Thinking out loud

I am sitting here trying to get the motivation to get out of bed. Its freezing outside & honestly I've been in a pretty bad mood for the last few days. It started over something innocent or at least I thought it was. Someone made a comment about one of my children & the Mamma Bear in me was awakened. You know that initial reaction you get where you feel the hairs in the back of your neck rise & your senses become aware of more around you. I've always been kind of a bitch where my kids are concerned. By that I mean if they do something wrong I hold them accountable. I'm not one of these people that makes excuses for them or blames it on someone else. For example: one of my children had walked to the store a while back. A truck full of his friends pulled up & he was chatting with them. The driver of the truck asked him to take his money in to pay for gas since he was going in. For whatever reason the pump did not shut off and the kid went over. As the kids were talking the clerk came out yelling at my son that they were going to call the cops if they didn't pay the extra. The driver said it was the clerks fault & drove away. My son was left there to deal with the clerk. When he came home & told me about it I made him march right back down there and pay the remaining amount. Was it his fault the clerk didn't set the pump to stop, no. Was it his fault the friend didn't pay attention & stop the pump? Maybe he was talking to him, could have distracted him. The bottom line was he chose to accept the task of paying for the gas, he chose to hang out with these people. He was the person the clerk thought was responsible.
Anyway my point of that ramble is that I will always hold my kids accountable. I don't over inflate their egos. I give praise or correction when needed.
So anyway my senses were keen & I was listening taking in what was happening. When I got home that evening & was talking to my child the situation became more clear. There comes a point when your Mamma Bear senses are activated that you have to transition from the hair on the back of your neck being risen to giving a warning growl. At that point either the predator either takes a step back or a step forward. The next reaction is generally entirely based on that. You see for me that warning growl doesn't come without much investigation into the situation. So to get the growl I've got to know a million percent that your sights are set in my cub. Then if that is true and the growl produces a step forward watch out. This Mamma Bear will be on her hind legs, teeth bared and gnarling, claws up & ready to tear whatever the threat is.
Or at least that's what the feelings inside are. So I've got this angry Mamma Bear thing going on & I've been trying to resolve an insurance issue for my daughter as well at the same time. The ex supposedly carries it since about November. I took her to the doctor (my place of employment I might add) & they tell me the insurance is not working. I call the ex he says he will see what's wrong. I get a message from him saying its fixed. The doctors office tries to resubmit and again saying not active. I tell him & he says he will see what's wrong. Again I get a message from him saying its fixed they can resubmit on Friday. Again they try and nothing. I go to the pharmacy to get her medication & they say the same thing. Again I tell him not working. I get a message from his wife saying she spoke to the insurance coordinator at his work & Liana is listed as active on their list. She tells me she will print off the thing and bring it to me that the office needs to call Excellus and see what they are doing wrong.
OK so this is where I take a moment to stop & catch my breath & reevaluate the situation because my teeth are already chomping, ready to take out a jugular. Clearly the doctor office, who sees hundreds of patients a day is not submitting the bill incorrectly. Clearly trying to get these two yahoos to get anything fixed is not working. In the meantime my place of employment has not been paid for a service they provided to my family. I am embarrassed to say the least. Not that they said anything, quite the contrary they were being very helpful in trying to sort it out however back to that whole being accountable thing I felt embarrassed.
On the back of the insurance card is a customer service number so during my lunch I called it. Apparently my ex husband does have a dependant listed on his insurance. In fact its my daughter name however with the wrong date of birth. The lady told me the employer group would need to resubmit as it was incorrect when it came over. I told the new wife that. She told me she again contacted the benefit person at Eric's work and they said it was fixed. Then in the evening I got another message from the ex saying it was fixed.
So I drive to Wegmans again to get her medication and again its denied saying no coverage. I sent the ex a message saying not working. Tell the pharmacy tech what happened when I called so she called the insurance company. They confirmed no change had been submitted yet. As I'm sitting at Wegmans waiting for this all to pan out I start getting text messages from the ex. They start with he's going to have me charged for talking with the insurance company because they shouldn't have spoken to me. He's going to get me fired from my job. I'm a terrible person who is messing up the kids lives. On and on and on. From 5:00 last night until 8:45 message after message about how I suck at life. I asked him to stop messaging me. I could not turn my phone off as Kevin was not home yet.
So here I am in Mamma Bear mode, embarrassed by this new situation suddenly feeling like I'm scumb of the earth. See I'm not sure what it is about my ex. I know he is pretty much useless & has spent the last several years of his life doing more harm than good & I would think if he told you the sun was shinning you'd better go check for yourself, but when he does this & tells me I'm shit I believe him. Why is it so easy for me to let that happen? The truth is I might be screwing these kids up but I haven't seen an ounce of help from him to change the situation. I'm the one that's here. I'm the one that is making sure the kids have what they need, taking them to the doctor, getting their medication, making sure I know where they are and what they are doing, holding them accountable for their actions. I'm the one that is working full time & going to school full time but take a whole Saturday to sit on the bleachers to support my daughter doing something she is so passionate about. Going to a basketball game when I've been sick and just want to go to bed. Scrounge around the house to find enough change for something they need. I might be making mistakes but I'm doing the very best I can.
I was finally able to get the harassment to stop by sending him a message saying his number had been blocked. My fear was if I had blocked him he would have turned his craziness toward the kids.
I wish I were the type of person that could turn a blind eye to this sort of thing. The type of person that could teach my kids to say to heck with it. If someone wronged them they didn't have to be nice to them or go out of their way to help them but I'm not. I'm the type of person that believes you should be kind & you are not responsible to get even with anyone else. And unfortunately I'm the type of person that will lay awake all night and analyze every decision and choice I've made over the last 23 years to see where I've screwed up & why I suck at life. Its funny how it takes one night of BS from someone you thought you were done with when you signed the divorce papers to undo all of the hard work you thought you had done to fix yourself. Yet here I am the same sad person who questions every move.
Honestly I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of having to fight for everything whether its health insurance, or keeping a running vehicle I'm just tired. I need something to give here. I'm not saying I'm ready to throw in the towel or anything like that. I'm simply saying that I'm ready for my focus and attention to be directed towards something more positive.