New Year, New Me

Last year I started the new year with a new job and by trying to learn and do new things. My goal was to step out of my comfort zone and do things I normally wouldn't. I feel like I tried several new things with great success. I started and finished a lot of outdoor projects. I started working on getting healthy by working with a trainer and eating better. I have amazed myself with how great its been. I have worked on retraining my thinking so I could see the glass half full.

I've been thinking what I will set as my goal for this year.

I still love my job so I have no plans of changing that. I love the idea of continuing the projects I started last year. I feel like this is MY big year. My last year in my 30's, the year its all going to happen for me. As silky as that sounds I feel that way.

For to long I have needed other people to validate me. Things that now looking back are silly. Like if Jeff didn't marry me there must be something wrong with me or he didn't love me. Like if people didn't notice the progress I've made it must not be that great. If my people didn't rave about my garden it must be less than good enough.

How goofy that all is.

The truth is I have been working really hard on becoming the best me. Jeff loves me and my children so much and takes such good care of us. I have worked very hard and I don't need that validated. The fact is I am who I am. I like myself more now than I ever have. I can't wait to see where this takes me!

Happy 2014

The stockings were hung

One of the problems with blended families are holidays. Everybody comes with their own traditions and combining them can be a challenge. In my case I was married to someone that was very assertive and our traditions were dictated by his mood. I was so excited for my first Christmas on our own until I realized I had walked away from the marriage with basically the clothes on my back. I had no decorations nothing. At the time I went to Walmart and bought the saddest little fake tree for $25 and a box of plastic decorations. It was the ugliest tree and I vowed to make it better in the future.

We moved in with Jeff and he and Jamie had their own traditions and it didn't feel like there was really room for ours or us in them. The first year we felt like that I set our tree up and put it on the porch. The second year we couldn't coordinate with all of the kids being here until Christmas eve and did our tree then. It just always feels like I am dropping the tradition ball. I have never wanted my kids to be unable to look back and pull up great memories.

This year I made a commitment not to stress about it. I decided I would do what I wanted when I wanted and my new family would be part of new traditions. It started with Thanksgiving. I had big plans and high hopes. All included just being at home cooking and chillin with my family. I had a blast with Liana while Jeff and Kevin were hunting. I decided one weekend we were going to get the decorations out and go to town. After all the only two children still living at home are Kevin and Liana. Zach and Jamie now live on their own in their own places and are starting their own traditions. However everything is still in totes and nothing is done. Every time I try to begin I am hit with a roadblock. I know its not anyone being malicious but I am starting to get pissed off.

I guess the point is not really about the Christmas decorations. I think its really about that I still don't feel as if I belong anywhere. I don't have anything of my own, no say in anything that goes on. I am 39 years old still living in someone else's house using someone else's belongings with no pot to piss in.

About 4 years ago I set goals for myself to reach before I hit 40. They are clear things that I am unwilling to waver on. Get a better education and job which I have done. Well at least the first round. Be married to Jeff or move on. Be healthy. I have been working very hard on this and in just over 3 months I am well on my way to achieving this goal. Be in charge of myself. This means I rely on me and my own for everything. Also been working on this. I have been working very hard to learn new things and continually trying to grow into the best person I can be.

I feel this stupid sadness that started yesterday while I was cleaning this stupid house that it seems I am always doing and I can't seem to shake it. I feel a mixture of panic because I have one good year left and sadness because I have one year left and I'm still pathetically living other people's lives. I feel so disconnected from everyone and I know its stupid and I will feel really dumb when I look back on this but right now I feel all alone on this sad pathetic journey.

So what's a girl to do.... I personally hate sad, helpless feelings and I refuse to accept them. I may not be able to put up someone else's tree but I will decorate this place with my $12 plastic ornaments and some cheesy Garland. I'm not going to allow myself to be the girl that feels sorry for herself because things aren't working out for me. I'm going to dry my eyes and set myself straight and spend the next 364 days working towards my goals before I'm 40. Well all but the whole Jeff marrying me. I know he loves me. Marriage may not be in his future. I do know however that it IS in mine. Off track because that's not really what's making me sad. I've got some decoration to do........

I've got this Bitches!

For the first time my bra feels way to big. I was just commenting at work that was the only area I haven't noticed my clothes getting to big, which surprised me because in the past that was the first place I had lost weight. Tonight while working out one of the exercises I did made me notice it might be time for a new one.

Just now I was in the kitchen chatting with Liana and I grabbed a spoon of peanut butter. I probably made some face because I don't really care for a spoon full of peanut butter and Liana said "just put a little sugar on it". Made me think about some other things I've heard while going through my transformation.  One night the neighbor wanted to grab some drinks. I told him I was staying in and resting up because I had to weigh in the next morning. His response was to hop on the scale right then and snap a picture for my trainer. I have heard to go ahead and have one glass or one piece or one meal or its OK to slip because I have to live. People don't say those things to me because they want me to fail but rather because they love me and ultimately want me to be happy and try to give me that happiness without the guilt. When I first started my process our office was bombarded with goodies and I remember Kim being my biggest cheerleader telling me not to even go in the kitchen and offering to walk with me at lunch. I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I think its part of my transformation to have these moments so I can work through them and get to the best me. I've got a long way to go but it sure is easier to do with so much love and support (even hidden) behind me.

I feel kind of badass this week. I feel strong and healthy and I keep wanting to get to the next level. When I've been working out with others and I have to take weight off before I do it I get pissed that I'm not already at that level. Its funny to think I'm that person. Tonight while we were working out there was talk about doing another dead lift challenge and I got excited at the idea of it. I've had a few times where people have made some comments that normally I would have let derail my progress but this time I am using it to fuel my motivation. Yeah I know I've still got a long way to go but I'm already so much further than I was and each time I choose to stay on program I am one step closer to my success. Bring it on.... I've got this!

Thinking out loud

Finally I am starting to feel better. Doctor said I have a sinus infection and double ear infection. Today is actually the best I have felt in almost a month. I started stressing because I was feeling so bad I didn't care if I ate or what I ate and I had to miss three days of working out. Looking back it was the best thing for me however I still worry about the progress I might have lost.

One of the main reasons I started this whole body makeover was because my cholesterol was high, my blood pressure was high and basically I was on the verge of my health taking a turn I wasn't comfortable with. Last week I redid my blood work. I expected a miracle. What I got was realistic results. In two and a half months I dropped my LDL 25 points, my tryglicerides over 30 points. My glucose almost 50. The bad part is my HDL also dropped but the overall picture is wonderful! I was a Goofball and worried so much about the blood work. I should have trusted the process. The thing is though that for me to do this was huge. Not just because historically I am not a physically active person to this degree but rather the money. Jeff being out of work we have been struggling to keep it all together. I don't get any child support from my ex and unfortunately it has been a year of one thing after another so it been tough. Jeff and I talked about it and decided we couldn't afford not to do this. That being said I wasn't exactly honest about how much the process would cost. There are actually only two people I did tell how much it cost. I would happily pay twice as much as I have already because the changes I have already had have been worth it but the timing was just off. Under our normal circumstances it wouldn't even have been a problem.
But I feel like I invested everything into it. That my family's future is kind of resting on my success and results so its a big deal.

Anyway I got off subject....

Speaking of going to the doctor....

I have always struggled to find the balance between medications and homoeopathic treatments. I'm not all hipppy natural or anything but I do believe all natural resources should be tried first. An example of this would be my elevated cholesterol. My doctor gave me a statin to take. The results were that my legs and back ached so bad. My legs felt as if they weighed a million pounds. With a little hard work and some help by someone that knew what they were doing I was able to make changes with diet and exercise. Another example is someone that has a vitamin deficiency. Often times that can mimic something else. Like to little vitamin D can cause symptoms like fibro. Often times its not checked. So maybe if people are better educated on nutrition and accurate testing is done people wouldn't have to take so many man made drugs? That's one reason I am so proud to work with Kim. I believe she considers all of those things and when I am curious about things she is so good about talking it out. Actually I have found the providers at the office I work to be that way. I did have one roll his eyes at me when I asked about cinnamon and honey lowering cholesterol but more in a playful way.

I have always been intrigued by the body and its ability to change and repair. How nutrition affects it. All aspects of it. People are funny things. Its interesting to me to figure the tangled mess out. To try to be part of the process of making it whole. I should probably figure out how I can do that on a larger scale while still doing what I love.

Thanksgiving is this week. I am looking forward to doing things a little different this year. I will start by working out then tweak our normal dishes a little hopefully without anyone knowing :).  We also have a new nurse starting this week. I was told Friday that the person that shares my work space is going to move so the new nurse can sit there. It really bumms me out but I guess its not my call.

I feel kind of bad I haven't been over to see Audrey and Blake for a week. I miss that little girl and I really want to have time to bond with Blake. Maybe this week.

I spent the weekend sanitizing this house. I swear there was a half inch of dust on everything. Clutter found its way everywhere and all of it was holding onto germs. Dramatic I know. Its gone now though and my least favorite thing to do is mop this stupid floor on my hands and knees. Let's hope it stays clean longer than a day.

Wow.... that's a lot about nothing.

Enjoy your family this week!

Pushing the limit

Super impressed with how my summer projects turned out. My garden produced more than I could have imagined. I am already planning next years.

Since my last post on here my new work merged with my old. Or rather old with new. Its been an exciting time going through the changes. Busy but exciting. Its only been a few months and things are starting to settle down. I imagine in 3 more months it will work like a well oiled machine. Its exciting to work for such a big practice and be on the cutting edge of office care in our area.

I have always struggled with my weight. A little over 10 years ago I dropped a bunch of weight and was at my ideal place. There were however a few problems with that. The first problem was I lost so much weight by the aid of epinephrine. I was at a point that I couldn't take any more than I already was without serious health issues. Also I watched a loved one become addicted to it and I didn't want that to be me. So I slowly weaned myself off of it.

Another problem I had is one that I don't really talk much about and its only because no one reads this that I am going to now. I have been shy and insecure my whole life. Once I lost weight people started to notice me.  All of a sudden people that normally would not speak to me suddenly would. When I was heavier I could be standing in a group and if someone started talking to that group they would talk to the skinny one of the group. At first I didn't really notice but as it happened more and more I thought about how I react in similar situations. I usually direct my attention to the slimmer person. Probably because we assume the skinnier person is healthier and therefore smarter. As well as more out going. Complete crap I know but just an observation.

As a shy and insecure person the attention made me uncomfortable.

As I stopped the medication and changed to a stressful job at the time with long hours and a ton of responsibilities the weight started to creep back on. Before I knew what was happening I was at an all time high for me. It was easy for me not to pay attention to it. I was building a relationship with Jeff, jobs changed, school, and best of all people stopped noticing me.

Not all people mind you. It absolutely amazes me how grown men can be so stupid when it comes to women. I can't even tell you how many times a married man that we know will say to me something along the lines of if anything ever happens to his wife he'd take good care of me. Like old men. Then there are the ones that like to assume they can just throw out a random offer for sex and I would happily jump on that. Its almost comical the things I hear. News flash.... I'm not interested in a random roll in the hay that will probably be way more fun for you than me. Try acting interested in anything about me and maybe I might not be so offended. Most  girls aren't looking for someone to screw them with your to old, out of shape member that probably can't perform as well as you think it can. We want a partner. Someone that celebrates with us and understands us. Not a quickie. Well that is another days topic.

Anyway.... where was I..... oh yeah. I got fat. Fast forward a few years of loosing and gaining the same 15 pounds and getting more and more unhealthy and here I am. About the end of august I had some blood work done. My cholesterol was through the roof, my blood pressure was high. I was depressed, prediabetic. And afraid. My dad died so young from self inflicted heart issues. My Mom has had heart issues. My family has a strong history of heart issues and diabetes and here I have been taking my life and health for granted.

The same day I saw a post on Facebook that a local personal trainer was offering a total body transformation. It included everything I was looking for to make a drastic change in my life. Right away I sent him a message and since then nothings been the same.

Admittedly the first month was just trying to get used to the new muscles I was using and food I was eating. Now I feel freaking amazing! My energy is through the roof, although I am still exhausted at night. My blood pressure has been better than normal. Depression feelings gone. Anxiety is non existent basically. I will be doing blood work in a couple of weeks to check cholesterol. Best thing is I have done this all drug free. I have done things I never even knew existed before or thought I could do. The first time Brian said I was going to do 125# on the leg press the only things running through my mind were what the hell is a leg press and dont you think that's a bit much weight. I have no idea what I am up to on that now but each time I do it I am smiling inside, patting myself on the back saying Wow you fucking Rock!!! Of course I am a bit more reserved in front of him. Sometimes I do cardio with his wife and I sprint up that stupid hill that feels like its miles long and I'm out of breath sweating like a whore in church but inside I'm giving myself a high-five. Every week he teaches me more and more about myself.

Friday morning he asked me if I wanted to participate in a dead lift challenge he was having at his gym for the humane society. Instantly I said no. I mean I have only dead lifted once in my life and I sure as heck didn't want to do it in front of other people.  Then I left and realized I did really want to do it. So I told him if I could find sponsors I would. Sure enough everyone I asked did so I was locked in.  Saturday came and after my workout it was time for the challenge. My stomach was full of butterflies but it wasn't because I was afraid of the lifting.....it was because I looked like shit and still feel so insecure in my own body. Goofy I know. Anyway I did it. The one time before the challenge I did the dead lift I did 95 pounds. For the challenge I did 175 pounds. Pretty impressed with myself. I'll attach a picture here. Super embarrassed by it. You know when your doing something like that you feel like you look like some strong super human goddess. Reality is you look like someone that is working on getting healthy who is lifting a really heavy bar off the ground. Still proud that I did it!

Actually I'm not embarrassed by my picture. A month ago I wouldn't even have let anyone talk me into it. I am so proud that I have come this far. I dont know what my total so far is but I do know when I went to try on jeans today I was down 4 sizes! That's amazing.

All I can say is stay tuned!

This and that

Its been a while since I have posted anything on here. Not because I haven't been doing anything but because I have been so busy. My garden is beautiful. I have peppers. Actual peppers (pic to follow). Everything has blossoms on it which I can only assume means it will produce.  We have already eaten lettuce and radishes.

My flowers are slow to follow the vegetable garden but they are coming along. I still have work to do on this area. My hope is that the hard work this year will pay off in years to come as I have planted many perennials. 

I have a mini vacation going on right now and originally told Kevin and Liana we were going to go away for a couple of days. Unfortunately money is so tight right now we were unable to. Kevin went to help my parents so I loaded Liana and a bunch of things in the van and headed to the Almond damn. I pitched the tent all by myself.  My attempt to start a fire was comical due to recent rain. Liana was able to get it going and we made campfire nachos. We did have to call in backup wood as we didn't bring enough. Happily Kevin showed up. It was a simple trip but fun.

Last night Liana wanted fajitas for dinner. We had some venison steaks in the freezer so I threw some seasonings together and low and behold they were awesome. Normally I shy away from experimenting with the venison because they hunters in this house take it very serious and love the steaks. Everyone begged me to make these again.

This morning I decided to put a pork roast in crock and make some pulled pork sandwiches.  We always use the same recipe for sauce and I decided to try my hand at something different.  At first it was a little off but after a little tweaking its great! 

These all seem like simple things but 5 or so years ago I didn't dare try anything new for fear of failure or belittling. I am so proud of myself and this gives me confidence to try other things.  Still have not done the hems on my work pants but I will.

Where the sidewalk ends

I haven't had much interesting to say. Its because I have been soooo busy with the stupid sidewalk project. Who knew it would end up being such a big undertaking. I have been having fun doing it. Its kind of like digging up a surprise each time I free the concrete slab from all of the crud that's been hiding it for years. Today I just feel frustrated because it has rained during the night and a large pile of water has pooled at the first sidewalk. It makes me think I have done this work for nothing and it will cause the same problem leading to endless work to keep it looking nice.  So I think I will look into how to fix the problem. Maybe add a ditch or something.

Anyway here are some before and after pics. I am a little more than half way done. With the forecast for the next few days its on hold. The good news is my gardens need the rain and the laundry has been neglected.

Off to the dentist :)

Bye for now

Pondering

It occurred to me today that a lot of people assume I don't know a lot. Really I mean that just like it sounds. Then I thought perhaps its the way I allow them to feel. Recently when I started a new job I felt like some of the staff that was there before me felt less than optimistic about my arrival than I did. So sometimes to try to fit in with them I would ask them questions to things I might already have known the answer to. Or certain topics might come up that they disagreed with me on and rather than argue the point I might say flippantly oh what would I know, I've only been a nurse for a couple of years. In fact I did know but I wasn't going to argue and make these new coworkers dislike me even more. The end result being of course they still have little confidence in me LOL. They probably don't know that I am passionate about this job and I read and research everything I can get my hands on. They probably have no idea that I have a whole lot of experience that I bring to the table from my life before a nurse that makes me good at what I do.</p>
<p dir=ltr>This whole ramble has nothing to do with my current job or coworkers. I simply added that as an example. </p>
<p dir=ltr>The truth is I do this with everyone. Even Jeff. I just basically allow people to assume I have little to bring to the table because its easier that way. The problem is I do know things but somewhere along the way I stopped believing I do. At any given time I can hear a conversation or be part of one and I will know something about what they are talking about or researching or whatever and I will think the appropriate response but not feel confident enough to let on that I know. </p>
<p dir=ltr>That's dumb!</p>
<p dir=ltr>That's actually one of the most absurd things I have ever heard yet that's what I do.</p>
<p dir=ltr>So when I say on here that I am going to try (or do) new things its basically to prove to myself and others (I suppose) that I am capable of doing more in life than laundry and blood pressures. </p>
<p dir=ltr> Its about reminding myself that I still want to be part of something bigger out of life and I am more than capable.  I used to know I was "The Shit". Somewhere between my divorce and loosing my job I forgot I was.  To some this may seem like a silly little thing but to me its everything.

*** again I would like to say this post has absolutely nothing to do with my current job. I work for and with some Awesome people who are the top in the industry and I am so proud to be part of their bigger movement. This simply has to do with me personally and I referenced my employment as an example only

Blisters, sunburn & growth

What a wonderful weekend. I was sad to see my pumpkins did not make it. The problem (I think) is I started them inside then transplanted them.

I started right out Saturday digging my new flowerbed. The dirt there has never been worked as far as I know. Its on the side of the house and as I dug and prepared the dirt I found it had a ton of clay, not to mention rusty nails (probably from redoing the porch), broken glass, rocks and the random broken piece of matchbox cars. As I sat there breaking clumps of dirt and clay I couldn't help but imagine Jeffrey as a little boy driving his cars on the porch railings when they visited his grandparents. Probably dropping one or leaving it there to be swept away by wind and left to rust in the dirt until I found it yesterday. Probably a little far fetched but it made me smile to imagine him doing so.

All day I worked there with the sun beating down on my back. Digging and plucking, pushing and pulling until finally it was ready. I had 4 flower plants left over from my flowerbed in the front and I planted them. Then I took random seeds I bought and scattered them in random places. Crossing my fingers something grows.

I worked so hard on that thing. When I was finished I had a nice big blister that had popped and filled with dirt. I had dirt on my face, caked under my nails (which incidently is WAY outside of my comfort zone) but I did it. I still need to figure out what I am going to edge it with but its mostly finished.

I also planted additional pepper plants, edged more of the front side walk and all kinds of random tasks like rescue Kevin when he ran out of gas, having the vehicle towed back to the house, sending Liana off on an all day ride with Jeff and on and on.

Tonight for dinner we were having venison steaks. I wanted something different to go with it. I cooked up some shells. Sliced brussel sprouts. Brushed with oil, added some seasonings and roasted them on the grill. When they were finished I coated the shells with grape seed oil, parm cheese and added brusselsprouts. Then squeezed half a lemon over it all. It was wonderful!

This weekend I have tried more new things than I could have imagined possible for a 48 hour period.

Expecting different results

Last night I mentioned that I had forgotten to secure the black tarp after half of it blew off. Tonight when I got home the remaining half blew off... brilliant I know.

Today was late start Thursday which means I didnt have to be at work until 11. So I worked a little on the front yard then went to work. Late start Thursday means late end Thursday.  I barely made it home by 8 and by the time I got outside it was almost dark so all I really did was work a little soil in what is going to be my new flowerbed.  I feel a little disappointed I wasn't able to get more accomplished.

Someone asked me today what my blog was about. The truth is I have no idea. I am a shy person (hard to believe I know)  but I really am. I usually don't do things that I am not already sure how the outcome is and let's face it I have gotten kind of bored lately. When the kids go to their dads or are off with their friends I have to have something interesting to do. So I have decided to try something new each week. My boss told me today this might be a little aggressive but I think its manageable. Basically the things I start are going to need follow through or something and I consider that new as well. For example the garden. All new. Preparing, planting and growing are all new to me. So I could have several weeks worth of new things just in the garden.

Who knows maybe I will only keep it up for a bit but for now I am committed to growing and learning.

I am shooting in the dark with most of this so I welcome any suggestions or feedback.

The sky is the limit. If I can imagine it and afford it I think I will give it a try.

For tonight I am going to take my allergy filled self and try to hit the hay without coughing my head off all night.

Squirrel

Today was my first day back at work after an extra long weekend. It was nice to be back in my normal routine and I stayed busy all day. It rained off and on all day so I kept running ideas over in my head of what project I could work on this evening deciding finally on the ever dreaded housework. That's actually a goal for later in the year, to learn a way to like housework however tonight I wanted to dig.

Luckily for me after dinner the rain stopped. I went out to check my beautiful garden only to find out half of my landscaping tarp had blown off. I held it in place with rocks when I initially placed it intending to go later to secure it in a more stable fashion. Then the rain started.

I tried (half-assed) to put it back into place but I wasn't able to line it back up correctly so I wadded the mess up and said to heck with it I will just weed half of it. As I sit here typing I realize I did not secure the other half because you see I have this little problem of getting distracted. As I stowed the black heap I realized a flat of flowers were still waiting to be planted out front. So I went to check on them and started weeding the existing flower bed. The flowerbed that has been neglected for years....

That of course led me to weed around  the side of the house to where I was struck by the idea of putting a new flowerbed.

Remembering the existing flowerbed I wandered back out to resume weeding. I discovered three well rooted trees about 4 1/2 feet tall.  It was hot and muggy and sweat was pouring off of me but I managed to dig those f***ERS out while still wearing flipflops.

Although I was pretty proud of myself my attention quickly shifted to the sidewalk. I worked until it was to dark to see on 1 piece of that stupid sidewalk.

Point of all of this rambling....

1- I should have secures the tarp

2- I probably would have gotten more done if I would have planned and / or made a list

3- neglect over the years have created much more work for me now. Well neglect or half assed  work or new projects.

4- I am having a ton of fun working on these new things.

Rainy day project

Today in Western NY its raining on my last day of vacation so I can't work on my flower garden.

I did a little research last night and found out that tomatoes need calcium to help them grow. Apparently you can take eggshells, wash them up, crush them and put them at the base of the plants to help grow.

So I made eggs for the kiddos this morning. Washed the eggs and crushed them up.  When the rain stops I will put them by the plants and see what happens.

Breaking Ground

This weekend I decided to plant a garden.  Growing up we had a garden and when I was married we had a garden. In both cases I had little to do with it. I planted a couple of things a few years back but after they were planted I got bored or to critiqued and let it go.

See I have this problem when people imply I might not know what I am doing or that I am not doing it good enough I usually stop doing it.

Not any more!

The new me is trying all kinds of things. Hopefully some of them work.

Yesterday I decided to plant and expand my garden.  I had the neighbor come over and till up a new spot and spent the day picking sod, rocks and raking.

Today Liana and I went and bought plants and seeds.  Came home and laid the black tarp stuff that prevents weeds and got to work planting. 

Although I was interrupted a million times and people said I planted to close together I finished.

Cross your fingers it grows :)