It all matters

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my biggest pet peeves is to come home from work and have the TV turned onto the news and loudly hearing the twisted troubles of the world. My entire day is spent hearing peoples hard times & untangling messy situations for them. I love what I do & it brings me more pride than I can explain to be a part of peoples lives in such a way. For my own sanity however I must sometimes tune out current events. I need to come home & be busy with dinner prep or clean up. I need the biggest problem to be if Kevin studied for his test or Liana turned something in. I need to banter with my family and make memories that will carry me through the days when they are gone living their own lives. At least for a little while.

I've been watching the news here & there, reading articles & noticing posts on face book. Truthfully there is little question as to where I and my family stand on most subjects. If you aren't sure just check out the stickers Kevin has plastered all over my car. Truthfully my take is this: do what's right & it will all work out.

My explanation may cost me some friends & that's fine. To me it is simple. If you break the law you should have consequences. If you break the law or are suspected of breaking the law & run from police there is a very good chance you will be shot. Don't break the law & don't run & you won't be shot. I can not see where a person would need to break the law. Even if you are homeless and hungry there are alternative solutions to theft. Perhaps if a person is backed against the wall & has children to care for but even then there are options. Don't break the law. Simple. If you do break the law be a stand up kind of person & own it. You know you did it, own it & face the consequences. Just because someone has made bad choices once does not mean they will again. People deserve another chance, in most cases.

Don't be an asshole. For real. When you are an asshole apologise. I mean come on, at times we are all assholes. When you are one tell someone you are sorry. If people tell you that you are an asshole & you can't understand what is wrong with everyone, think about what you might be doing. Perhaps you are being a jerk. How hard can it really be? We all make mistakes. On that note a persons mistakes are not the fault of their children or future generations. By that I mean that I am sorry for things that happened years ago like the Native Americans having their land taken. I am sorry that people owned slaves. I'm sorry for the problems the Jews went through. I  sorry for a million things all of our ancestors did, none of that however is my fault. I am not to blame for any of it. I am not responsible for any of it. The truth is if we look into everyone's past there is a good chance we all have situations where there has been discrimination or miss treatment. I've been researching my ancestors & I haven't gotten all the way back to find out where everyone has come from but I so know I have some that were survivors of terrible situations. I don't feel entitled to a single thing based on their trials. There is a good chance someone, regardless of color or sex or any of the other labels we put on people will have had to deal with something that is not right. To me it feels like as far as race has come we, as a nation, have taken a giant step backwards in recent years. I can honestly tell you that I grew up thinking & believing every person is equal. It doesn't matter what color they are or who their parents are, everyone started with the same slate & how it all played out depended on the choices you (not your ancestors or those around you) made. Sometimes along the way shitty things happened & you just had to reevaluate and retry.

Growing up my family was one of the poorest in town. Often times we were the brunt of peoples jokes. I can't tell you the times I overheard teachers talking about our family. It was difficult to make and keep friends. Guess what.... I turned out pretty good. I have worked hard my whole life. It is not the fault of my parents or their parents. In fact the lessons I learned from my Mom & Dad have helped to build my life now. Good & bad. People need to stop having excuses & do the right thing.

I have seen many posts about republicans & democrats. How the problems of the world are a result of one or the other. Bullshit! When I see a post like that its all I can do not to point out how discriminating that is. One entire group is not responsible for the downfall of anything. Its a group effort. If you are 100% behind one group or another there is a good chance you are being closed minded. That is like saying all cheerleaders are dumb or all woman are bad drivers & is not only untrue but ignorant. One group be it Republican or a religion is not full of all good or all bad. Every group is equally mixed.

The bottom line is we all just need to do the right thing. When we don't do the right thing we need to correct that. Make good choices & for the love of God stop being assholes.

Fear is a liar

Today is the day! Today I stop standing by watching life pass by & I start rejoining the living. Almost a year ago...wait I guess its been two, I worked very hard at changing the way I looked, felt, thought & ate. I was the happiest I remember being in a very long time. Then everything got turned upside down.

For the last little bit I've just been sitting by watching the trains pass me by. Every once in a while I attempt to hop back on, however I've been unable to.

Today that changes. I am embarrassed by how much weight I have gained back but that is not going to define me. I am standing in the middle of the tracks and the only way that train is getting past is with me on it. For me it's more than just a few pounds I need to shed. Its life and death & I choose life!  I'm not looking to be anything other than healthy and a little bit badass.

I have signed up for a 16 week challenge to make changes. Kind of like a jump start back on the train I fell off. If you see me trying to slip or jump, feel free to throw rocks at me or whatever it takes.

I'm trying very hard to find the new way of life that I've got now that everything has changed. Today, while I feel nervous about stepping on the scale & worried I won't be able to keep up and make it through the workouts, I feel excited & alive & full of energy. I can't wait to go grocery shopping and prep foods again and be in control.

Today is a good day!

Mamma warned me there'd be days like this.....

I've been very nostalgic today. I had the day off of work and decided to spend it sorting and reorganizing my closet. I came across lots of old art projects from the kids and different things that brought back memories.

Midway through my day I had to go to a doctors apt. I really didn't tell anyone in my family about it because I didn't want to worry them & I already knew the results if my stress test. I am glad I went. My mind is at ease now & I have a clear understanding if my cardiac status & how to move forward. For the first time in months I feel as if my fate might actually be different than both of my parents.

After my apt I sent Kevin & Liana the same messages I do every day about that time, asking where they are & what they are doing. Liana was quick to respond but Kevin didn't for about half an hour. When he finally did he said he was sorry he was with the recruiter for the past 2 1/2 hours. I knew he was going but didn't expect to hear that he is scheduled for MEPS the first week in August. OK I  mean I know its going to eventually happen and he will be leaving me for the United States Marines however its just happening so fast. My Mom (& every other adult I ever knew) said this would happen. They warned me that when I was complaining about the terrible two's I  would blink & they would be gone. That one day I would realize that was the most magical time.

Then Liana sent me a message which I can't even remember what it was now, but it made me remember when she was younger & was afraid to go upstairs by herself. How everything in her life I was a part of. Now I'm lucky if I get 5 minutes a day with her & if those 5 minutes she isn't in her phone or something. I'm loosing all of these kids to the real world & I don't want to just yet. When Kevin told me about his August date I felt almost a panic. All I can think of is the summer I sent him on a 10 day camping trip to the Adirondack Mnts. While he had great adventures, he clung to me so tight when I picked him up. For the next week he was like my little side kick, actually wanting to spend time with me. I Invision him that little boy who will go and miss his mom but is stuck. I envision all of the stuff they will put him through and I can't help him.

He will be fine.....its me that might not make it through.

Then one by one all three of my children have needed something from me today I have been unable to give. I am going to bed wondering if they even know I exist outside of being a checkbook, deliverer of forgotten things, doormat when they are pissy..... It helps sooth the hurting heart when I'm angry though so I'm going with that and the realization that one day I'll probably look back on these days and wish for them back.

To Everything..... There is a Season

Last week I got a letter in the mail addressed to the parents of Kevin. I joked with him that every time I get one of these it causes anxiety & fear that it will tell me he has skipped to many days to graduate. As I opened it, with butterflies because I really was worried. Much to my delight & surprise the very first word was Congratulations!!! Kevin got an award that would be handed out during a formal ceremony and blah blah blah.....

For real! Kevin is going to graduate! For the first time this year I allowed myself to relax & believe it to be true. Every day since the letter arrived I've been hassling him about what he was going to wear & how he had to go. I've been telling everyone that would even pretend to listen about how my Son, the graduate, got an award. Poor Kevin. Its been a long week.

Tonight I rushed home from work, changed my clothes. Changed them again. Then bolted out the door just in time to sit in the auditorium packed with seniors who looked uncomfortable with their fancy clothes on, parents who looked at their offspring with that look of pride. We watched the touching power point with all of the baby pictures and senior pictures set to music and waited through the introductions. Finally they began announcing the awards. Mid way through they presented the awards to those from the graduating class planning to enter the military. Kevin was given an award for entering the Marines.

He looked so good walking across the stage in his dress clothes, shaking hands with whoever it was. I just realized I have no idea who presented his award. Anyway. After that he rejoined Jeff and I and we waited and waited for the ceremony to finish.

When it was time to leave my handsome young man realized he locked his keys in his truck. I left he and Jeff to figure it out, came home & as I was changing my clothes it hit me! Kevin is graduating & joining the Marines. Its not something that is happening in the future. It is happening now. My little kid who can win anyone over with his crooked little smile & smooth talking. The little boy who has always preferred to be outside than in. The kid who has given me heart palpitations all year because his "free spirit" has kept him out of class. He has told me since he was 8 years old what his plans were, I just always thought I had time to worry about it later.

Tonight I realized its later.

I am so very very proud of the young man he has become. He has so many qualities I value in people, like honesty, even when its not what I want to hear or its difficult. Willing to help anyone out without asking or expecting anything in return. Hard working.....I could go on and on. The point is this kid has made me so proud & so sad all in one moment. Love you KVT

77 Days.......

That's how long it has been since my world came crashing down around me. 77 days. That is 11 weeks, 1848 hours, 110,880 minutes. That really is not that long. Not when you were happily going about your business, doing normal daily activities like work, cooking dinner, planning the future.  When your body goes through a shock like that it does funny things, things I had only heard people speak about, but never really understood until recently. For me I had the initial shock, then my body and mind went into what I consider  self preservation mode. That is where I block everything out and go through the motions. In my mind I knew what had happened, however I was refusing to think about it, really talk about it, acknowledge it in any way. I secretly had my own fears of dealing with it. I didn't want to allow myself to lose control emotionally because I'm not sure I would ever get it back. I had fear that my fate would end up being the same. Fear of who I would be able to go to now when I need something, or even if I don't.

 I finally broke down and went to my doctor, where I had a long conversation about all of my fears. I laid it all on the table, went through every inch of every medical problem my entire family has, probably for the first time in my life. As a result I feel like I am finally starting to rejoin the land of the living. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sitting in a dark corner waiting for the right time to feel better. I've been trying, very hard, to get back to normal. I go to work, I sometimes go to the gym, I've planned Kevin's graduation, I've gotten the garden planted and flowers worked on. I'm going through the motions. What I'm not doing is talking to my family or friends much. I'm afraid of my family and after overhearing my "friend" talk crap about me, I'm hesitant to really let anyone close. I do talk with my circle, Jeff, Leslie, the kids and a few family members and friends. My saving grace has been two people that have been going through the same thing and understanding whats going on with me. I just haven't really been to the point of ok until recently.

Then today happened. I woke in a great mood, feeling very positive. I was looking forward to working, then getting home and hopefully quickly doing my homework because tomorrow is Kevin's BOCES graduation and this weekend Liana has her marching band competition. The day was a typical day, like any other. I was focused on my tasks at hand and plugging through each patient. We had a very informative presentation at lunch time and if you know me, you know I love learning new things. I was feeling better than I have in so long. Towards the end of the day one of the girls from the front came to tell me I had a phone call. When I answered it a family member of one of my beloved patients notified me that my patient had passed away last night. I am so sad about this. I am close with a lot of my patients. When one of them goes through a difficult time I mourn with them. when they go through a good time I celebrate with them. When I first started working with Kim I was green. She was my first real full time nursing job. I was shy, introverted, unsure of every move I made. There are less than a handful of patients that saw right through that awkwardness and grabbed a hold of my heart strings and wormed their way in. This patient was one of them. It is a sad day for me today. The kind of sad day that makes me question why I even got into nursing. I know the real answer to that, I'm just spitting words out trying to make sense of it all. I might not actually be the right person for this job anymore. I mean I love what I do, but I don't really think I'm the type of person that can not get close to some people. The type of person that can be jaded and not see people other than a valuable life, even those I may not care a great deal for I believe are valuable and I'm not the type that will ever be able to turn that part of me off. I'll always be upset when I lose one of "mine". Truthfully I don't want to become that person either. I am sensitive and I want to stay that way. I want to continue to see good and value in people. I don't want to change that. 

Needless to say, I've been doing a ton of thinking the last week or so. I've come to a couple of conclusions.....

I am going to deactivate my Facebook. I can not do it until after July 4th, however I am going to. As I have been struggling with the new way of life (and it has been a struggle), I've realized people have to much access to me. I post something and I mean it in a positive manner, however someone takes it as negative. While it is their problem they misunderstood me, it has effected my life. Someone I considered a very good friend said today that I'm negative and I should be over it by now and I was using my moms death as an excuse. Here I thought I was finally working through things and was able to finally say, and believe and understand that my mom is gone, that I am actually able to finally see and feel again and for the first time for longer than a minute I could think something positive, however they took what I had said as negative. I can not and will not do that. If I'm honest people have often had a difficult time understanding me. Part of that is because I just don't want to trust people and I don't let them know the real me, and part of that is that people are assholes.Either way, if you are reading this I'm going to be gone from the big FB soon. If we are friends in real life we will manage to stay in touch. I intend to start a company page as soon as I finish my certification for Health Coaching and perhaps one day we will work together in that way.

I am both mortified and elated that Kevin is graduating. I didn't want it to come because I have to face it without my Mom. She was looking so forward to his graduating this year. She got new shoes, we talked about it so often and planned things out. I don't want to do it without her. I want to call her and ask her how to do thing like make fresh lemon aid like she did and how to make frog-eyed salad until she agreed to bring it, how many of this I need and other random things.   I want to be pissed off because she wont let me borrow her tent thingy for the day because my siblings will be mad if she lets me and not them. I want her to come over and walk around the house with me to check out my garden, and advise me on my flower beds. I want her to see the work I've done. I want one of her hugs that she saved for when you really needed it. Not the quick little hello or good-by hugs, but the wrap you in and let you know it doesn't matter what is happening, she is there to help you through it hugs. 

It is at this moment I realize it has only been 77 days. How can someone expect me to be over this already when I have only really been facing it for a week and a half? How can they not see the raw pain, or feel the shattering I have going on inside of me? Why can't they hear my insides screaming for it all to stop and for stupidness to STFU so I can breathe. Why can't I breathe?.......

77 days. 

I am encouraged today, even through my sadness. Today is the first real cry I have had since my mom died. I'm not talking about the time directly after. I'm talking since realization has hit. I'm excited because I know from here you progress onto the part where you celebrate their life. I'm excited because it seems I am moving forward adn even if I am not going through the motions per someone else's decided timeline, I am moving. I'm feeling and I'm going to be alright.

77 days from today will be the end of August. The time when Kevin plans to go to the Marines. 77 days is not nearly long enough. 

Day #1 (again)

I've set myself up for success! Today is the day I take this whole life thing seriously again and rejoin the land of the living. It was just last week that I realized how far backwards I've gone. There is no guilt or anything because it was the way I could cope. I've spent the days since then making a conscious effort to be in the moment, as well as prepare for my journey out of my hole.

I planned my schedule for the entire week, right down to the meals I will eat. This morning I got up a little late and the first thought I had was that I didn't have time to pack my lunch, guess what, it only took me 3 minutes to pack it. I have my snacks packed as well. My workout clothes are in my bag. I've got this.

I've got short term, medium and long term goals. My immediate goal is to stick to the menu I have planned 100%. I have no reward planned out for that, however I was thinking for every slip I made I would have to do 10 sprints. Oh how I love the sprints. My medium goal is to get rid of 5 pounds. By going public like this I believe it will help me be accountable. By all means if you see me shoving something on the illegal list (haha I just made that up), tell me to drop it. Or if I'm verbalizing how I'm not working out one of the days I have planned fell free to remind me how much being over weight feels terrible.

Sorry to bore anyone with this, but this is a matter if life and death for me & I've got to get back on track.

Have a wonderful day!

Getting back in step

I've pretty much been in a fog. I have days that I have felt I'm coming out of it, but for the most part I have felt as if I'm just going through the motions. Its not deliberate, it just is.  I have no recollection of most of the month of April and so far May. I've no idea most of the things I've said or done. I imagine its normal, but it scares the hell out of me & I don't know how to rejoin the land of the living.

For the most part I've been in living in the fog of emotionlessly existence, however yesterday I overheard a conversation about me, well most of it. I was floored. I guess I'm still able to feel because my feelings were hurt. I let it bother me for the entire night and most of this morning. Then I wondered why I'm taking on someone else's problem when I can barely deal with my own at the moment. You see I considered one of the parties involved to be a good friend, someone I erroneously confided in. I don't often let people in my circle so when I do it hurts to find out their true colors.

I spent the evening going over the last few months trying to remember what or when I did something to cause these feelings I heard. The only conclusion I have today is I have no idea. Honestly I can't spend another moment worrying about it. I have said I was sorry for whatever I've done, if this person would rather talk about me behind my back, during one of the most difficult times in my life, rather than talk to me about whatever it is I've done, then that is going to have to be their problem.

I have gotten off track these last few months. I've gained a lot of weight, 13 pounds to be exact. I've forgotten my goals, I've only been going through the motions. I'm done! I'm going to live my life & going to live in the moment! I'm sorry to those I've been absent from lately, sorry if I've appeared "bitchy" or anything other than present. This is my life & up until recently it has been exactly how I wanted it. I have worked very hard to put things in place and I'm getting back to it!

(Usually if I post one if these things it will be taken wrong by someone. Let me spell it out so as not to do that. The only meaning in this post is I had a revelation that I've had my head in the sand & I need to reenter the land of the living. It took me overhearing a friend speak badly of me to shake me awake, so to speak. I'm not mad at anyone other than myself for allowing me to step so far back. I'm working on me now. Trying to be more mindful & aware. To stop shoveling any and all food into my face while pretending its not happening. I need to continue forward not back. Hope that's what you got out of reading this)

And I need to be more cautious of who I let in my circle maybe.

Its raining its pouring

Its raining it's pouring & technically the old man IS snoring. Not that I could fall asleep right now if I wanted to. I've been sitting here contemplating my next move. You see everything has changed. I've shared that its been a shitty year & nothing had changed there. In addition to the crap I've already shared much more has happened. My mom died. Just as quick and blunt as that sentence. No warning, no chance to tell her good by she just died. At first there was no real time to deal with it. Everything happened so fast & you just kind of go through whatever preprogrammed steps there are. You show up. You pick this out you decide about that. You console everyone else. You just do whatever you do. Then it's a mad rush to get things back to normal. You go back to work & school. You do the laundry but you find yourself staring off into space thinking of nothing and not really being present for much.

In my case I rushed right into writing my final paper for sociology, or trying to. Its actually still not done. Then I got sick. The there was Jeff's party.

As any family with so many children there has been the usual drama. This one is mad about this. That one is angry at so & so. This one (& that one) refuse to pay anything & also is being a giant asshole.

Without going into details here, a series of events happened that I actually look at & shake my head. I have worked very hard to get myself financially OK in the last few years. It has been one thing after another & I finally had a little bit of money set aside for my school this semester, Kevin's graduation & what ever emergencies came up. Needless to say I will not be going to school this semester, and if anything breaks around here we are screwed. Add to that the fact that I read the same two pages six times and still have no report, I've got a kid who doesn't believe in himself & is trying to give me an ulcer getting him through his senior year. Throwing up, dust bunnies & we had a party. Another child that is sick. And the crazy train that stops by every so often. Jeff does this party every year. Between the stress of my paper, getting the house ready & not feeling totally connected I wasn't doing anything other than going through the motions. Bahm out of left field things change again.

I'm to freaking old for this crap. I just wanna happy quiet life. I don't ask for much. Someplace I belong and loved, respect, nothing crazy. It is apparently to much to ask for. I have spent the last two years working on becoming the best version of me & I can not let that work be undone. Perhaps I need to just take the kids and move into a quiet little shack someplace in the middle of nowhere & live peacefully. Its a shame that a few bad apples have been allowed to put me emotionally & financially in a deficit. I hope they can live with the consequences of their actions.

Oh if anyone has a shack I can move into please pet me know. Preferably in the Canisteo area but will settle for just about anything really. And must accept SAM.

On the edge

I was so proud of myself today. I woke up and had my positive outlook back. It's been a hell of a year and it seems like everyday something has gone wrong. Even if it's something minor something has happened. Last week I kind of felt like it all came to a head. I took the weekend to reevaluate and felt positive I had it all in perspective today. I went to work where I feel as if I worked hard and was looking so forward to getting to the gym after then home for dinner & homework.

When I walked in the door (later than planned), I was greeted by a mountain of laundry that was literally piled higher than the washer. Where did all of this come from? It's not as if I didn't spend my entire weekend doing laundry yet here is this pile. I decided to change out of my work clothes before I tackled it & saw Jeff. Who is still sick & told me when he got home the house was about 40° because the heater went out. Kevin hasn't had dinner yet, who knows where Liana is. As I climb the stairs my phone dings indicating I have a message. My Mom tells me how my Aunt Barb died. She apparently went to get the mail, fell & froze to death.

That is the point I lost my shit.

My heart is hurting so much thinking of this. I can't imagine how my cousins are feeling. I can't wrap my head around this. I came downstairs to at least start the laundry & as I started filling it up the water came out all dirty & gritty. Based on that & the fact that water is coming out in spurts in the rest of the house leads me to believe there might be a main break somewhere in town. 

Really none of the other bullshit in life matters. What matters is my loved ones. It matters that Jeff is feeling so sick. It matters that Sam seems to know my emotions & reacts accordingly. It matters that Kevin saw me crying & gave me a hug & spends time joking around with me while I'm finally getting him dinner at 8:30 at night. It matters that Liana & Brandon are doing math homework at the kitchen table (now that I've located her). It matters that tomorrow I celebrate 10 years with my very best friend. I don't give a shit what else is happening.

Thinking out loud

I am sitting here trying to get the motivation to get out of bed. Its freezing outside & honestly I've been in a pretty bad mood for the last few days. It started over something innocent or at least I thought it was. Someone made a comment about one of my children & the Mamma Bear in me was awakened. You know that initial reaction you get where you feel the hairs in the back of your neck rise & your senses become aware of more around you. I've always been kind of a bitch where my kids are concerned. By that I mean if they do something wrong I hold them accountable. I'm not one of these people that makes excuses for them or blames it on someone else. For example: one of my children had walked to the store a while back. A truck full of his friends pulled up & he was chatting with them. The driver of the truck asked him to take his money in to pay for gas since he was going in. For whatever reason the pump did not shut off and the kid went over. As the kids were talking the clerk came out yelling at my son that they were going to call the cops if they didn't pay the extra. The driver said it was the clerks fault & drove away. My son was left there to deal with the clerk. When he came home & told me about it I made him march right back down there and pay the remaining amount. Was it his fault the clerk didn't set the pump to stop, no. Was it his fault the friend didn't pay attention & stop the pump? Maybe he was talking to him, could have distracted him. The bottom line was he chose to accept the task of paying for the gas, he chose to hang out with these people. He was the person the clerk thought was responsible.
Anyway my point of that ramble is that I will always hold my kids accountable. I don't over inflate their egos. I give praise or correction when needed.
So anyway my senses were keen & I was listening taking in what was happening. When I got home that evening & was talking to my child the situation became more clear. There comes a point when your Mamma Bear senses are activated that you have to transition from the hair on the back of your neck being risen to giving a warning growl. At that point either the predator either takes a step back or a step forward. The next reaction is generally entirely based on that. You see for me that warning growl doesn't come without much investigation into the situation. So to get the growl I've got to know a million percent that your sights are set in my cub. Then if that is true and the growl produces a step forward watch out. This Mamma Bear will be on her hind legs, teeth bared and gnarling, claws up & ready to tear whatever the threat is.
Or at least that's what the feelings inside are. So I've got this angry Mamma Bear thing going on & I've been trying to resolve an insurance issue for my daughter as well at the same time. The ex supposedly carries it since about November. I took her to the doctor (my place of employment I might add) & they tell me the insurance is not working. I call the ex he says he will see what's wrong. I get a message from him saying its fixed. The doctors office tries to resubmit and again saying not active. I tell him & he says he will see what's wrong. Again I get a message from him saying its fixed they can resubmit on Friday. Again they try and nothing. I go to the pharmacy to get her medication & they say the same thing. Again I tell him not working. I get a message from his wife saying she spoke to the insurance coordinator at his work & Liana is listed as active on their list. She tells me she will print off the thing and bring it to me that the office needs to call Excellus and see what they are doing wrong.
OK so this is where I take a moment to stop & catch my breath & reevaluate the situation because my teeth are already chomping, ready to take out a jugular. Clearly the doctor office, who sees hundreds of patients a day is not submitting the bill incorrectly. Clearly trying to get these two yahoos to get anything fixed is not working. In the meantime my place of employment has not been paid for a service they provided to my family. I am embarrassed to say the least. Not that they said anything, quite the contrary they were being very helpful in trying to sort it out however back to that whole being accountable thing I felt embarrassed.
On the back of the insurance card is a customer service number so during my lunch I called it. Apparently my ex husband does have a dependant listed on his insurance. In fact its my daughter name however with the wrong date of birth. The lady told me the employer group would need to resubmit as it was incorrect when it came over. I told the new wife that. She told me she again contacted the benefit person at Eric's work and they said it was fixed. Then in the evening I got another message from the ex saying it was fixed.
So I drive to Wegmans again to get her medication and again its denied saying no coverage. I sent the ex a message saying not working. Tell the pharmacy tech what happened when I called so she called the insurance company. They confirmed no change had been submitted yet. As I'm sitting at Wegmans waiting for this all to pan out I start getting text messages from the ex. They start with he's going to have me charged for talking with the insurance company because they shouldn't have spoken to me. He's going to get me fired from my job. I'm a terrible person who is messing up the kids lives. On and on and on. From 5:00 last night until 8:45 message after message about how I suck at life. I asked him to stop messaging me. I could not turn my phone off as Kevin was not home yet.
So here I am in Mamma Bear mode, embarrassed by this new situation suddenly feeling like I'm scumb of the earth. See I'm not sure what it is about my ex. I know he is pretty much useless & has spent the last several years of his life doing more harm than good & I would think if he told you the sun was shinning you'd better go check for yourself, but when he does this & tells me I'm shit I believe him. Why is it so easy for me to let that happen? The truth is I might be screwing these kids up but I haven't seen an ounce of help from him to change the situation. I'm the one that's here. I'm the one that is making sure the kids have what they need, taking them to the doctor, getting their medication, making sure I know where they are and what they are doing, holding them accountable for their actions. I'm the one that is working full time & going to school full time but take a whole Saturday to sit on the bleachers to support my daughter doing something she is so passionate about. Going to a basketball game when I've been sick and just want to go to bed. Scrounge around the house to find enough change for something they need. I might be making mistakes but I'm doing the very best I can.
I was finally able to get the harassment to stop by sending him a message saying his number had been blocked. My fear was if I had blocked him he would have turned his craziness toward the kids.
I wish I were the type of person that could turn a blind eye to this sort of thing. The type of person that could teach my kids to say to heck with it. If someone wronged them they didn't have to be nice to them or go out of their way to help them but I'm not. I'm the type of person that believes you should be kind & you are not responsible to get even with anyone else. And unfortunately I'm the type of person that will lay awake all night and analyze every decision and choice I've made over the last 23 years to see where I've screwed up & why I suck at life. Its funny how it takes one night of BS from someone you thought you were done with when you signed the divorce papers to undo all of the hard work you thought you had done to fix yourself. Yet here I am the same sad person who questions every move.
Honestly I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of having to fight for everything whether its health insurance, or keeping a running vehicle I'm just tired. I need something to give here. I'm not saying I'm ready to throw in the towel or anything like that. I'm simply saying that I'm ready for my focus and attention to be directed towards something more positive.

All sides considered

I am amazed by the outpouring of support I have gotten in the last few days. I know I have a great support system & know those that I can count on in every day situations. What surprised me has been the complete and total support from people that I never considered. In case you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about I will fill you in on a few situations. I can't, at this point, give many details so forgive me for being vague. Starting in New Years Eve my family (or members of it) have been deeply impacted by situations. Either because people close to them were involved in situations or because of situations they have found themselves in. None of them are good.

Much as I suspected all of the situations have resulted in the public trial of many people, often times with misinformation and people hearing part of the story then inflating it for their own telling and before you know it they are all out of control. People I would normally consider educated, level headed people have been posting things on Facebook that make me question their sanity. As information became available to me Friday on a situation directly involving my family members I was outraged at the information on Facebook. For a moment I wanted to set the record straight then realized everything is on video & we are honest people who go out of our way to help people & the truth will come out.

The outpouring of love & support has made me realize how lucky I am to be surrounded by such people. I kind of expect that sort of support from people I have known for years. My family, a few close friends. What I didn't expect were those fairly new relationships. Those that I've only known a handful of years. The phone calls and messages telling me they know my kids and know what was being said could not be true, those that said they know I'm a good mom, those that said they love us all and whatever happens they are here with us. Its just been amazing. And not the fluff kind of support that people give automatically because its expected, kind of like when you ask someone how are you & they automatically say good even though its the worst day of their lives. The deep, true compassion that is genuine.

Besides realizing how wonderful the people in my life are I also realized there are three sides to everything. Yours, theirs & the truth. It takes a bad situation (or in this case one everyday since the new year), to bring out everyone's true colors. Quickly people either toss stone's from their glass house, or jump up on their high horse, but also quickly people are there with open arms and encouragement. I prefer to stick with the latter. They seem a little more real & long term. Forgive me for ever being anything other than genuine and kind.

Should you find yourself reading this and you think you may know something or are curious just ask me (via private message) & I will happily tell you.

Here's to a peaceful rest of 2015