Take two (or rather twenty)

Well I've been working hard for over a year to get healthy. I've made some huge changes like dropping over fifty pounds, getting my health in check, finding my confidence, basically trying to become the best version of me. Along the way I have had some minor set backs and have had to start over several times. The last few weeks I find myself at that place where I need to start over again. It pisses me off in all honesty. I know better yet here I am eating crap and lots of it.

I know I can't undo what I've done so I guess I can only try to learn from this and move on. There is no really reason why I'm here again. Mentally I feel better than I have in a long time. For some reason I felt as if I needed to celebrate my birthday. I had lots of "junk" in celebration of my turning 40. Then I just had to eat all of the stuff patients brought in. Here I am 4 pounds up and feeling like crap.

So here I am again reevaluating and restarting. I just need to remind myself that the little tastes and bites really don't taste that good and considering how it makes feel its so not worth it. So if I see you over the next few weeks and I decline your offering of goodies please don't be offended. This is not just a fad I'm going through but my life.

Maybe one of these times I'll get it right.

Shanken not stirred

I don't scare easily. Well I suppose I do at like scary movies and spiders, the usual startling things, but not the rattle your bones and make your stomach drop to your toes kind of scared. Tonight my blood ran cold.

About a week ago our dryer stopped working & since it falls on the heels of me hitting a deer & Kevin hitting a deer & Jamie's car breaking down & on & on & on, I am temporarily having to use the laundry mat to dry clothes. I wash up a bunch then take them down to dry. I was doing just that a short time ago & found I had no cash in hand. So I parked my car & walked around the corner to the ATM on Main St. I debated about going to the ATM at the Acorn however I have leggings & a sweater on & was to hot with my boots on so I stuck my sneakers on and just didn't bother changing. I look dumb & just didn't want anyone to see me. I figured no one would recognise me walking to the ATM downtown.

Anyway I parked my car and went to get cash. I just took my money & was grabbing my card when I heard something behind me. This young kid, maybe Liana's age or a little older, came walking up to me. No really a walk but not a run either, quick like. I jumped & said "you scared the shit out of me." He looked behind him & said "just give me the money." Before I even had a second to think I asked him if $20 was worth getting shot over.

That's when I felt my stomach drop. He looked right in my eyes and ran off down the road. I am not carrying a gun, do not own a gun, do not have a pistol permit. It was just a natural response. Truthfully if the kid needed money I'd have given it to him. In fact I am far more likely to do that then ever actually shoot someone. But it scared me.

I left and went back to my car and put my clothes in the dryers. The whole time I couldn't shake that feeling. Even now, after I'm home I'm still shaken. I always walk after dark, leave my cars unlocked, keys in it, heck half the time I leave the house unlocked because Liana will forget her keys and I worry she won't be able to get in. I live in this community because I like being able to do those things. Not any more.

This was just a kid. Who knows how it would have turned out if I hadn't turned at that exact moment or if I would have not said that. I do know there is a good chance I will see this kid again. He had a Canisteo-Greenwood sweatshirt on. I will, without a doubt recognise him. I wonder if he will recognise me.

Maybe it is time to get my pistol permit or at the very least become more aware of my surroundings.