I've never been a big fan of February. It seems like that is when I start to feel antsy and ready for spring to burst me out of the winter funk I feel like I get into. Apparently this year is going to be no exception to that. I have been able to stay busy this winter, which I was hoping would help keep me positive and in better February spirits. Today I realized that's not going to happen.
Perhaps its an accumulation of things that have gone on or maybe its just a bad day.
I was so looking forward to some things in my near and distant future and maybe its because I have realized those things are not going to happen but I am in a funk. I was so excited about the idea of going to Uganda. The idea of going and providing care and just being part of something like that has always been something I have wanted to do. Honestly I have always kind of thought I would love to be in the Peace Corps or something like that. Anyway I was really looking forward to this trip. After talking with the organizer of the trip and getting a little more details as well as doing some honest soul searching I made the decision not to go. Its expensive (although less expensive than taking a touristic trip). I just think its irresponsible of me to plan such a trip at this stage of my life. Jeff is just getting back to work and at a much (much) different rate than he is used to, I want to try to send Liana to some sort of camp this summer. I'm not sure what or where yet but she needs something to do other than sit on the couch and watch TV. Kevin is in the middle of his junior year which means I need to start saving some money for next year. Being a senior is expensive. That's not counting which adult child and/or relative is going to need things. Bottom line is not this time.
Also I made the decision to continue my education. After I did that I got to thinking and I actually have no desire to be a hospital nurse. The idea does not appeal to me at all. I love office nursing. I love the follow through you have. I love how you almost become part of the families and they turn to you for all events in their lives, good and bad.
Usually in February I start tanning because it helps my psoriasis. This year it is worse than it has ever been and I just can't afford to go right now. I can soon and honestly it doesn't really bother me except since my surgery. Its so bad on my face and daily at least someone has something to say about it. I've been feeling myself withdrawal socially and keep my hair in my face and all of the usual things I do to not be noticed.
Last Sunday I started feeling like crap. I thought it was because I felt so good Saturday and maybe overdid it a little. It really hasn't let up yet. Not sick crap just run down and my nose is so very sore. Not to mention I can't breathe. I've been managing but each night I fall in bed before 9:00 and just don't have the spunk I'm used to. Last night at workout I was so damn winded and my muscles felt as if it was the first time I had ever used them.
There is a point to all of this whining. I have worked very hard to change things in my life. I have the new me in my minds eye and if I focus on these things I will continue down the path of feeling bad for myself until i am the over weight depressed complainer that is just sitting on the couch waiting for the impeding health issue that ruins my life. I have to hold myself accountable. To do that I have to own up to what's been going on and move on. I have three beautiful children who are my whole life. A step(ish) daughter who is creative and a boyfriend that seems like was made just for me. Two of the greatest sisters and the best Mom in the world who has given us the best Stepdad. My whole family is unique and wonderful. Add to that the Sister Friends I have and I am so blessed.
I refuse to go down my usual path of self destruction. So I may need to take a little longer to catch my breath after this surgery, I still am pushing forward and I am going to get overall healthy. I am still on task of making the best Me this year.
February has many special events that I am looking forward to and I WILL enjoy the celebrations. Several family member birthdays. The 14th is my anniversary for not smoking. The 25th is my anniversary with my Love Jeff and my work friends are planning another girls get together. I refuse to be anything but present and cheery for everyday! I have been reading a great book by Louise L. Hay called "You can heal your life" and I am going to use those affirmations to help drag me out of my funk.
I apologize to everyone for being grumpy lately. I love the people in my life and never want to subject you to that. Thanks for sticking with me as I work through these things.
