Mamma warned me there'd be days like this.....

I've been very nostalgic today. I had the day off of work and decided to spend it sorting and reorganizing my closet. I came across lots of old art projects from the kids and different things that brought back memories.

Midway through my day I had to go to a doctors apt. I really didn't tell anyone in my family about it because I didn't want to worry them & I already knew the results if my stress test. I am glad I went. My mind is at ease now & I have a clear understanding if my cardiac status & how to move forward. For the first time in months I feel as if my fate might actually be different than both of my parents.

After my apt I sent Kevin & Liana the same messages I do every day about that time, asking where they are & what they are doing. Liana was quick to respond but Kevin didn't for about half an hour. When he finally did he said he was sorry he was with the recruiter for the past 2 1/2 hours. I knew he was going but didn't expect to hear that he is scheduled for MEPS the first week in August. OK I  mean I know its going to eventually happen and he will be leaving me for the United States Marines however its just happening so fast. My Mom (& every other adult I ever knew) said this would happen. They warned me that when I was complaining about the terrible two's I  would blink & they would be gone. That one day I would realize that was the most magical time.

Then Liana sent me a message which I can't even remember what it was now, but it made me remember when she was younger & was afraid to go upstairs by herself. How everything in her life I was a part of. Now I'm lucky if I get 5 minutes a day with her & if those 5 minutes she isn't in her phone or something. I'm loosing all of these kids to the real world & I don't want to just yet. When Kevin told me about his August date I felt almost a panic. All I can think of is the summer I sent him on a 10 day camping trip to the Adirondack Mnts. While he had great adventures, he clung to me so tight when I picked him up. For the next week he was like my little side kick, actually wanting to spend time with me. I Invision him that little boy who will go and miss his mom but is stuck. I envision all of the stuff they will put him through and I can't help him.

He will be fine.....its me that might not make it through.

Then one by one all three of my children have needed something from me today I have been unable to give. I am going to bed wondering if they even know I exist outside of being a checkbook, deliverer of forgotten things, doormat when they are pissy..... It helps sooth the hurting heart when I'm angry though so I'm going with that and the realization that one day I'll probably look back on these days and wish for them back.

To Everything..... There is a Season

Last week I got a letter in the mail addressed to the parents of Kevin. I joked with him that every time I get one of these it causes anxiety & fear that it will tell me he has skipped to many days to graduate. As I opened it, with butterflies because I really was worried. Much to my delight & surprise the very first word was Congratulations!!! Kevin got an award that would be handed out during a formal ceremony and blah blah blah.....

For real! Kevin is going to graduate! For the first time this year I allowed myself to relax & believe it to be true. Every day since the letter arrived I've been hassling him about what he was going to wear & how he had to go. I've been telling everyone that would even pretend to listen about how my Son, the graduate, got an award. Poor Kevin. Its been a long week.

Tonight I rushed home from work, changed my clothes. Changed them again. Then bolted out the door just in time to sit in the auditorium packed with seniors who looked uncomfortable with their fancy clothes on, parents who looked at their offspring with that look of pride. We watched the touching power point with all of the baby pictures and senior pictures set to music and waited through the introductions. Finally they began announcing the awards. Mid way through they presented the awards to those from the graduating class planning to enter the military. Kevin was given an award for entering the Marines.

He looked so good walking across the stage in his dress clothes, shaking hands with whoever it was. I just realized I have no idea who presented his award. Anyway. After that he rejoined Jeff and I and we waited and waited for the ceremony to finish.

When it was time to leave my handsome young man realized he locked his keys in his truck. I left he and Jeff to figure it out, came home & as I was changing my clothes it hit me! Kevin is graduating & joining the Marines. Its not something that is happening in the future. It is happening now. My little kid who can win anyone over with his crooked little smile & smooth talking. The little boy who has always preferred to be outside than in. The kid who has given me heart palpitations all year because his "free spirit" has kept him out of class. He has told me since he was 8 years old what his plans were, I just always thought I had time to worry about it later.

Tonight I realized its later.

I am so very very proud of the young man he has become. He has so many qualities I value in people, like honesty, even when its not what I want to hear or its difficult. Willing to help anyone out without asking or expecting anything in return. Hard working.....I could go on and on. The point is this kid has made me so proud & so sad all in one moment. Love you KVT

77 Days.......

That's how long it has been since my world came crashing down around me. 77 days. That is 11 weeks, 1848 hours, 110,880 minutes. That really is not that long. Not when you were happily going about your business, doing normal daily activities like work, cooking dinner, planning the future.  When your body goes through a shock like that it does funny things, things I had only heard people speak about, but never really understood until recently. For me I had the initial shock, then my body and mind went into what I consider  self preservation mode. That is where I block everything out and go through the motions. In my mind I knew what had happened, however I was refusing to think about it, really talk about it, acknowledge it in any way. I secretly had my own fears of dealing with it. I didn't want to allow myself to lose control emotionally because I'm not sure I would ever get it back. I had fear that my fate would end up being the same. Fear of who I would be able to go to now when I need something, or even if I don't.

 I finally broke down and went to my doctor, where I had a long conversation about all of my fears. I laid it all on the table, went through every inch of every medical problem my entire family has, probably for the first time in my life. As a result I feel like I am finally starting to rejoin the land of the living. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sitting in a dark corner waiting for the right time to feel better. I've been trying, very hard, to get back to normal. I go to work, I sometimes go to the gym, I've planned Kevin's graduation, I've gotten the garden planted and flowers worked on. I'm going through the motions. What I'm not doing is talking to my family or friends much. I'm afraid of my family and after overhearing my "friend" talk crap about me, I'm hesitant to really let anyone close. I do talk with my circle, Jeff, Leslie, the kids and a few family members and friends. My saving grace has been two people that have been going through the same thing and understanding whats going on with me. I just haven't really been to the point of ok until recently.

Then today happened. I woke in a great mood, feeling very positive. I was looking forward to working, then getting home and hopefully quickly doing my homework because tomorrow is Kevin's BOCES graduation and this weekend Liana has her marching band competition. The day was a typical day, like any other. I was focused on my tasks at hand and plugging through each patient. We had a very informative presentation at lunch time and if you know me, you know I love learning new things. I was feeling better than I have in so long. Towards the end of the day one of the girls from the front came to tell me I had a phone call. When I answered it a family member of one of my beloved patients notified me that my patient had passed away last night. I am so sad about this. I am close with a lot of my patients. When one of them goes through a difficult time I mourn with them. when they go through a good time I celebrate with them. When I first started working with Kim I was green. She was my first real full time nursing job. I was shy, introverted, unsure of every move I made. There are less than a handful of patients that saw right through that awkwardness and grabbed a hold of my heart strings and wormed their way in. This patient was one of them. It is a sad day for me today. The kind of sad day that makes me question why I even got into nursing. I know the real answer to that, I'm just spitting words out trying to make sense of it all. I might not actually be the right person for this job anymore. I mean I love what I do, but I don't really think I'm the type of person that can not get close to some people. The type of person that can be jaded and not see people other than a valuable life, even those I may not care a great deal for I believe are valuable and I'm not the type that will ever be able to turn that part of me off. I'll always be upset when I lose one of "mine". Truthfully I don't want to become that person either. I am sensitive and I want to stay that way. I want to continue to see good and value in people. I don't want to change that. 

Needless to say, I've been doing a ton of thinking the last week or so. I've come to a couple of conclusions.....

I am going to deactivate my Facebook. I can not do it until after July 4th, however I am going to. As I have been struggling with the new way of life (and it has been a struggle), I've realized people have to much access to me. I post something and I mean it in a positive manner, however someone takes it as negative. While it is their problem they misunderstood me, it has effected my life. Someone I considered a very good friend said today that I'm negative and I should be over it by now and I was using my moms death as an excuse. Here I thought I was finally working through things and was able to finally say, and believe and understand that my mom is gone, that I am actually able to finally see and feel again and for the first time for longer than a minute I could think something positive, however they took what I had said as negative. I can not and will not do that. If I'm honest people have often had a difficult time understanding me. Part of that is because I just don't want to trust people and I don't let them know the real me, and part of that is that people are assholes.Either way, if you are reading this I'm going to be gone from the big FB soon. If we are friends in real life we will manage to stay in touch. I intend to start a company page as soon as I finish my certification for Health Coaching and perhaps one day we will work together in that way.

I am both mortified and elated that Kevin is graduating. I didn't want it to come because I have to face it without my Mom. She was looking so forward to his graduating this year. She got new shoes, we talked about it so often and planned things out. I don't want to do it without her. I want to call her and ask her how to do thing like make fresh lemon aid like she did and how to make frog-eyed salad until she agreed to bring it, how many of this I need and other random things.   I want to be pissed off because she wont let me borrow her tent thingy for the day because my siblings will be mad if she lets me and not them. I want her to come over and walk around the house with me to check out my garden, and advise me on my flower beds. I want her to see the work I've done. I want one of her hugs that she saved for when you really needed it. Not the quick little hello or good-by hugs, but the wrap you in and let you know it doesn't matter what is happening, she is there to help you through it hugs. 

It is at this moment I realize it has only been 77 days. How can someone expect me to be over this already when I have only really been facing it for a week and a half? How can they not see the raw pain, or feel the shattering I have going on inside of me? Why can't they hear my insides screaming for it all to stop and for stupidness to STFU so I can breathe. Why can't I breathe?.......

77 days. 

I am encouraged today, even through my sadness. Today is the first real cry I have had since my mom died. I'm not talking about the time directly after. I'm talking since realization has hit. I'm excited because I know from here you progress onto the part where you celebrate their life. I'm excited because it seems I am moving forward adn even if I am not going through the motions per someone else's decided timeline, I am moving. I'm feeling and I'm going to be alright.

77 days from today will be the end of August. The time when Kevin plans to go to the Marines. 77 days is not nearly long enough. 

Day #1 (again)

I've set myself up for success! Today is the day I take this whole life thing seriously again and rejoin the land of the living. It was just last week that I realized how far backwards I've gone. There is no guilt or anything because it was the way I could cope. I've spent the days since then making a conscious effort to be in the moment, as well as prepare for my journey out of my hole.

I planned my schedule for the entire week, right down to the meals I will eat. This morning I got up a little late and the first thought I had was that I didn't have time to pack my lunch, guess what, it only took me 3 minutes to pack it. I have my snacks packed as well. My workout clothes are in my bag. I've got this.

I've got short term, medium and long term goals. My immediate goal is to stick to the menu I have planned 100%. I have no reward planned out for that, however I was thinking for every slip I made I would have to do 10 sprints. Oh how I love the sprints. My medium goal is to get rid of 5 pounds. By going public like this I believe it will help me be accountable. By all means if you see me shoving something on the illegal list (haha I just made that up), tell me to drop it. Or if I'm verbalizing how I'm not working out one of the days I have planned fell free to remind me how much being over weight feels terrible.

Sorry to bore anyone with this, but this is a matter if life and death for me & I've got to get back on track.

Have a wonderful day!

Getting back in step

I've pretty much been in a fog. I have days that I have felt I'm coming out of it, but for the most part I have felt as if I'm just going through the motions. Its not deliberate, it just is.  I have no recollection of most of the month of April and so far May. I've no idea most of the things I've said or done. I imagine its normal, but it scares the hell out of me & I don't know how to rejoin the land of the living.

For the most part I've been in living in the fog of emotionlessly existence, however yesterday I overheard a conversation about me, well most of it. I was floored. I guess I'm still able to feel because my feelings were hurt. I let it bother me for the entire night and most of this morning. Then I wondered why I'm taking on someone else's problem when I can barely deal with my own at the moment. You see I considered one of the parties involved to be a good friend, someone I erroneously confided in. I don't often let people in my circle so when I do it hurts to find out their true colors.

I spent the evening going over the last few months trying to remember what or when I did something to cause these feelings I heard. The only conclusion I have today is I have no idea. Honestly I can't spend another moment worrying about it. I have said I was sorry for whatever I've done, if this person would rather talk about me behind my back, during one of the most difficult times in my life, rather than talk to me about whatever it is I've done, then that is going to have to be their problem.

I have gotten off track these last few months. I've gained a lot of weight, 13 pounds to be exact. I've forgotten my goals, I've only been going through the motions. I'm done! I'm going to live my life & going to live in the moment! I'm sorry to those I've been absent from lately, sorry if I've appeared "bitchy" or anything other than present. This is my life & up until recently it has been exactly how I wanted it. I have worked very hard to put things in place and I'm getting back to it!

(Usually if I post one if these things it will be taken wrong by someone. Let me spell it out so as not to do that. The only meaning in this post is I had a revelation that I've had my head in the sand & I need to reenter the land of the living. It took me overhearing a friend speak badly of me to shake me awake, so to speak. I'm not mad at anyone other than myself for allowing me to step so far back. I'm working on me now. Trying to be more mindful & aware. To stop shoveling any and all food into my face while pretending its not happening. I need to continue forward not back. Hope that's what you got out of reading this)

And I need to be more cautious of who I let in my circle maybe.

Its raining its pouring

Its raining it's pouring & technically the old man IS snoring. Not that I could fall asleep right now if I wanted to. I've been sitting here contemplating my next move. You see everything has changed. I've shared that its been a shitty year & nothing had changed there. In addition to the crap I've already shared much more has happened. My mom died. Just as quick and blunt as that sentence. No warning, no chance to tell her good by she just died. At first there was no real time to deal with it. Everything happened so fast & you just kind of go through whatever preprogrammed steps there are. You show up. You pick this out you decide about that. You console everyone else. You just do whatever you do. Then it's a mad rush to get things back to normal. You go back to work & school. You do the laundry but you find yourself staring off into space thinking of nothing and not really being present for much.

In my case I rushed right into writing my final paper for sociology, or trying to. Its actually still not done. Then I got sick. The there was Jeff's party.

As any family with so many children there has been the usual drama. This one is mad about this. That one is angry at so & so. This one (& that one) refuse to pay anything & also is being a giant asshole.

Without going into details here, a series of events happened that I actually look at & shake my head. I have worked very hard to get myself financially OK in the last few years. It has been one thing after another & I finally had a little bit of money set aside for my school this semester, Kevin's graduation & what ever emergencies came up. Needless to say I will not be going to school this semester, and if anything breaks around here we are screwed. Add to that the fact that I read the same two pages six times and still have no report, I've got a kid who doesn't believe in himself & is trying to give me an ulcer getting him through his senior year. Throwing up, dust bunnies & we had a party. Another child that is sick. And the crazy train that stops by every so often. Jeff does this party every year. Between the stress of my paper, getting the house ready & not feeling totally connected I wasn't doing anything other than going through the motions. Bahm out of left field things change again.

I'm to freaking old for this crap. I just wanna happy quiet life. I don't ask for much. Someplace I belong and loved, respect, nothing crazy. It is apparently to much to ask for. I have spent the last two years working on becoming the best version of me & I can not let that work be undone. Perhaps I need to just take the kids and move into a quiet little shack someplace in the middle of nowhere & live peacefully. Its a shame that a few bad apples have been allowed to put me emotionally & financially in a deficit. I hope they can live with the consequences of their actions.

Oh if anyone has a shack I can move into please pet me know. Preferably in the Canisteo area but will settle for just about anything really. And must accept SAM.

On the edge

I was so proud of myself today. I woke up and had my positive outlook back. It's been a hell of a year and it seems like everyday something has gone wrong. Even if it's something minor something has happened. Last week I kind of felt like it all came to a head. I took the weekend to reevaluate and felt positive I had it all in perspective today. I went to work where I feel as if I worked hard and was looking so forward to getting to the gym after then home for dinner & homework.

When I walked in the door (later than planned), I was greeted by a mountain of laundry that was literally piled higher than the washer. Where did all of this come from? It's not as if I didn't spend my entire weekend doing laundry yet here is this pile. I decided to change out of my work clothes before I tackled it & saw Jeff. Who is still sick & told me when he got home the house was about 40° because the heater went out. Kevin hasn't had dinner yet, who knows where Liana is. As I climb the stairs my phone dings indicating I have a message. My Mom tells me how my Aunt Barb died. She apparently went to get the mail, fell & froze to death.

That is the point I lost my shit.

My heart is hurting so much thinking of this. I can't imagine how my cousins are feeling. I can't wrap my head around this. I came downstairs to at least start the laundry & as I started filling it up the water came out all dirty & gritty. Based on that & the fact that water is coming out in spurts in the rest of the house leads me to believe there might be a main break somewhere in town. 

Really none of the other bullshit in life matters. What matters is my loved ones. It matters that Jeff is feeling so sick. It matters that Sam seems to know my emotions & reacts accordingly. It matters that Kevin saw me crying & gave me a hug & spends time joking around with me while I'm finally getting him dinner at 8:30 at night. It matters that Liana & Brandon are doing math homework at the kitchen table (now that I've located her). It matters that tomorrow I celebrate 10 years with my very best friend. I don't give a shit what else is happening.