There is a story by Portia Nelson that goes:
"I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street."
I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Just when you think you've got things figured out something happens that pulls the rug out and you've got to reassess and figure out your next move.
I've thought I had a plan. I had everything figured out. Turns out I was back in the hole in the sidewalk. This time however I know it's my fault and now I'm going to step around the hole.
I have made some crappy decisions in my life. I've treated people bad. That was a long time ago.
I like to think I'm a nice person. While I'm actually very shy and it sometimes comes out as standoffishness or bitchy, it's just a defense mechanism and I've tried very hard to get past it. I believe people are good even if they make choices that don't make sense to me. I like to advocate for people to get what they need and stand up for people I hear others talking down on. I'm one of those people that actually feels very guilty if I don't use my turning signal when I drive. Like so much so that I have to turn it on late.
I think it's easy to be a good person. To say nice things to people. To help people out. One of the problems I have is apparently I am not a good communicator. I will try standing up for someone and however I say it will often be taken wrong and I get people's feathers so ruffled.
For example, recently I was in a group of people that were going to be doing something nice for another group. There was much confusion and many people were unsure of what to do. I asked one question. A very simple question like who is doing XYZ and it started a chain of events that to this day leaves me stunned. A big disagreement happened between two people in the group, they were yelling and actually being assholes to each other. I told them both to calm down and let's figure it out. Forever one person will always think of that moment when I told them to calm down and act their age. The rest of the group was able to pull it together and get things done. The one member though to this day will not look at me and only speaks to me if needed to in a professional setting.
Later in the day after the "big blow up" I overheard the group member talking to another person about what had happened. I was surprised at first to only hear bits and pieces and some exaggerated at that. Then I thought about it all night and into the next day. I told that person I was sorry if what I had said caused her to feel bad. That my intention was to stop the arguing and get on with what we needed to get on with. After reflection I can see how I hurt her feelings and that I was sorry because that was not my intention. Still won't even look at me...
I've had a relationship with this woman for several years now. At least five. And looking back I feel like I am still in the early stages of walking down the sidewalk with the hole in it with her. I start the journey fresh and optimistic then BAM I fall in the hole. There have been countless times when she has said and done things that have hurt my feelings, belittled me in front of others and made me question my own worth. I've never heard her say she was sorry. I'm looking at it differently this time though. I have tried different ways of communication with her, I've tried apologizing when I've been in the wrong, I've tried everything I can think of and nothing works for longer than a month at most. Now it's time to stop expecting a different outcome. Now it's time to either walk around it or simply find a different street.
I have found the best way for me to continue with personal growth is to reflect and say thank you when I should, I'm sorry when I should and so on. What I've not gotten very good results up until this point on is when I try standing up for myself. Also for other people but mostly for myself.
I'll deal with something until I've got it worked out in my head. Then I'll try to rationally speak with whomever I need to. Sometimes it's one of my children. Sometimes a coworker or supervisor. Sometimes my significant other. Sometimes it's whoever. I've noticed that when I try to stand up for myself that people automatically get defensive. It almost feels like rather than trying to get anyone to do the right thing I'd be better off accepting it for what it is and let them figure it out.
I've been inspired by my son Kevin recently. He decided to roll the dice and try his luck in Georgia. Some days have been extremely challenging, others have been so fun. The thing is that he has decided that is what he wanted and he did it. I don't need to keep walking down the same sidewalk. I can change the street so to speak.
I've become so passionate about some things that I'm forgetting the real priorities here. They are my inner peace and growth. My continuing to serve people in a capacity that feels comfortable and like I can make a difference. Maintaining the close relationship I have with my children. Figuring out my future and who should be in it and where. I love Western New York. Every evening when I drive home I am so very thankful for the breathtaking view that opens up as you round the bend. No matter what season or what time of day it is stunning. I have been given some extraordinary opportunities both in my personal life and at work to do amazing things and meet amazing people. But it's a big world out there. Maybe there are stunning views in other states. Maybe I'm meant to just stay here. Time Will tell I guess. In the meantime I have no choice but to keep searching for the good in people and circumstances. I'll keep those with the same vision close and look for the good in those that have different ones and try to understand their vision.
I'm not sure where everything is heading in the future. Not sure if I'll be living in the same town or state, not sure if I'll be working or volunteering in the same capacities. I am now I'm not sure if I'll cut my hair Brittney style or grow it out but I can assure you I see the hole in the sidewalk, I know it's my fault I landed in it and I will not be doing it again.
