Not everything I touch turns to gold

A few weeks ago I started some seeds inside to give them a chance to get hardy enough to survive outside when the time is right. I planted a couple different kinds of tomatoes, peppers and Brussels sprouts. I also started a table top lettuce garden.

At first everything was doing great. All of the little seeds sprouted and filled my little trays with green that promised to provide hours of entertaining while I weeded and harvested. I decided I had planted to many seeds in each little whatever you call those things and decided to thin them as the packages suggest. Carefully I plucked some that looked less hardy and checked on them daily, providing water when they needed and positioning them in the window to get the best sun.

Slowly one by they started dying off. First the tomatoes withered and died then the sprouts. Next my beloved lettuce wilted and died. The only thing remaining are the peppers.

Looking back I think I may have planted to many seeds in each pod, waited to long to thin them and perhaps my water is not good enough for the plants. I've never been really great at keeping house plants alive and if any of them look better than half alive now its because they are either new or Jeff remembered to water them.

You would think with the deck stacked like it is, not having a green thumb, my proven failed attempts at tomatoes and so on, I would quit now and buy my veggies already grown, however I am more determined that ever to make this work. Kind of like Susan Lucci chasing her award I am going to dump the dead little sprouts and try again.

For the record I don't even like tomatoes or peppers but now its personal!

All or nothing?

Someone told me recently that I don't do things half-assed. That once I decide to do something I put 100% into whatever it is.

I guess that's true. I've said before that sometimes I won't do things because I don't think I will do it perfectly and I've been working on that. So I've been thinking about this half-assed thing. Maybe that's why I quit things to. Maybe if I'm putting in everything I have and its not turning out to my expectations I quit it? I hope that's not true about myself but I'm not sure. I mean I have taken on some pretty major things the last 6 months or so and some are not going exactly as I've planned and it hasn't crossed my mind at all to quit it. I've tossed around ideas of how to tweak things to make things go the way I ultimately see them going however not thought of quitting.

Today however I kind of feel like this idea just hit me upside the head. I have had an idea how something should be going and put everything I have into it. Nurturing it and investing my energy and time into it with a bigger goal in mind. Over the last few months things have started to change there. Nothing obvious or overnight but slowly. Today was like the final big change that made me realize everything was different and maybe I've wasted a lot of time and energy. My initial thought process was that it was time to move onto something else (see how I do that). That I wasn't good enough for this situation. That perhaps it was time to give it a go where my efforts would be met equally and we could work toward a common goal.

That's nuts! So what if my idea of how it should go are not the reality. I might not be the person that is needed. I pride myself on how loyal I am to people and I don't always give that loyalty easily but when I do I invest all into it and often times set unrealistic expectations. I don't have to be a big deal at everything I do. I guess sometimes its OK to just be and just do.

Now as I reread that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense except to me. I get what I'm saying.

The truth is right now I'm having the biggest petty party for myself and its stupid. The fact that I looked and was seconds away from booking a flight to Florida for a long weekend so I could run away and not deal with it for a few days is stupid. The whole situation is stupid.

So enough of feeling less than good enough because in reality I might not be for some but I am being the best I can be. Doing the best I can do. Real people that are supposed to be in my life will embrace that and together we will kick ass!

Spring renewal

Ah the first day of spring. I've noticed a ton of posts about baseball and warmer weather and none of that sparks excitement in me like the idea of breaking ground and planting. I get a certain amount of satisfaction out of taking a little bit of land and dropping some seeds into it and watching it produce something that is whole and not full of chemicals I can feed my family.  As you know I'm pretty clueless when it comes to gardening and all that goes with it but its fun learning.

My fist seeds are begging to sprout and building a good foundation to be planted outside.

I've got some flowers that are poking through the cold ground now and that seems to go along with how I feel this time of year. I love all of the seasons here in Western NY and feel blessed to live in such a beautiful area but something happens to me at spring time. Its like I feel awakened and inspired to shed the winter cobwebs. Clearly I am not the only or first one to feel this way however I feel like people get so stuck in the negativity of winter fatigue that they forget about the empowering benefit of this time of year. Its time to embrace the last days of winter just like we do the last days of summer. If your thing is to cook up a big pot of chili on winter days spend a day doing that or bake something in the oven because it won't be long and it will be to hot to light the oven. If you like frolicking in the snow with your kids or dogs do it. If all you see are muddy yards and dirty snow look at it through squinted eyes.  Remember how much fun playing in the mud is? Do it!

I've said this is going to be my best year yet and that this is the year of my mission not intermission. That means for me to participate in life not wait for the right moment. That's exactly what I'm doing. It starts with the seeds planted inside and planning a weekend hike. Starts by having groceries in the house so I can stay on program. Even if I've had a period of time that I faltered and not been as energized is not a problem because there is still time. Its only the first day of spring!

What inspires you? Are you feeling energized and empowered? Why or why not?

Being accountable

So today is day two of being back on program or whatever you want to call it. Yesterday I was 100% on followed by one of the most challenging workouts I've had in a long time. Today I've been great however I am struggling with my water.

I guess I'm not a good communicator. My last post was meant to be like a recommitment to my health and I do best when I am public about it. I wasn't trying to whine or look for any compliments or blah blah blah. Just was trying to own up to the fact that I spiralled into a place I didn't want to be and that I recognised that and was ready to move on. When I said I needed a goal I meant a fitness goal, something to work towards to help motivate me.

I love and am so thankful for the love and support everyone gave me. I did decide I would start hiking local trails and build up endurance and climb whiteface mountain. I also applied and was accepted to Excelsior College for my RN.

Even though people have expressed how the hiking and climbing thing is a bad idea I thought it was awesome. The problem with both goals is that I just found out I'm going to need to use the money I have saved up for the enrollment fee for school and the trip to the Adirondacks to pay a couple of unforseen bills. Oh well I'll just push them back a little more. (Goals not bills)

Bottom line is I need to work on my communication skills, and my ass and thighs hurt so bad right now I can barely walk up the stairs. Its a good feeling though. 

Tonight at Wegmans I found it easy to fly through due to the fact there was a screaming toddler that could be heard throughout the store making the hair on my neck stand up. Blood curdling screams. Nothing extra made it into my cart :)

Happy Tuesday!!! 

The road to recovery

For the record I never want any surgery of any kind! Nothing. I regret ever having sinus surgery. I don't really think it did any good and I have felt like crap ever since. Don't get me wrong I have a good day here and there but for the most part I am shot all of the time.  I'm not going to have it! Basically I'm done messing around.

So as usual I tend to always over think everything yet seem to always miss the actual point. What I mean is I've been thinking I feel like crap because of the surgery and only because of that. Now that I've had a chance to reflect I think it might be more than that.

Everyone knows I've been doing like a life overhaul sort of thing. What that means is eating clean and exercising. Making better life choices. When I had my surgery I had to back off on my workouts and slowly things were set into motion that have me where I am today. The first thing was ginger ale. It was the only thing I could drink. I couldn't really eat for about a week so I was living on ginger ale and occasional slice of protein bread just so I could take ibuprofen. From there I went back to eating like I was supposed to only dropping off my mid morning and afternoon snacks. Then ordering salads at lunch because I didn't prepare mine or whatever. Before you know it here I am two months after surgery and I haven't measured a food item in a while, making excuses to stray from the food plan and workout plan back to feeling like crap. I haven't officially weighed in for some time because I've been afraid to yet have kept a closer eye on it at home than ever (+2.5#).

Why would I allow this to happen when I've come so far?

I don't think I realized I was allowing it to happen. I physically felt like shit and did what I could. Then I got new clothes and people started commenting on my new look. Like everyone. I have always hated to have any sort of attention and it was easier to ignore what I was going through than to deal with it and move on.

Basically I was over thinking something's and under thinking others.

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to work with someone that knows how to get me to where I want to be and cares enough to invest time and effort into my health and I've waisted the last couple of months, or have I? I mean ultimately I want to get to a healthy place both physically and mentally. In order to get to that place I'm going to have ups and downs. Going to have trials along the way that hopefully I am able to overcome and become stronger.

I guess I have two choices. I can either feel guilt and continue to undo all of the progress I have made or I can learn from this opportunity and come back kicking ass.

I choose to kick ass. To hell with this person that hides behind being overweight and so unsure of herself that I don't even make a freaken decision. I started this transformation because I was sick of being weak and unhealthy and I refuse to give up on that now.

So I basically don't care if I annoy everyone with my constant talking about this or my refusal to do much socially or being to busy working out or whatever the long list of complaints I have heard but this IS a matter of my life and I am going to make it the best I can. Interestingly enough I had been dealing with some sort of anxiety that required me to go on medication. Once I started eating right and working out I was able to go off of that medication and only had a problem the week before mother nature visited. I had all of my symptoms gone through my life style changes until this month. It came back full force. Its so scary to me to think the food we eat and inactivity can cause such a problem. It is debilitating and I'm not going back there!

Hopefully I haven't made the people that have worked so hard to help me change (Brian, Shelly, Jeff, the kids and some coworkers, friends and some family) discouraged because I need them in my corner helping me out. Clearly I am unable at this time to do it on my own.

I commit to sticking 100% to the food and exercise program and hopefully next week I can post that commitment got the 2.5 pounds off and then we can go from there.

I'm back and I'm badass!

Surprise thats healthy

I had a moment of shock this Saturday when Liana and her friend came downstairs in the morning and asked me to drive them to the store to get Oreos. When I said no she kind of got mad. I understand there are some days you just need an Oreo or something however I know there are better ways to handle that and in that moment I realized I have been basically doing my transformation alone when I should have been including the family more.

So my mission for Saturday (remember 2014 is my mission not intermission), was to cook clean all day and have the family enjoy it.

First up I made some homemade chicken soup. They love that when I make it. Only this time I made my own stock rather than use store bought with all of the sodium and additives. Jeff said the only thing it was missing were dumplings so he whipped up a batch. At this point I hadn't planned on them wanting those so I made a mental note that next time I would try finding a clean recipe for biscuits or something.

After that I thought why not try a snack the kids would like. Kevin is always hiking or doing something physical. Liana always has a sweet tooth.

I decided to make some protein bites. They consisted of natural peanut butter, vanilla protein powder, oats, chia seeds,  dash of salt. I mixed it all up and waited for the kids to get home to sample my secretly healthy snack.

Liana and her friend didn't like them at all. Kevin isn't sure how to feel about them yet and Tonia liked them a little. I loved them of course.

I tried using the same ingredients above and smooshing a banana and some cinnamon chips. None of the kids will try them.

I'm not going to give up though. I will slowly convert them over to clean eating at my house. They already do at their dads.

Meanwhile I think I'll ask Brian about these protein bites as part of my weekly meal plan. They ate yummy and the only thing not on my plan is the chia seeds.

Honest rant

I've never been a big fan of February. It seems like that is when I start to feel antsy and ready for spring to burst me out of the winter funk I feel like I get into. Apparently this year is going to be no exception to that. I have been able to stay busy this winter, which I was hoping would help keep me positive and in better February spirits. Today I realized that's not going to happen.

Perhaps its an accumulation of things that have gone on or maybe its just a bad day.

I was so looking forward to some things in my near and distant future and maybe its because I have realized those things are not going to happen but I am in a funk. I was so excited about the idea of going to Uganda. The idea of going and providing care and just being part of something like that has always been something I have wanted to do. Honestly I have always kind of thought I would love to be in the Peace Corps or something like that.  Anyway I was really looking forward to this trip. After talking with the organizer of the trip and getting a little more details as well as doing some honest soul searching I made the decision not to go. Its expensive (although less expensive than taking a touristic trip). I just think its irresponsible of me to plan such a trip at this stage of my life. Jeff is just getting back to work and at a much (much) different rate than he is used to, I want to try to send Liana to some sort of camp this summer. I'm not sure what or where yet but she needs something to do other than sit on the couch and watch TV. Kevin is in the middle of his junior year which means I need to start saving some money for next year. Being a senior is expensive. That's not counting which adult child and/or relative is going to need things.  Bottom line is not this time.

Also I made the decision to continue my education. After I did that I got to thinking and I actually have no desire to be a hospital nurse. The idea does not appeal to me at all. I love office nursing. I love the follow through you have. I love how you almost become part of the families and they turn to you for all events in their lives, good and bad.

Usually in February I start tanning because it helps my psoriasis. This year it is worse than it has ever been and I just can't afford to go right now. I can soon and honestly it doesn't really bother me except since my surgery. Its so bad on my face and daily at least someone has something to say about it. I've been feeling myself withdrawal socially and keep my hair in my face and all of the usual things I do to not be noticed.

Last Sunday I started feeling like crap. I thought it was because I felt so good Saturday and maybe overdid it a little. It really hasn't let up yet. Not sick crap just run down and my nose is so very sore. Not to mention I can't breathe.  I've been managing but each night I fall in bed before 9:00 and just don't have the spunk I'm used to. Last night at workout I was so damn winded and my muscles felt as if it was the first time I had ever used them.

There is a point to all of this whining. I have worked very hard to change things in my life. I have the new me in my minds eye and if I focus on these things I will continue down the path of feeling bad for myself until i am the over weight depressed complainer that is just sitting on the couch waiting for the impeding health issue that ruins my life.  I have to hold myself accountable. To do that I have to own up to what's been going on and move on. I have three beautiful children who are my whole life. A step(ish) daughter who is creative and a boyfriend that seems like was made just for me. Two of the greatest sisters and the best Mom in the world who has given us the best Stepdad. My whole family is unique and wonderful. Add to that the Sister Friends I have and I am so blessed.

I refuse to go down my usual path of self destruction. So I may need to take a little longer to catch my breath after this surgery, I still am pushing forward and I am going to get overall healthy. I am still on task of making the best Me this year.

February has many special events that I am looking forward to and I WILL enjoy the celebrations. Several family member birthdays. The 14th is my anniversary for not smoking. The 25th is my anniversary with my Love Jeff and my work friends are planning another girls get together. I refuse to be anything but present and cheery for everyday! I have been reading a great book by Louise L. Hay called "You can heal your life" and I am going to use those affirmations to help drag me out of my funk.

I apologize to everyone for being grumpy lately. I love the people in my life and never want to subject you to that. Thanks for sticking with me as I work through these things.