I've been very nostalgic today. I had the day off of work and decided to spend it sorting and reorganizing my closet. I came across lots of old art projects from the kids and different things that brought back memories.
Midway through my day I had to go to a doctors apt. I really didn't tell anyone in my family about it because I didn't want to worry them & I already knew the results if my stress test. I am glad I went. My mind is at ease now & I have a clear understanding if my cardiac status & how to move forward. For the first time in months I feel as if my fate might actually be different than both of my parents.
After my apt I sent Kevin & Liana the same messages I do every day about that time, asking where they are & what they are doing. Liana was quick to respond but Kevin didn't for about half an hour. When he finally did he said he was sorry he was with the recruiter for the past 2 1/2 hours. I knew he was going but didn't expect to hear that he is scheduled for MEPS the first week in August. OK I mean I know its going to eventually happen and he will be leaving me for the United States Marines however its just happening so fast. My Mom (& every other adult I ever knew) said this would happen. They warned me that when I was complaining about the terrible two's I would blink & they would be gone. That one day I would realize that was the most magical time.
Then Liana sent me a message which I can't even remember what it was now, but it made me remember when she was younger & was afraid to go upstairs by herself. How everything in her life I was a part of. Now I'm lucky if I get 5 minutes a day with her & if those 5 minutes she isn't in her phone or something. I'm loosing all of these kids to the real world & I don't want to just yet. When Kevin told me about his August date I felt almost a panic. All I can think of is the summer I sent him on a 10 day camping trip to the Adirondack Mnts. While he had great adventures, he clung to me so tight when I picked him up. For the next week he was like my little side kick, actually wanting to spend time with me. I Invision him that little boy who will go and miss his mom but is stuck. I envision all of the stuff they will put him through and I can't help him.
He will be fine.....its me that might not make it through.
Then one by one all three of my children have needed something from me today I have been unable to give. I am going to bed wondering if they even know I exist outside of being a checkbook, deliverer of forgotten things, doormat when they are pissy..... It helps sooth the hurting heart when I'm angry though so I'm going with that and the realization that one day I'll probably look back on these days and wish for them back.
