Its raining it's pouring & technically the old man IS snoring. Not that I could fall asleep right now if I wanted to. I've been sitting here contemplating my next move. You see everything has changed. I've shared that its been a shitty year & nothing had changed there. In addition to the crap I've already shared much more has happened. My mom died. Just as quick and blunt as that sentence. No warning, no chance to tell her good by she just died. At first there was no real time to deal with it. Everything happened so fast & you just kind of go through whatever preprogrammed steps there are. You show up. You pick this out you decide about that. You console everyone else. You just do whatever you do. Then it's a mad rush to get things back to normal. You go back to work & school. You do the laundry but you find yourself staring off into space thinking of nothing and not really being present for much.
In my case I rushed right into writing my final paper for sociology, or trying to. Its actually still not done. Then I got sick. The there was Jeff's party.
As any family with so many children there has been the usual drama. This one is mad about this. That one is angry at so & so. This one (& that one) refuse to pay anything & also is being a giant asshole.
Without going into details here, a series of events happened that I actually look at & shake my head. I have worked very hard to get myself financially OK in the last few years. It has been one thing after another & I finally had a little bit of money set aside for my school this semester, Kevin's graduation & what ever emergencies came up. Needless to say I will not be going to school this semester, and if anything breaks around here we are screwed. Add to that the fact that I read the same two pages six times and still have no report, I've got a kid who doesn't believe in himself & is trying to give me an ulcer getting him through his senior year. Throwing up, dust bunnies & we had a party. Another child that is sick. And the crazy train that stops by every so often. Jeff does this party every year. Between the stress of my paper, getting the house ready & not feeling totally connected I wasn't doing anything other than going through the motions. Bahm out of left field things change again.
I'm to freaking old for this crap. I just wanna happy quiet life. I don't ask for much. Someplace I belong and loved, respect, nothing crazy. It is apparently to much to ask for. I have spent the last two years working on becoming the best version of me & I can not let that work be undone. Perhaps I need to just take the kids and move into a quiet little shack someplace in the middle of nowhere & live peacefully. Its a shame that a few bad apples have been allowed to put me emotionally & financially in a deficit. I hope they can live with the consequences of their actions.
Oh if anyone has a shack I can move into please pet me know. Preferably in the Canisteo area but will settle for just about anything really. And must accept SAM.
