Oh how far We've come

Not that long ago I would have received a text message from the ex like I did today & I would instantly be taken back to the meek, scared, insecure person that I found myself as at the end of our relationship. Today I realized that's not me anymore. That doesn't stop him from trying & trying harder to get to me but I recognize his ploys & am strong enough to stand up to him.

Recent events have literally put my kids at danger & I'm not allowing it to happen any more. Perhaps that's where my motivation to be assertive and not allow his toxicity to get to me.

I'm so proud of myself for the things I've done lately. Well lately being the last year or so lol. I work very hard at being and having a consistent and stable environment for Kevin & Liana to have. It isn't always easy to turn a deaf ear to the mean & hurtful things he says but today I did it! Perhaps the kids will take a cue & tell him to fuck off when he cuts them down the way he has.

Everyone possesses the power inside of them to stand up for themselves & not allow anyone to hurt them emotionally. The trick is to find & tap into the power then build on it to achieve greatness. I know people get annoyed or defensive of the motivational sayings I have been posting of late however I am trying to become the best version of me & this is the process that is working for me right now. I'm sorry if you don't like it however this is what it is right now.

Life fly's by so quickly that there isn't time to focus on the negativity. Growth for me is coming now that I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm enjoying every step of this journey & intend yo continue doing so.

Melting......down

Today I was shocked. I have had to make some choices and make some adjustments. Some have been difficult, some fun, some painful & through all of them I have felt OK. Then today I thought I was alright with another change I had to make & surprisingly it shook me to the core. The two people that probably read this nonsense know me well enough to know that I don't make decisions lightly. I think then rethink then over think. I weigh the pros & cons, I make lists. I obsess until I'm confident I have made the right choice. But today after the choice was made I felt like I was kicked in the gut. Like I lost a very good friend. A deep sadness that I haven't been able to shake all day.

Add to that fact that I allowed someone to make me question my skills and abilities as a nurse, when I know better than to let this person get to me.

To come home and have to calm Liana down after her "father" tears her down emotionally again.

I over cooked the steaks.

Laundry's backed up. Sink is full of dishes. There is dust everywhere. And I've got a ton of homework that I have to ace.....

It started this morning when I was ready to walk out the door and I started sobbing & couldn't stop. Then I transitioned to anger over the mean girl to overwhelming panic at the tasks.

I am having one major pity party right now. Why? I mean really its the stupidest thing I've done in a while. There are people out there with real problems yet here I sit feeling sorry for myself.

So this is it. I'm going to use the advice my wise friend Monica gave and allow myself today / tonight but tomorrow its time to put my head on straight again and keep fighting the good fight.

Healing part one

Some interesting things I'm working on right now, well interesting & thought provoking to me:

"We are each responsible for all of our experiences. " Louise L. Hay.

"It's only a thought, and a thought can be changed." Louise L. Hay

Those two statements have had a profound awakening for me since I read them nearly eight months ago. Sometimes they are in the forefront of my mind and sometimes on the back burner. They creep up when I need them most and sometimes I listen and sometimes I don't. I guess that's how change is in our lives. We do it for a while then slip back to old habits then try again.

I also found interesting the following:

"We must release the past & forgive everyone. We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves. Self approval and self-acceptance in the now are the keys to positive changes. When we really love ourselves, everything in our life works."

Those things are easy enough to say or jot down on paper but how does one go about doing those things? If life were as easy as saying OK I'm going to think or do these things this way now then everyone would be in perfect alignment body mind and spirit right?

I believe that what we think about ourselves becomes our truth. What we believe is what those around us have believe and its a silly little circle that continues. Its not necessarily wrong, its just what we know. Before you can begin to change those thoughts and beliefs you have to recognise them to be self destructive and then work to change them.

Reading this book the first page asks a simple question: Which of these statements sounds like you?

"People are out to get me."
"Everyone is always helpful."

Personally my answer was somewhere in the middle. I don't believe either statement about myself however it opened my eyes to a starting place.

I'm actually looking forward to this new growing process and welcome any comments or feedback as I progress through the journey.

I've heard much feedback already. Most of the time I get the glazed over look and that sideways smirk and either people say its hippy thinking or there is no way your mind is responsible for your health. Some people are open and want to hear about my process. The bottom line is though its my journey & I've got to do something. Why not explore every avenue and try my hardest for a great outcome?

Resources: Hay, Louise L. : you can heal your life (2012) Hay House Inc.

New phase on the horizon

Things have been tense lately. I think people are just overwhelmed with everything. This got me thinking about myself. I've been very open about how I've been trying new things and trying to become the best me. That has been me changing careers, going to school, moving, changing jobs, learning new skills like gardening and stuff. Going back to school (again) and changing my health.

I occasionally reflect on choices I've made and try to figure out if I should have done things differently. I feel like since January I have been kind of on auto pilot. I've been going through the motions of things but my head and heart haven't really been in anything. I think we all go through phases like this while we are sorting out our next move. I guess the point is not to stay in this phase for to long or you'll grow stagnant.

So today is really the first day I feel awake and ready to face the next phase. I'm still in somewhat of a holding pattern as I'm not sure what direction I'm heading in next but I'm ready. I feel like I've been working so hard on transforming myself that I've put all my energy into it and there has been nothing left. Yet I've arrived at this place only to realize I've been neglecting a major part of the process, the mind. I've worked on the physical part, and the spirit but not the mind. Or the physical and mind but not spirit... I guess I'm not sure. I feel like I haven't gotten to the root of why I do what I do. Like why I feel the need to have groceries in the house to feel secure or why I automatically eat when I'm worried about things or stressed. I think its time to work on this aspect of things or the rest will forever be a revolving circle that will always have me back to the same place.

So where does one go for this? I have a trainer for my body, a network for my soul but how do you figure out the root? I'm not really into a counselor at the moment, not that I could afford one.

I've started reading a book called "You can heal your life." Perhaps this will help.  One thing is for sure I can not go back and I can not stay here. I must continue to move forward and develop.

It seems like people are so judgemental these days. I hear all the time why so and so is bad because of the car they drive or tattoos they have or because they need pain pills or have to many children. It literally makes me want to scream. I feel like people spend so much time focusing on this crap they don't allow themselves to see deeper. I feel as if we are so worried someone might be getting something they are not actually entitled to that we become biased and treat people poorly as a result.

I recently was talking with someone about the immigrant children and how I wanted to see if perhaps I could sponsor one or  care for one. The response I got was quick and forceful with little thought given. How they needed to be put back on a bus and sent where they came from. I tried to explain that I didn't agree with the situation however there were young children in need of care. I asked how it might be to be in this situation. Imagine life is so terrible that you put your child, the child you care so deeply about that you can't bear the thought of anything bad happening, you put them on a bus with strangers hoping they end up someplace better that someone will look after them and give them a chance. It must be terrible for anyone to consider that. How can we turn a blind eye and let these kids suffer in abandoned walmarts, some have starved to death, some abused. I mean come on.... But the answer was no and discussion closed. I get that there are people here that need our help to. I don't know the answer to all of this but somehow there is room For growth.

So back to the judgemental part. I was hiking with Monica yesterday when I got a text message in response to a message I had sent. She saw it and told me how the response was bullshit. She and I talked about the entire situation at length and by the time we finished I was determined the person was doing me wrong and I should cut my loses and move on. Today I went back through the messages and decided my initial message could have been interpreted wrong which then set off a chain reaction. That is a big problem with texts and emails. Its hard to decipher the emotion and actual intent of the sender. I would much rather shoot off a message and be done with it however this gets me into trouble often as people are usually unable to interpret what I mean. Guess I'll have to work on that as well

The difference a year makes

It amazes me to think last year at this time I was not only considering weight loss surgery but had gone as far as researching and had made an apt with a doctor to talk about the process.

Its been a long road however looking back it went quickly. I started eating better, well now that I know how to eat better I guess initially I started eating less and started exercising a little bit. I lost almost 30 pounds. Then I did some routine blood work for my doctor and got the crap scared out of me. My cholesterol was through the roof, my blood glucose was boarder line diabetic, my blood pressure was up, I barely had enough energy to put one foot in front of the other, my body always ached.

The day I got my blood work back I saw a post from a local trainer offering a total body transformation. I decided then it was what I needed to do. I started with him a few weeks later and have not been the same since. I have always had psoriasis and hid my arms and legs from people so honestly this transformation was not looks. It was about becoming healthy. About being around for my kids. Ten months after starting with this new way of thinking I can honestly say not only have I had a body transformation but an over all transformation. I feel the healthiest and happiest I probably ever have. My blood work and blood pressure are normal, my energy is through the roof and I feel fantastic.

Don't get me wrong I still have a long (long) way to go to be at my healthy weight but today I am 49 (grr i WILL hit 50) pounds closer than I was last July 1st. Had anyone told me last year that it would take me a year to loose that much I probably would have give up before I started, thinking I would never get there but here I am. Its been a slow .5 - 2 pounds a week (average) sometimes gaining sometimes really wanting to say to hell with it I'm giving up but it has all Ben worth it.

A year ago I never would have walked into a gym and worked out. I never would have known I could push myself and see results. Looking back at how scared I was amazes me because today I have confidence I only imagined. People have gotten mad at me for being selfish, excuses to get me off the wagon, laughed at what I said I was doing and somehow none of that mattered.

Things are changing again, school and stuff. I honestly can't wait to see where I'm at next July!

Procrastination

It's been a while since I've put anything on here. Mostly because the stupid app on my phone keeps messing up when I try to publish anything. Honestly its probably best anyway as I was trying to come out of a negative place. But I'm back and fighting the good fight and trying to find what good I can in things.

I've just about completed my first course toward my RN. Its development t through the lifespan and it's been challenging to find the balance between work and the kids and school work. I guess I thought I would just be able to breeze through it. Or it would feel like it did when I went for my LPN. I literally feel as if I come home from work just to sit down and do school work until bed and now that I'm finishing this course I'm wondering why? I mean I want to learn the information however I have absolutely no desire to become a hospital nurse. Honestly I love what I'm doing now I just need to plan for my future better. There is no way I can survive my life with what I'm doing now so the obvious choice was to go for my RN. Ideally I would like to obtain my degree and then continue in the office setting, maybe as a case manager or something. My dream (for way longer than I've been a nurse) has always been to be some sort of health coach or holistic practitioner. I am just afraid there isn't a market in this area for it. Healthcare is a mess right now and everyone needs to be concerned with the bottom line. Whether we like it or not insurance companies have had to make some changes which caused a ripple effect. All healthcare facilities public and private have to employ people and keep the lights on. All employers have to do the same while offering competitive wages. We could argue all day about which caused the crisis we are in today but the end result is the same. People's health is poor. Personally I tend to look at things a little differently, maybe I'm right and maybe I'm not however I figure I don't have to worry about what the insurance is going to pay back or what the employer cost is. I see it as my job to concern myself with my patient. Yes singular patient because my focus is on whomever I am in a room with or in the phone with at that moment. My focus is how do I get this one person from a poor health state transitioned to a healthy state. Sometimes its easy and I just have to listen. Sometimes I have to encourage them and sometimes I have to advocate for them. The nice thing is though that all I have to worry about is them. There are people behind the scenes that take care of the bigger issues like keeping the lights on and things.

So wouldn't it be really cool if I could spend more time working with each individual and taking their overall health issues, like those that have several issues like diabetes, heart disease and maybe auto immune disorder and take the doctors recommendations and turn it unto achievable actions that help the patient move to good health? Just typing it gets me excited. The unfortunate part is most places (for now) aren't hiring this sort of person but hopefully in the future.

I've been thinking lately I need to get away for a bit. Grab a couple of friends and get the hell out of town for a few days. Maybe hike and drink a little and laugh. I think it needs to happen.

The whole pint of this was to procrastinate so I didn't have to work on my final exam for a while. I see I've said nothing and I still only have two questions done.

Are you kidding me

Today I overheard someone say that I was a do-gooder. Haha true story. I don't think they realized I was standing there. What was actually said was that I was "always sucking ass" and that I'm just a "do-gooder.". The other person in the conversation just chuckled.

At first I though, oh no have I become one of those annoying people that are so sweet its sickening. Then I realized it is actually me and that I'm just as sour as I am sweet. I was initially upset over hearing people talk about me and then I took a step back and actually thought about what was said. 

It was said that I'm a suck ass. This was in reference to something I had done. I can't actually give away what it was but I can say that the person running their mouth often times will walk a mile around doing anything that is not planned out far in advance. Also heard that I was a do-gooder .... I am wondering what the opposite of that would be? A do-badder? And what the heck is wrong with someone that does good? I will do things that are within my power to help someone out. I'm also very capable of saying no.

I have lived a long life (even though I'm so youthful :)) I have been in situations where I've made really bad and some really, really bad choices. I have hurt people. (Not physically because we all know I am a whimp). I have things in my past that most people don't know about and there is no one person that knows them all. Well maybe Leslie but I'm not even sure about that. I've been a do-badder. It isn't who I am anymore.
I then thought about the person saying these things. She is highly regarded by her peers, seems nice enough. Then I listen to what comes out of her mouth, day in and day out. She is so high up on her horse passing judgement on every one and every situation I sometimes get embarrassed someone might hear her. She is of questionable morals and often brags about who or what she has done. If that's what the norm is I want no part of it. I just want to be in peace and make up for some of the shit I did when I was younger.

Basically its not just this person or this situation. Everyone seems to be doing it lately. Complaining and judging everyone else. I heard a group of teachers talking about a family recently and I was sick to my stomach. This happens to be a family I know in a professional setting. I know they live in poverty and oftentimes look as if they will need a brillo bad to get the dirt off however the kids are some of the best behaved children I've seen. Always respectful and well mannered. In contrast to some middle class people who's children run around like crazy and backtalk. Its discusting that as far advanced as we are we still treat people ill because of their social standing.

Basically I'm just venting because I got my feelings hurt and there is no one at home to whine to about it. I try for the most part to be a laid back person. I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I don't cheat on my boyfriend or my taxes. I don't kick small puppies. I love my Mom and treat her respectfully. I try to be kind to people and I am honest. These are not things I have always been or done however they are now. I give an honest days work and expect to be treated fairly. Pretty simple.

The one thing I can say pushes that to the limit is if you mistreat my children. I am docile and can rationally see most sides of situations but when you are unfair or unjust to one of mine I become awakened instantly and posses almost unnatural strength. I will fight to the death for them. Not if they are in the wrong and I am the first one to admit sometimes my kids make dumb choices. I'm not one of these candy-assed people afraid of hurting their feelings and making excuses for their bad behavior. I am the parent that will follow up at home for crap they pulled while not at home.

That being said..... If you wrongly accuse my child and go out of your way to make them humiliated or are basically a dick I will revert to my old behaviors very quickly.

I have worked very hard to continually grow and develop as a person and to teach my children that you treat people kindly. You look beyond the rumor mill to find out how people really are. Be honest even if it means you will face consequences. That you don't get the latest iPhone just because you want it and if you want something bad enough you work for it.

For the longest time I have been preaching about the good in people. How we all can get caught up in a situation however when push comes to shove people are good and will stand up and do the right thing. I am actually for the first time in my life wondering if that is true. Have I been lying to myself and my children all this time? People actually are sucky. I'm not just talking about the bimbo that was running her mouth about me. I'm talking about the human race in general. Does everyone go out of their way to make people feel like crap these days or what? Is it the new normal not to give a shit about people? To be more worried about how you are going to make out in a situation rather than just do something, expecting nothing in return because that's the right thing? Or is it just this depressed, deprived area? I'm a dork in the fact that once I trust I put that person or group into my circle. Once there I do my best to support and uphold the honor whether its my work or my gym or my children's friends.

Anyone that knows me knows I've often said I finally felt like I was "home" when I moved to Canisteo. Its not because the people here are overly friendly but nightly when I drive around the bend and the view opens up and the hills and trees and so breathtaking. I just feel at ease here. Or I have. For the first time in my life I am thinking of packing up and giving NY the finger.

I've lost faith in the human race and that is a sad feeling.