For the record I never want any surgery of any kind! Nothing. I regret ever having sinus surgery. I don't really think it did any good and I have felt like crap ever since. Don't get me wrong I have a good day here and there but for the most part I am shot all of the time. I'm not going to have it! Basically I'm done messing around.
So as usual I tend to always over think everything yet seem to always miss the actual point. What I mean is I've been thinking I feel like crap because of the surgery and only because of that. Now that I've had a chance to reflect I think it might be more than that.
Everyone knows I've been doing like a life overhaul sort of thing. What that means is eating clean and exercising. Making better life choices. When I had my surgery I had to back off on my workouts and slowly things were set into motion that have me where I am today. The first thing was ginger ale. It was the only thing I could drink. I couldn't really eat for about a week so I was living on ginger ale and occasional slice of protein bread just so I could take ibuprofen. From there I went back to eating like I was supposed to only dropping off my mid morning and afternoon snacks. Then ordering salads at lunch because I didn't prepare mine or whatever. Before you know it here I am two months after surgery and I haven't measured a food item in a while, making excuses to stray from the food plan and workout plan back to feeling like crap. I haven't officially weighed in for some time because I've been afraid to yet have kept a closer eye on it at home than ever (+2.5#).
Why would I allow this to happen when I've come so far?
I don't think I realized I was allowing it to happen. I physically felt like shit and did what I could. Then I got new clothes and people started commenting on my new look. Like everyone. I have always hated to have any sort of attention and it was easier to ignore what I was going through than to deal with it and move on.
Basically I was over thinking something's and under thinking others.
I have been given a wonderful opportunity to work with someone that knows how to get me to where I want to be and cares enough to invest time and effort into my health and I've waisted the last couple of months, or have I? I mean ultimately I want to get to a healthy place both physically and mentally. In order to get to that place I'm going to have ups and downs. Going to have trials along the way that hopefully I am able to overcome and become stronger.
I guess I have two choices. I can either feel guilt and continue to undo all of the progress I have made or I can learn from this opportunity and come back kicking ass.
I choose to kick ass. To hell with this person that hides behind being overweight and so unsure of herself that I don't even make a freaken decision. I started this transformation because I was sick of being weak and unhealthy and I refuse to give up on that now.
So I basically don't care if I annoy everyone with my constant talking about this or my refusal to do much socially or being to busy working out or whatever the long list of complaints I have heard but this IS a matter of my life and I am going to make it the best I can. Interestingly enough I had been dealing with some sort of anxiety that required me to go on medication. Once I started eating right and working out I was able to go off of that medication and only had a problem the week before mother nature visited. I had all of my symptoms gone through my life style changes until this month. It came back full force. Its so scary to me to think the food we eat and inactivity can cause such a problem. It is debilitating and I'm not going back there!
Hopefully I haven't made the people that have worked so hard to help me change (Brian, Shelly, Jeff, the kids and some coworkers, friends and some family) discouraged because I need them in my corner helping me out. Clearly I am unable at this time to do it on my own.
I commit to sticking 100% to the food and exercise program and hopefully next week I can post that commitment got the 2.5 pounds off and then we can go from there.
I'm back and I'm badass!
