New Year, New Me

Last year I started the new year with a new job and by trying to learn and do new things. My goal was to step out of my comfort zone and do things I normally wouldn't. I feel like I tried several new things with great success. I started and finished a lot of outdoor projects. I started working on getting healthy by working with a trainer and eating better. I have amazed myself with how great its been. I have worked on retraining my thinking so I could see the glass half full.

I've been thinking what I will set as my goal for this year.

I still love my job so I have no plans of changing that. I love the idea of continuing the projects I started last year. I feel like this is MY big year. My last year in my 30's, the year its all going to happen for me. As silky as that sounds I feel that way.

For to long I have needed other people to validate me. Things that now looking back are silly. Like if Jeff didn't marry me there must be something wrong with me or he didn't love me. Like if people didn't notice the progress I've made it must not be that great. If my people didn't rave about my garden it must be less than good enough.

How goofy that all is.

The truth is I have been working really hard on becoming the best me. Jeff loves me and my children so much and takes such good care of us. I have worked very hard and I don't need that validated. The fact is I am who I am. I like myself more now than I ever have. I can't wait to see where this takes me!

Happy 2014

The stockings were hung

One of the problems with blended families are holidays. Everybody comes with their own traditions and combining them can be a challenge. In my case I was married to someone that was very assertive and our traditions were dictated by his mood. I was so excited for my first Christmas on our own until I realized I had walked away from the marriage with basically the clothes on my back. I had no decorations nothing. At the time I went to Walmart and bought the saddest little fake tree for $25 and a box of plastic decorations. It was the ugliest tree and I vowed to make it better in the future.

We moved in with Jeff and he and Jamie had their own traditions and it didn't feel like there was really room for ours or us in them. The first year we felt like that I set our tree up and put it on the porch. The second year we couldn't coordinate with all of the kids being here until Christmas eve and did our tree then. It just always feels like I am dropping the tradition ball. I have never wanted my kids to be unable to look back and pull up great memories.

This year I made a commitment not to stress about it. I decided I would do what I wanted when I wanted and my new family would be part of new traditions. It started with Thanksgiving. I had big plans and high hopes. All included just being at home cooking and chillin with my family. I had a blast with Liana while Jeff and Kevin were hunting. I decided one weekend we were going to get the decorations out and go to town. After all the only two children still living at home are Kevin and Liana. Zach and Jamie now live on their own in their own places and are starting their own traditions. However everything is still in totes and nothing is done. Every time I try to begin I am hit with a roadblock. I know its not anyone being malicious but I am starting to get pissed off.

I guess the point is not really about the Christmas decorations. I think its really about that I still don't feel as if I belong anywhere. I don't have anything of my own, no say in anything that goes on. I am 39 years old still living in someone else's house using someone else's belongings with no pot to piss in.

About 4 years ago I set goals for myself to reach before I hit 40. They are clear things that I am unwilling to waver on. Get a better education and job which I have done. Well at least the first round. Be married to Jeff or move on. Be healthy. I have been working very hard on this and in just over 3 months I am well on my way to achieving this goal. Be in charge of myself. This means I rely on me and my own for everything. Also been working on this. I have been working very hard to learn new things and continually trying to grow into the best person I can be.

I feel this stupid sadness that started yesterday while I was cleaning this stupid house that it seems I am always doing and I can't seem to shake it. I feel a mixture of panic because I have one good year left and sadness because I have one year left and I'm still pathetically living other people's lives. I feel so disconnected from everyone and I know its stupid and I will feel really dumb when I look back on this but right now I feel all alone on this sad pathetic journey.

So what's a girl to do.... I personally hate sad, helpless feelings and I refuse to accept them. I may not be able to put up someone else's tree but I will decorate this place with my $12 plastic ornaments and some cheesy Garland. I'm not going to allow myself to be the girl that feels sorry for herself because things aren't working out for me. I'm going to dry my eyes and set myself straight and spend the next 364 days working towards my goals before I'm 40. Well all but the whole Jeff marrying me. I know he loves me. Marriage may not be in his future. I do know however that it IS in mine. Off track because that's not really what's making me sad. I've got some decoration to do........

I've got this Bitches!

For the first time my bra feels way to big. I was just commenting at work that was the only area I haven't noticed my clothes getting to big, which surprised me because in the past that was the first place I had lost weight. Tonight while working out one of the exercises I did made me notice it might be time for a new one.

Just now I was in the kitchen chatting with Liana and I grabbed a spoon of peanut butter. I probably made some face because I don't really care for a spoon full of peanut butter and Liana said "just put a little sugar on it". Made me think about some other things I've heard while going through my transformation.  One night the neighbor wanted to grab some drinks. I told him I was staying in and resting up because I had to weigh in the next morning. His response was to hop on the scale right then and snap a picture for my trainer. I have heard to go ahead and have one glass or one piece or one meal or its OK to slip because I have to live. People don't say those things to me because they want me to fail but rather because they love me and ultimately want me to be happy and try to give me that happiness without the guilt. When I first started my process our office was bombarded with goodies and I remember Kim being my biggest cheerleader telling me not to even go in the kitchen and offering to walk with me at lunch. I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I think its part of my transformation to have these moments so I can work through them and get to the best me. I've got a long way to go but it sure is easier to do with so much love and support (even hidden) behind me.

I feel kind of badass this week. I feel strong and healthy and I keep wanting to get to the next level. When I've been working out with others and I have to take weight off before I do it I get pissed that I'm not already at that level. Its funny to think I'm that person. Tonight while we were working out there was talk about doing another dead lift challenge and I got excited at the idea of it. I've had a few times where people have made some comments that normally I would have let derail my progress but this time I am using it to fuel my motivation. Yeah I know I've still got a long way to go but I'm already so much further than I was and each time I choose to stay on program I am one step closer to my success. Bring it on.... I've got this!