Things have been tense lately. I think people are just overwhelmed with everything. This got me thinking about myself. I've been very open about how I've been trying new things and trying to become the best me. That has been me changing careers, going to school, moving, changing jobs, learning new skills like gardening and stuff. Going back to school (again) and changing my health.
I occasionally reflect on choices I've made and try to figure out if I should have done things differently. I feel like since January I have been kind of on auto pilot. I've been going through the motions of things but my head and heart haven't really been in anything. I think we all go through phases like this while we are sorting out our next move. I guess the point is not to stay in this phase for to long or you'll grow stagnant.
So today is really the first day I feel awake and ready to face the next phase. I'm still in somewhat of a holding pattern as I'm not sure what direction I'm heading in next but I'm ready. I feel like I've been working so hard on transforming myself that I've put all my energy into it and there has been nothing left. Yet I've arrived at this place only to realize I've been neglecting a major part of the process, the mind. I've worked on the physical part, and the spirit but not the mind. Or the physical and mind but not spirit... I guess I'm not sure. I feel like I haven't gotten to the root of why I do what I do. Like why I feel the need to have groceries in the house to feel secure or why I automatically eat when I'm worried about things or stressed. I think its time to work on this aspect of things or the rest will forever be a revolving circle that will always have me back to the same place.
So where does one go for this? I have a trainer for my body, a network for my soul but how do you figure out the root? I'm not really into a counselor at the moment, not that I could afford one.
I've started reading a book called "You can heal your life." Perhaps this will help. One thing is for sure I can not go back and I can not stay here. I must continue to move forward and develop.
It seems like people are so judgemental these days. I hear all the time why so and so is bad because of the car they drive or tattoos they have or because they need pain pills or have to many children. It literally makes me want to scream. I feel like people spend so much time focusing on this crap they don't allow themselves to see deeper. I feel as if we are so worried someone might be getting something they are not actually entitled to that we become biased and treat people poorly as a result.
I recently was talking with someone about the immigrant children and how I wanted to see if perhaps I could sponsor one or care for one. The response I got was quick and forceful with little thought given. How they needed to be put back on a bus and sent where they came from. I tried to explain that I didn't agree with the situation however there were young children in need of care. I asked how it might be to be in this situation. Imagine life is so terrible that you put your child, the child you care so deeply about that you can't bear the thought of anything bad happening, you put them on a bus with strangers hoping they end up someplace better that someone will look after them and give them a chance. It must be terrible for anyone to consider that. How can we turn a blind eye and let these kids suffer in abandoned walmarts, some have starved to death, some abused. I mean come on.... But the answer was no and discussion closed. I get that there are people here that need our help to. I don't know the answer to all of this but somehow there is room For growth.
So back to the judgemental part. I was hiking with Monica yesterday when I got a text message in response to a message I had sent. She saw it and told me how the response was bullshit. She and I talked about the entire situation at length and by the time we finished I was determined the person was doing me wrong and I should cut my loses and move on. Today I went back through the messages and decided my initial message could have been interpreted wrong which then set off a chain reaction. That is a big problem with texts and emails. Its hard to decipher the emotion and actual intent of the sender. I would much rather shoot off a message and be done with it however this gets me into trouble often as people are usually unable to interpret what I mean. Guess I'll have to work on that as well
