Wednesday, June 24, 2015

To Everything..... There is a Season

Last week I got a letter in the mail addressed to the parents of Kevin. I joked with him that every time I get one of these it causes anxiety & fear that it will tell me he has skipped to many days to graduate. As I opened it, with butterflies because I really was worried. Much to my delight & surprise the very first word was Congratulations!!! Kevin got an award that would be handed out during a formal ceremony and blah blah blah.....

For real! Kevin is going to graduate! For the first time this year I allowed myself to relax & believe it to be true. Every day since the letter arrived I've been hassling him about what he was going to wear & how he had to go. I've been telling everyone that would even pretend to listen about how my Son, the graduate, got an award. Poor Kevin. Its been a long week.

Tonight I rushed home from work, changed my clothes. Changed them again. Then bolted out the door just in time to sit in the auditorium packed with seniors who looked uncomfortable with their fancy clothes on, parents who looked at their offspring with that look of pride. We watched the touching power point with all of the baby pictures and senior pictures set to music and waited through the introductions. Finally they began announcing the awards. Mid way through they presented the awards to those from the graduating class planning to enter the military. Kevin was given an award for entering the Marines.

He looked so good walking across the stage in his dress clothes, shaking hands with whoever it was. I just realized I have no idea who presented his award. Anyway. After that he rejoined Jeff and I and we waited and waited for the ceremony to finish.

When it was time to leave my handsome young man realized he locked his keys in his truck. I left he and Jeff to figure it out, came home & as I was changing my clothes it hit me! Kevin is graduating & joining the Marines. Its not something that is happening in the future. It is happening now. My little kid who can win anyone over with his crooked little smile & smooth talking. The little boy who has always preferred to be outside than in. The kid who has given me heart palpitations all year because his "free spirit" has kept him out of class. He has told me since he was 8 years old what his plans were, I just always thought I had time to worry about it later.

Tonight I realized its later.

I am so very very proud of the young man he has become. He has so many qualities I value in people, like honesty, even when its not what I want to hear or its difficult. Willing to help anyone out without asking or expecting anything in return. Hard working.....I could go on and on. The point is this kid has made me so proud & so sad all in one moment. Love you KVT

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

77 Days.......

That's how long it has been since my world came crashing down around me. 77 days. That is 11 weeks, 1848 hours, 110,880 minutes. That really is not that long. Not when you were happily going about your business, doing normal daily activities like work, cooking dinner, planning the future.  When your body goes through a shock like that it does funny things, things I had only heard people speak about, but never really understood until recently. For me I had the initial shock, then my body and mind went into what I consider  self preservation mode. That is where I block everything out and go through the motions. In my mind I knew what had happened, however I was refusing to think about it, really talk about it, acknowledge it in any way. I secretly had my own fears of dealing with it. I didn't want to allow myself to lose control emotionally because I'm not sure I would ever get it back. I had fear that my fate would end up being the same. Fear of who I would be able to go to now when I need something, or even if I don't.

 I finally broke down and went to my doctor, where I had a long conversation about all of my fears. I laid it all on the table, went through every inch of every medical problem my entire family has, probably for the first time in my life. As a result I feel like I am finally starting to rejoin the land of the living. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sitting in a dark corner waiting for the right time to feel better. I've been trying, very hard, to get back to normal. I go to work, I sometimes go to the gym, I've planned Kevin's graduation, I've gotten the garden planted and flowers worked on. I'm going through the motions. What I'm not doing is talking to my family or friends much. I'm afraid of my family and after overhearing my "friend" talk crap about me, I'm hesitant to really let anyone close. I do talk with my circle, Jeff, Leslie, the kids and a few family members and friends. My saving grace has been two people that have been going through the same thing and understanding whats going on with me. I just haven't really been to the point of ok until recently.

Then today happened. I woke in a great mood, feeling very positive. I was looking forward to working, then getting home and hopefully quickly doing my homework because tomorrow is Kevin's BOCES graduation and this weekend Liana has her marching band competition. The day was a typical day, like any other. I was focused on my tasks at hand and plugging through each patient. We had a very informative presentation at lunch time and if you know me, you know I love learning new things. I was feeling better than I have in so long. Towards the end of the day one of the girls from the front came to tell me I had a phone call. When I answered it a family member of one of my beloved patients notified me that my patient had passed away last night. I am so sad about this. I am close with a lot of my patients. When one of them goes through a difficult time I mourn with them. when they go through a good time I celebrate with them. When I first started working with Kim I was green. She was my first real full time nursing job. I was shy, introverted, unsure of every move I made. There are less than a handful of patients that saw right through that awkwardness and grabbed a hold of my heart strings and wormed their way in. This patient was one of them. It is a sad day for me today. The kind of sad day that makes me question why I even got into nursing. I know the real answer to that, I'm just spitting words out trying to make sense of it all. I might not actually be the right person for this job anymore. I mean I love what I do, but I don't really think I'm the type of person that can not get close to some people. The type of person that can be jaded and not see people other than a valuable life, even those I may not care a great deal for I believe are valuable and I'm not the type that will ever be able to turn that part of me off. I'll always be upset when I lose one of "mine". Truthfully I don't want to become that person either. I am sensitive and I want to stay that way. I want to continue to see good and value in people. I don't want to change that. 

Needless to say, I've been doing a ton of thinking the last week or so. I've come to a couple of conclusions.....

I am going to deactivate my Facebook. I can not do it until after July 4th, however I am going to. As I have been struggling with the new way of life (and it has been a struggle), I've realized people have to much access to me. I post something and I mean it in a positive manner, however someone takes it as negative. While it is their problem they misunderstood me, it has effected my life. Someone I considered a very good friend said today that I'm negative and I should be over it by now and I was using my moms death as an excuse. Here I thought I was finally working through things and was able to finally say, and believe and understand that my mom is gone, that I am actually able to finally see and feel again and for the first time for longer than a minute I could think something positive, however they took what I had said as negative. I can not and will not do that. If I'm honest people have often had a difficult time understanding me. Part of that is because I just don't want to trust people and I don't let them know the real me, and part of that is that people are assholes.Either way, if you are reading this I'm going to be gone from the big FB soon. If we are friends in real life we will manage to stay in touch. I intend to start a company page as soon as I finish my certification for Health Coaching and perhaps one day we will work together in that way.

I am both mortified and elated that Kevin is graduating. I didn't want it to come because I have to face it without my Mom. She was looking so forward to his graduating this year. She got new shoes, we talked about it so often and planned things out. I don't want to do it without her. I want to call her and ask her how to do thing like make fresh lemon aid like she did and how to make frog-eyed salad until she agreed to bring it, how many of this I need and other random things.   I want to be pissed off because she wont let me borrow her tent thingy for the day because my siblings will be mad if she lets me and not them. I want her to come over and walk around the house with me to check out my garden, and advise me on my flower beds. I want her to see the work I've done. I want one of her hugs that she saved for when you really needed it. Not the quick little hello or good-by hugs, but the wrap you in and let you know it doesn't matter what is happening, she is there to help you through it hugs. 

It is at this moment I realize it has only been 77 days. How can someone expect me to be over this already when I have only really been facing it for a week and a half? How can they not see the raw pain, or feel the shattering I have going on inside of me? Why can't they hear my insides screaming for it all to stop and for stupidness to STFU so I can breathe. Why can't I breathe?.......

77 days. 

I am encouraged today, even through my sadness. Today is the first real cry I have had since my mom died. I'm not talking about the time directly after. I'm talking since realization has hit. I'm excited because I know from here you progress onto the part where you celebrate their life. I'm excited because it seems I am moving forward adn even if I am not going through the motions per someone else's decided timeline, I am moving. I'm feeling and I'm going to be alright.

77 days from today will be the end of August. The time when Kevin plans to go to the Marines. 77 days is not nearly long enough.