Today I overheard someone say that I was a do-gooder. Haha true story. I don't think they realized I was standing there. What was actually said was that I was "always sucking ass" and that I'm just a "do-gooder.". The other person in the conversation just chuckled.
At first I though, oh no have I become one of those annoying people that are so sweet its sickening. Then I realized it is actually me and that I'm just as sour as I am sweet. I was initially upset over hearing people talk about me and then I took a step back and actually thought about what was said.
It was said that I'm a suck ass. This was in reference to something I had done. I can't actually give away what it was but I can say that the person running their mouth often times will walk a mile around doing anything that is not planned out far in advance. Also heard that I was a do-gooder .... I am wondering what the opposite of that would be? A do-badder? And what the heck is wrong with someone that does good? I will do things that are within my power to help someone out. I'm also very capable of saying no.
I have lived a long life (even though I'm so youthful :)) I have been in situations where I've made really bad and some really, really bad choices. I have hurt people. (Not physically because we all know I am a whimp). I have things in my past that most people don't know about and there is no one person that knows them all. Well maybe Leslie but I'm not even sure about that. I've been a do-badder. It isn't who I am anymore.
I then thought about the person saying these things. She is highly regarded by her peers, seems nice enough. Then I listen to what comes out of her mouth, day in and day out. She is so high up on her horse passing judgement on every one and every situation I sometimes get embarrassed someone might hear her. She is of questionable morals and often brags about who or what she has done. If that's what the norm is I want no part of it. I just want to be in peace and make up for some of the shit I did when I was younger.
Basically its not just this person or this situation. Everyone seems to be doing it lately. Complaining and judging everyone else. I heard a group of teachers talking about a family recently and I was sick to my stomach. This happens to be a family I know in a professional setting. I know they live in poverty and oftentimes look as if they will need a brillo bad to get the dirt off however the kids are some of the best behaved children I've seen. Always respectful and well mannered. In contrast to some middle class people who's children run around like crazy and backtalk. Its discusting that as far advanced as we are we still treat people ill because of their social standing.
Basically I'm just venting because I got my feelings hurt and there is no one at home to whine to about it. I try for the most part to be a laid back person. I try to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I don't cheat on my boyfriend or my taxes. I don't kick small puppies. I love my Mom and treat her respectfully. I try to be kind to people and I am honest. These are not things I have always been or done however they are now. I give an honest days work and expect to be treated fairly. Pretty simple.
The one thing I can say pushes that to the limit is if you mistreat my children. I am docile and can rationally see most sides of situations but when you are unfair or unjust to one of mine I become awakened instantly and posses almost unnatural strength. I will fight to the death for them. Not if they are in the wrong and I am the first one to admit sometimes my kids make dumb choices. I'm not one of these candy-assed people afraid of hurting their feelings and making excuses for their bad behavior. I am the parent that will follow up at home for crap they pulled while not at home.
That being said..... If you wrongly accuse my child and go out of your way to make them humiliated or are basically a dick I will revert to my old behaviors very quickly.
I have worked very hard to continually grow and develop as a person and to teach my children that you treat people kindly. You look beyond the rumor mill to find out how people really are. Be honest even if it means you will face consequences. That you don't get the latest iPhone just because you want it and if you want something bad enough you work for it.
For the longest time I have been preaching about the good in people. How we all can get caught up in a situation however when push comes to shove people are good and will stand up and do the right thing. I am actually for the first time in my life wondering if that is true. Have I been lying to myself and my children all this time? People actually are sucky. I'm not just talking about the bimbo that was running her mouth about me. I'm talking about the human race in general. Does everyone go out of their way to make people feel like crap these days or what? Is it the new normal not to give a shit about people? To be more worried about how you are going to make out in a situation rather than just do something, expecting nothing in return because that's the right thing? Or is it just this depressed, deprived area? I'm a dork in the fact that once I trust I put that person or group into my circle. Once there I do my best to support and uphold the honor whether its my work or my gym or my children's friends.
Anyone that knows me knows I've often said I finally felt like I was "home" when I moved to Canisteo. Its not because the people here are overly friendly but nightly when I drive around the bend and the view opens up and the hills and trees and so breathtaking. I just feel at ease here. Or I have. For the first time in my life I am thinking of packing up and giving NY the finger.
I've lost faith in the human race and that is a sad feeling.
