I've pretty much been in a fog. I have days that I have felt I'm coming out of it, but for the most part I have felt as if I'm just going through the motions. Its not deliberate, it just is. I have no recollection of most of the month of April and so far May. I've no idea most of the things I've said or done. I imagine its normal, but it scares the hell out of me & I don't know how to rejoin the land of the living.
For the most part I've been in living in the fog of emotionlessly existence, however yesterday I overheard a conversation about me, well most of it. I was floored. I guess I'm still able to feel because my feelings were hurt. I let it bother me for the entire night and most of this morning. Then I wondered why I'm taking on someone else's problem when I can barely deal with my own at the moment. You see I considered one of the parties involved to be a good friend, someone I erroneously confided in. I don't often let people in my circle so when I do it hurts to find out their true colors.
I spent the evening going over the last few months trying to remember what or when I did something to cause these feelings I heard. The only conclusion I have today is I have no idea. Honestly I can't spend another moment worrying about it. I have said I was sorry for whatever I've done, if this person would rather talk about me behind my back, during one of the most difficult times in my life, rather than talk to me about whatever it is I've done, then that is going to have to be their problem.
I have gotten off track these last few months. I've gained a lot of weight, 13 pounds to be exact. I've forgotten my goals, I've only been going through the motions. I'm done! I'm going to live my life & going to live in the moment! I'm sorry to those I've been absent from lately, sorry if I've appeared "bitchy" or anything other than present. This is my life & up until recently it has been exactly how I wanted it. I have worked very hard to put things in place and I'm getting back to it!
(Usually if I post one if these things it will be taken wrong by someone. Let me spell it out so as not to do that. The only meaning in this post is I had a revelation that I've had my head in the sand & I need to reenter the land of the living. It took me overhearing a friend speak badly of me to shake me awake, so to speak. I'm not mad at anyone other than myself for allowing me to step so far back. I'm working on me now. Trying to be more mindful & aware. To stop shoveling any and all food into my face while pretending its not happening. I need to continue forward not back. Hope that's what you got out of reading this)
And I need to be more cautious of who I let in my circle maybe.
