I'm tired of having a simple conversation with someone then opening my phone to see an add of something we talked about. I'm tired of social media I continue to maintain just to have the memories of my loved ones who have passed pop up and to see whats going on in the kids lives, censor things and decide what I should and should not see. Im tired of hearing everyone, everywhere bitch and moan about every single thing. About how if people think differently they are terrible. I am tired of hearing judgmental commentary from every news outlet, coworkers, family, random strangers at the grocery store. I am tired of hearing over and over everywhere you go about how terrible everyone and everything is.
I am tired of feeling like shit. Tired of getting a little hope from a healthcare provider only never to get a call back. I am tired of explaining my symptoms over and over only to get no where. Im tired of paying extreemly high copays to get nowhere. I'm tired of being told to take an antidepressant, its my age, my weight, I just need to "do it." That our friends don't want to invite us places because I never "want" to go. I am tired of feeling like a couple of days in a row that are good set me back 2 days. Im sick of my house being cluttered because I'm to exhausted to give a fuck.
Mostly though I'm tired of my lost potential. You see I believed I was going somewhere, doing something important with my life. This wasn't my peak. Now when I think of where things are I no longer feel I have that potential. Im old news, washed up. How did this happen so fast? Is it simply the remnants of the COVID infection I had? How is it some people have long term effects and others don't? Is it the other health issues I have going on? Who knows. I cant get a healthcare provider that will listen or follow through.
So what am I going to do about it? Doing what I've always done isn't working. So I'm going to transition to a plant based diet, I am going to try every alternative treatment I can find. I am going to find my new potential since I've run this one out. This is going to sound goofy since I am a nurse currently practicing, however I have lost all faith in the Healthcare system. It has become a business and those of us who remain that consider it a deeper passion are being phased out. We aren't welcome any more. So I'm on a new journey, one where I can still have potential, where the effort will be welcome and I can still have a positive impact on mankind. I am not going to let this be my peak. I have two little girls who need their Grandma to be more and have more to offer. Idk if that means a new career, a new address or something else but I refuse to give up until I feel better! There has got to be more than this.
