Its raining its pouring

Its raining it's pouring & technically the old man IS snoring. Not that I could fall asleep right now if I wanted to. I've been sitting here contemplating my next move. You see everything has changed. I've shared that its been a shitty year & nothing had changed there. In addition to the crap I've already shared much more has happened. My mom died. Just as quick and blunt as that sentence. No warning, no chance to tell her good by she just died. At first there was no real time to deal with it. Everything happened so fast & you just kind of go through whatever preprogrammed steps there are. You show up. You pick this out you decide about that. You console everyone else. You just do whatever you do. Then it's a mad rush to get things back to normal. You go back to work & school. You do the laundry but you find yourself staring off into space thinking of nothing and not really being present for much.

In my case I rushed right into writing my final paper for sociology, or trying to. Its actually still not done. Then I got sick. The there was Jeff's party.

As any family with so many children there has been the usual drama. This one is mad about this. That one is angry at so & so. This one (& that one) refuse to pay anything & also is being a giant asshole.

Without going into details here, a series of events happened that I actually look at & shake my head. I have worked very hard to get myself financially OK in the last few years. It has been one thing after another & I finally had a little bit of money set aside for my school this semester, Kevin's graduation & what ever emergencies came up. Needless to say I will not be going to school this semester, and if anything breaks around here we are screwed. Add to that the fact that I read the same two pages six times and still have no report, I've got a kid who doesn't believe in himself & is trying to give me an ulcer getting him through his senior year. Throwing up, dust bunnies & we had a party. Another child that is sick. And the crazy train that stops by every so often. Jeff does this party every year. Between the stress of my paper, getting the house ready & not feeling totally connected I wasn't doing anything other than going through the motions. Bahm out of left field things change again.

I'm to freaking old for this crap. I just wanna happy quiet life. I don't ask for much. Someplace I belong and loved, respect, nothing crazy. It is apparently to much to ask for. I have spent the last two years working on becoming the best version of me & I can not let that work be undone. Perhaps I need to just take the kids and move into a quiet little shack someplace in the middle of nowhere & live peacefully. Its a shame that a few bad apples have been allowed to put me emotionally & financially in a deficit. I hope they can live with the consequences of their actions.

Oh if anyone has a shack I can move into please pet me know. Preferably in the Canisteo area but will settle for just about anything really. And must accept SAM.

On the edge

I was so proud of myself today. I woke up and had my positive outlook back. It's been a hell of a year and it seems like everyday something has gone wrong. Even if it's something minor something has happened. Last week I kind of felt like it all came to a head. I took the weekend to reevaluate and felt positive I had it all in perspective today. I went to work where I feel as if I worked hard and was looking so forward to getting to the gym after then home for dinner & homework.

When I walked in the door (later than planned), I was greeted by a mountain of laundry that was literally piled higher than the washer. Where did all of this come from? It's not as if I didn't spend my entire weekend doing laundry yet here is this pile. I decided to change out of my work clothes before I tackled it & saw Jeff. Who is still sick & told me when he got home the house was about 40° because the heater went out. Kevin hasn't had dinner yet, who knows where Liana is. As I climb the stairs my phone dings indicating I have a message. My Mom tells me how my Aunt Barb died. She apparently went to get the mail, fell & froze to death.

That is the point I lost my shit.

My heart is hurting so much thinking of this. I can't imagine how my cousins are feeling. I can't wrap my head around this. I came downstairs to at least start the laundry & as I started filling it up the water came out all dirty & gritty. Based on that & the fact that water is coming out in spurts in the rest of the house leads me to believe there might be a main break somewhere in town. 

Really none of the other bullshit in life matters. What matters is my loved ones. It matters that Jeff is feeling so sick. It matters that Sam seems to know my emotions & reacts accordingly. It matters that Kevin saw me crying & gave me a hug & spends time joking around with me while I'm finally getting him dinner at 8:30 at night. It matters that Liana & Brandon are doing math homework at the kitchen table (now that I've located her). It matters that tomorrow I celebrate 10 years with my very best friend. I don't give a shit what else is happening.

Thinking out loud

I am sitting here trying to get the motivation to get out of bed. Its freezing outside & honestly I've been in a pretty bad mood for the last few days. It started over something innocent or at least I thought it was. Someone made a comment about one of my children & the Mamma Bear in me was awakened. You know that initial reaction you get where you feel the hairs in the back of your neck rise & your senses become aware of more around you. I've always been kind of a bitch where my kids are concerned. By that I mean if they do something wrong I hold them accountable. I'm not one of these people that makes excuses for them or blames it on someone else. For example: one of my children had walked to the store a while back. A truck full of his friends pulled up & he was chatting with them. The driver of the truck asked him to take his money in to pay for gas since he was going in. For whatever reason the pump did not shut off and the kid went over. As the kids were talking the clerk came out yelling at my son that they were going to call the cops if they didn't pay the extra. The driver said it was the clerks fault & drove away. My son was left there to deal with the clerk. When he came home & told me about it I made him march right back down there and pay the remaining amount. Was it his fault the clerk didn't set the pump to stop, no. Was it his fault the friend didn't pay attention & stop the pump? Maybe he was talking to him, could have distracted him. The bottom line was he chose to accept the task of paying for the gas, he chose to hang out with these people. He was the person the clerk thought was responsible.
Anyway my point of that ramble is that I will always hold my kids accountable. I don't over inflate their egos. I give praise or correction when needed.
So anyway my senses were keen & I was listening taking in what was happening. When I got home that evening & was talking to my child the situation became more clear. There comes a point when your Mamma Bear senses are activated that you have to transition from the hair on the back of your neck being risen to giving a warning growl. At that point either the predator either takes a step back or a step forward. The next reaction is generally entirely based on that. You see for me that warning growl doesn't come without much investigation into the situation. So to get the growl I've got to know a million percent that your sights are set in my cub. Then if that is true and the growl produces a step forward watch out. This Mamma Bear will be on her hind legs, teeth bared and gnarling, claws up & ready to tear whatever the threat is.
Or at least that's what the feelings inside are. So I've got this angry Mamma Bear thing going on & I've been trying to resolve an insurance issue for my daughter as well at the same time. The ex supposedly carries it since about November. I took her to the doctor (my place of employment I might add) & they tell me the insurance is not working. I call the ex he says he will see what's wrong. I get a message from him saying its fixed. The doctors office tries to resubmit and again saying not active. I tell him & he says he will see what's wrong. Again I get a message from him saying its fixed they can resubmit on Friday. Again they try and nothing. I go to the pharmacy to get her medication & they say the same thing. Again I tell him not working. I get a message from his wife saying she spoke to the insurance coordinator at his work & Liana is listed as active on their list. She tells me she will print off the thing and bring it to me that the office needs to call Excellus and see what they are doing wrong.
OK so this is where I take a moment to stop & catch my breath & reevaluate the situation because my teeth are already chomping, ready to take out a jugular. Clearly the doctor office, who sees hundreds of patients a day is not submitting the bill incorrectly. Clearly trying to get these two yahoos to get anything fixed is not working. In the meantime my place of employment has not been paid for a service they provided to my family. I am embarrassed to say the least. Not that they said anything, quite the contrary they were being very helpful in trying to sort it out however back to that whole being accountable thing I felt embarrassed.
On the back of the insurance card is a customer service number so during my lunch I called it. Apparently my ex husband does have a dependant listed on his insurance. In fact its my daughter name however with the wrong date of birth. The lady told me the employer group would need to resubmit as it was incorrect when it came over. I told the new wife that. She told me she again contacted the benefit person at Eric's work and they said it was fixed. Then in the evening I got another message from the ex saying it was fixed.
So I drive to Wegmans again to get her medication and again its denied saying no coverage. I sent the ex a message saying not working. Tell the pharmacy tech what happened when I called so she called the insurance company. They confirmed no change had been submitted yet. As I'm sitting at Wegmans waiting for this all to pan out I start getting text messages from the ex. They start with he's going to have me charged for talking with the insurance company because they shouldn't have spoken to me. He's going to get me fired from my job. I'm a terrible person who is messing up the kids lives. On and on and on. From 5:00 last night until 8:45 message after message about how I suck at life. I asked him to stop messaging me. I could not turn my phone off as Kevin was not home yet.
So here I am in Mamma Bear mode, embarrassed by this new situation suddenly feeling like I'm scumb of the earth. See I'm not sure what it is about my ex. I know he is pretty much useless & has spent the last several years of his life doing more harm than good & I would think if he told you the sun was shinning you'd better go check for yourself, but when he does this & tells me I'm shit I believe him. Why is it so easy for me to let that happen? The truth is I might be screwing these kids up but I haven't seen an ounce of help from him to change the situation. I'm the one that's here. I'm the one that is making sure the kids have what they need, taking them to the doctor, getting their medication, making sure I know where they are and what they are doing, holding them accountable for their actions. I'm the one that is working full time & going to school full time but take a whole Saturday to sit on the bleachers to support my daughter doing something she is so passionate about. Going to a basketball game when I've been sick and just want to go to bed. Scrounge around the house to find enough change for something they need. I might be making mistakes but I'm doing the very best I can.
I was finally able to get the harassment to stop by sending him a message saying his number had been blocked. My fear was if I had blocked him he would have turned his craziness toward the kids.
I wish I were the type of person that could turn a blind eye to this sort of thing. The type of person that could teach my kids to say to heck with it. If someone wronged them they didn't have to be nice to them or go out of their way to help them but I'm not. I'm the type of person that believes you should be kind & you are not responsible to get even with anyone else. And unfortunately I'm the type of person that will lay awake all night and analyze every decision and choice I've made over the last 23 years to see where I've screwed up & why I suck at life. Its funny how it takes one night of BS from someone you thought you were done with when you signed the divorce papers to undo all of the hard work you thought you had done to fix yourself. Yet here I am the same sad person who questions every move.
Honestly I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of having to fight for everything whether its health insurance, or keeping a running vehicle I'm just tired. I need something to give here. I'm not saying I'm ready to throw in the towel or anything like that. I'm simply saying that I'm ready for my focus and attention to be directed towards something more positive.

All sides considered

I am amazed by the outpouring of support I have gotten in the last few days. I know I have a great support system & know those that I can count on in every day situations. What surprised me has been the complete and total support from people that I never considered. In case you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about I will fill you in on a few situations. I can't, at this point, give many details so forgive me for being vague. Starting in New Years Eve my family (or members of it) have been deeply impacted by situations. Either because people close to them were involved in situations or because of situations they have found themselves in. None of them are good.

Much as I suspected all of the situations have resulted in the public trial of many people, often times with misinformation and people hearing part of the story then inflating it for their own telling and before you know it they are all out of control. People I would normally consider educated, level headed people have been posting things on Facebook that make me question their sanity. As information became available to me Friday on a situation directly involving my family members I was outraged at the information on Facebook. For a moment I wanted to set the record straight then realized everything is on video & we are honest people who go out of our way to help people & the truth will come out.

The outpouring of love & support has made me realize how lucky I am to be surrounded by such people. I kind of expect that sort of support from people I have known for years. My family, a few close friends. What I didn't expect were those fairly new relationships. Those that I've only known a handful of years. The phone calls and messages telling me they know my kids and know what was being said could not be true, those that said they know I'm a good mom, those that said they love us all and whatever happens they are here with us. Its just been amazing. And not the fluff kind of support that people give automatically because its expected, kind of like when you ask someone how are you & they automatically say good even though its the worst day of their lives. The deep, true compassion that is genuine.

Besides realizing how wonderful the people in my life are I also realized there are three sides to everything. Yours, theirs & the truth. It takes a bad situation (or in this case one everyday since the new year), to bring out everyone's true colors. Quickly people either toss stone's from their glass house, or jump up on their high horse, but also quickly people are there with open arms and encouragement. I prefer to stick with the latter. They seem a little more real & long term. Forgive me for ever being anything other than genuine and kind.

Should you find yourself reading this and you think you may know something or are curious just ask me (via private message) & I will happily tell you.

Here's to a peaceful rest of 2015

Take two (or rather twenty)

Well I've been working hard for over a year to get healthy. I've made some huge changes like dropping over fifty pounds, getting my health in check, finding my confidence, basically trying to become the best version of me. Along the way I have had some minor set backs and have had to start over several times. The last few weeks I find myself at that place where I need to start over again. It pisses me off in all honesty. I know better yet here I am eating crap and lots of it.

I know I can't undo what I've done so I guess I can only try to learn from this and move on. There is no really reason why I'm here again. Mentally I feel better than I have in a long time. For some reason I felt as if I needed to celebrate my birthday. I had lots of "junk" in celebration of my turning 40. Then I just had to eat all of the stuff patients brought in. Here I am 4 pounds up and feeling like crap.

So here I am again reevaluating and restarting. I just need to remind myself that the little tastes and bites really don't taste that good and considering how it makes feel its so not worth it. So if I see you over the next few weeks and I decline your offering of goodies please don't be offended. This is not just a fad I'm going through but my life.

Maybe one of these times I'll get it right.

Shanken not stirred

I don't scare easily. Well I suppose I do at like scary movies and spiders, the usual startling things, but not the rattle your bones and make your stomach drop to your toes kind of scared. Tonight my blood ran cold.

About a week ago our dryer stopped working & since it falls on the heels of me hitting a deer & Kevin hitting a deer & Jamie's car breaking down & on & on & on, I am temporarily having to use the laundry mat to dry clothes. I wash up a bunch then take them down to dry. I was doing just that a short time ago & found I had no cash in hand. So I parked my car & walked around the corner to the ATM on Main St. I debated about going to the ATM at the Acorn however I have leggings & a sweater on & was to hot with my boots on so I stuck my sneakers on and just didn't bother changing. I look dumb & just didn't want anyone to see me. I figured no one would recognise me walking to the ATM downtown.

Anyway I parked my car and went to get cash. I just took my money & was grabbing my card when I heard something behind me. This young kid, maybe Liana's age or a little older, came walking up to me. No really a walk but not a run either, quick like. I jumped & said "you scared the shit out of me." He looked behind him & said "just give me the money." Before I even had a second to think I asked him if $20 was worth getting shot over.

That's when I felt my stomach drop. He looked right in my eyes and ran off down the road. I am not carrying a gun, do not own a gun, do not have a pistol permit. It was just a natural response. Truthfully if the kid needed money I'd have given it to him. In fact I am far more likely to do that then ever actually shoot someone. But it scared me.

I left and went back to my car and put my clothes in the dryers. The whole time I couldn't shake that feeling. Even now, after I'm home I'm still shaken. I always walk after dark, leave my cars unlocked, keys in it, heck half the time I leave the house unlocked because Liana will forget her keys and I worry she won't be able to get in. I live in this community because I like being able to do those things. Not any more.

This was just a kid. Who knows how it would have turned out if I hadn't turned at that exact moment or if I would have not said that. I do know there is a good chance I will see this kid again. He had a Canisteo-Greenwood sweatshirt on. I will, without a doubt recognise him. I wonder if he will recognise me.

Maybe it is time to get my pistol permit or at the very least become more aware of my surroundings.

Ok maybe this will help

I've had psoriasis for as long as I can remember. Some years I was clear some years not. It bothered my psychologically but never physically until now. Just over a month ago I experienced the worst outbreak of my life. Up until that time I had never had the itch. That is no longer the case. Out of deaspiration I went to the dermatologist & agreed to try a medication the suppresses the immunosystem. That ended badly and I sought a different dermatologist. I continue to take the medication along with a cream and I am miserable!

I take the med on Monday mornings. By Tuesday afternoon I get a few spots that Itch. By Wednesday night I am miserable. Its not an itch like when you get a mosquito bite. It's like an itch coming from the inside out. No matter how hard you try you just can't "reach" it so you constantly scratch until it hurts. No matter how hard you try to resist the urge to scratch you can't. Focusing on anything else is useless as eventually the  insistent itch takes over every other thought. Thursday morning I wake to hot, inflamed skin that hurts and feels as if it will stretch right off my body. Oh and still itchy.

I've tried everything known to help, aloe, oatmeal, vitamins, creams, lotions, foods, drinks..... Nothing stops this process.

I am at the end of my rope here with this. I can not take one more minute of this process. I'm defeated and feel hopeless about this situation so I thought I'd open up to others. Maybe someone knows of something or someone that has gotten relief that I haven't tried. Or knows of a practitioner that isn't just trying the same steroidal creams and medications. Basically at this point I'm willing to try just about anything.   

To date I have tried evey cream & lotion available with & without a script, methotrexate, acupuncture, massage therapy, light therapy, lots & lots of home remedies that would amaze most. I'm literally desperate here :(