its expensive (although less expensive than taking a touristic trip). I just think its irresponsible of me to plan such a trip at this stage of my life. Jeff is just getting back to work and at a much (much) different rate than he is used to, I want to try to send Liana to some sort of camp this summer. I'm not sure what or where yet but she needs something to do other than sit on the couch and watch TV. Kevin is in the middle of his junior year which means I need to start saving some money for next year. Being a senior is expensive. That's not counting which adult child and/or relative is going to need things.  Bottom line is not this time.

Also I made the decision to continue my education. After I did that I got to thinking and I actually have no desire to be a hospital nurse. The idea does not appeal to me at all. I love office nursing. I love the follow through you have. I love how you almost become part of the families and they turn to you for all events in their lives, good and bad.

Usually in February I start tanning because it helps my psoriasis. This year it is worse than it has ever been and I just can't afford to go right now. I can soon and honestly it doesn't really bother me except since my surgery. Its so bad on my face and daily at least someone has something to say about it. I've been feeling myself withdrawal socially and keep my hair in my face and all of the usual things I do to not be noticed.

Last Sunday I started feeling like crap. I thought it was because I felt so good Saturday and maybe overdid it a little. It really hasn't let up yet. Not sick crap just run down and my nose is so very sore. Not to mention I can't breathe.  I've been managing but each night I fall in bed before 9:00 and just don't have the spunk I'm used to. Last night at workout I was so damn winded and my muscles felt as if it was the first time I had ever used them.

There is a point to all of this whining. I have worked very hard to change things in my life. I have the new me in my minds eye and if I focus on these things I will continue down the path of feeling bad for myself until i am the over weight depressed complainer that is just sitting on the couch waiting for the impeding health issue that ruins my life.  I have to hold myself accountable. To do that I have to own up to what's been going on and move on. I have three beautiful children who are my whole life. A step(ish) daughter who is creative and a boyfriend that seems like was made just for me. Two of the greatest sisters and the best Mom in the world who has given us the best Stepdad. My whole family is unique and wonderful. Add to that the Sister Friends I have and I am so blessed.

I refuse to go down my usual path of self destruction. So I may need to take a little longer to catch my breath after this surgery, I still am pushing forward and I am going to get overall healthy. I am still on task of making the best Me this year.

February has many special events that I am looking forward to and I WILL enjoy the celebrations. Several family member birthdays. The 14th is my anniversary for not smoking. The 25th is my anniversary with my Love Jeff and my work friends are planning another girls get together. I refuse to be anything but present and cheery for everyday! I have been reading a great book by Louise L. Hay called "You can heal your life" and I am going to use those affirmations to help drag me out of my funk.

I apologize to everyone for being grumpy lately. I love the people in my life and never want to subject you to that. Thanks for sticking with me as I work through these things.

Blue Ribbon winner???

My good friend Elizabeth A.K.A. Darling (said in the Queens proper English) always says everything's better after a cup of tea. I have found recently how true that is. Oftentimes in the afternoon I feel as if I should just punch people in the throat and get on with it. As you know I think the world would be a much better place if 1. More people watched the Golden Girls, although lately I am in love with Modern Family. 2. If you could just give people a quick jab in the throat to cure what ails them. It really isn't prudent to go around punching people in the throat and would cause way bigger problems. Historically I would grab a handful of chocolates or something and be done with it. Now however that is counterproductive to my goals.  So I have take Darlings advice and begun sipping an afternoon tea. She is right and it does hit your reset button.

I got to thinking how wonderful Darling has been. She always cheers our office up and Mondays and Tuesdays are so much fun with her. Not to mention she is always a sounding board and just a level headed friend. I thought it would be nice to do a little gesture to show her how much I appreciate her.  The clear choice would be some glasses as she is always loosing hers however I wanted something different.

I decided I would try my hand at making some sort of tea biscuit or cookie for her.  I found a quick and easy recipe calling for only 3 ingredients and decided I would whip them up last night.

The directions said to mix well and that the mixture will be flaky. At that time you are supposed to kneed the mix until no longer flaky. I pounded and turned and that crap never stopped being flaky. So I tweaked it and added a little water and started the process of beating it again. Finally I had a ball that stayed together long enough for me to roll it out, cut and bake.

They look pitiful. I rolled one pan to thin so it burnt. These are not blue ribbon winners.

I think I will just go to Wegmans and buy Darling some tea cookies and tell her how much I appreciate her.

This afternoon I am going to try homemade dog biscuits though. Hopefully with better success.

Unrealistic expectations

This time last week I had high hopes of how I would spend my post surgery time. I thought the first day would be on the couch, flipping through the channels relaxing. I thought day two I would wake up refreshed and spend the day cleaning house and I thought today I would be back to work. I envisioned spending time planning out my garden.

Boy was I wrong.

I did spend Monday on the couch. No channel flipping as I was passed out waking long enough for Jeff to change my bandage and get me a drink. He was so good to me. He didn't leave my side at all. I also spent Tuesday on the couch. Also sleeping. Getting up to take the dogs out and that's it. I was supposed to go back to work today. I woke up at 5:45 am and could hardly move. No way was I going to make it in today either.

I have been relatively pain free until tonight. I've been very stuffed up and totally exhausted. I've also been swollen however not more than I expected. Tonight however I can breath somewhat but I have a ton of pain. In fact I have taken my first ever pain pill.

I am planning to return to work tomorrow. I was planning to return to my workouts tomorrow as well but that might take another day or so yet.

I guess I'll have to leave the garden planning until this weekend. I can hardly wait to start my seeds and get things going.

I did get one thing accomplished today. I submitted my application to Excelsior college.... now I have to decide if I want to continue my nursing or explore some other ideas I've had, like a health coach or something a little more holistic. Stay tuned for that.

Let's hope this surgery helps because right now I am regretting it very much.

Mission not intermission

I am struggling to keep in my positive frame of mind. I feel like I will have a good couple of days followed by a couple if difficult ones. Today I had a mixture of all of it.

I went to the ENT because I've had a sinus infection for over a month. He told me I need surgery. I called Jeff to ask him to take the morning off because I'll need someone to drive me. His response kind of pissed me off. It was something kind of snotty that resembled we'll see. After that headed to lianas game. It was an awesome game but her coach told her she couldn't use her music for her double this weekend. This kid has worked so hard..... home we went and scoured the internet to find replacement music that I could buy for her. She got snippy with me and nothing was making her happy.

So here is the bottom line. This is the year of my mission not my intermission. So I have been asking myself if situations are fitting into my mission. I want Liana to do well at her double. I am willing do pay a (very) small amount for replacement music. The rest is up to her. I've asked Jeff to take me to my surgery if he chooses not to support me during that its on him not me. There have been many situations recently he has chosen to make snotty remarks about and not participate in.

I actually am focused on the trip to Uganda. If I can do surgery and still go then maybe I'll do it however if it will in any way stop me from going I'm not going to.

I am working on the best me! In order for that to work I need to ignore the negative and not focus on it. I need to feed the positive energies and situations. I have so many wonderful things in my life right now and I need to look at those rather than the few ill responses I have gotten.

I am so blessed to have a job I love and am still excited to go to. A job that is full of potential. Friends and family like no other. The list goes on and on. ..... so onto making my mission list. This WILL be a great year!