I woke up this morning cranky and feeling pretty sorry for myself. The why's aren't really important. I went for my morning workout and had one of the best I've ever had. It literally was like hitting my reset button. It was so fun I kind of want to do it again right now. To bad my energy level is drained.
After an awesome morning like that I was pretty melancholy and spent much of the morning working quietly, taking care of what needed taken care of. Often times this allows me to hear what others are saying. Most of the time I have to tune them out because I get sick to death of hearing people bitch and moan about everyone else. I literally feel like someone is dragging their fingernails down a chalkboard when this happens. I feel like standing up and screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU JUDGMENTAL FREAKS!" You just can't seem to get away from it. People at the grocery store in line are complaining about the chick on welfare down the street who is buying groceries they don't feel she should. They don't mention that her husband left her and her kids high and dry not bothering to give her support or be a father to the kids. I didn't hear anything about why she was buying what she was. No one mentioned that it was the youngest b-day and what she was buying was the only gift the kid wanted. The people at the next table over are complaining about so and so who has so many children by a couple of different dads that she shouldn't be allowed to produce any more. Never mind that her children are the best behaved children that come into the restaurant. Or that she is working two jobs to support her children so she doesn't need services. Or how about the person who must be addicted to prescription med's because they are taking it.
I just can't take it any more. I am sure if people could see themselves acting this way nonstop they would be mortified. Although perhaps not. Its not right and it makes for l o n g days. I've waited for so long for the proper people to step up and fix the problem because it wouldn't be right for me to do it. Wouldn't that mean that I myself would be judging someone? Judging someone who judges is probably just as wrong.
So I am choosing no to look at it like that (my rationalization). I prefer to think of it as standing up for someone or protecting someone. I silently think inside my head things like "if it wasn't for that person taking those RX pain meds they wouldn't be able to work then you'd do nothing but bitch about them being on the system." As well as other comments that put it back to them. However most of the "Judgers" probably would just judge my comment and attitude rather than see what they are doing. If someone brought to my attention that I was behaving that way about people or a group of people (especially given the fact I work in health care, where I see people at the most vulnerable) I would be mortified and hope my mother slapped the piss out of me for acting such a way.
Everybody has a story. Everybody has a history that they bring forth that causes them to act or react a certain way. I understand that. It just hurts my feelings that we as a society still feel the need to put others down just because we don't want to take the time to understand anything about them. Or to make our own selves feel better. Why can't we learn from history and support people and lift them up? Why is it so difficult for someone the give an Atta Boy rather than emphasize weaknesses? I don't get this.
I don't know what the answer is here and I've been struggling with it a lot in recent times. I feel completely drained and defeated by the constant negativity. I've tried to stand up and say the right thing and it often bites me in the ass. Especially with one particular person that I am exposed to on a regular basis. Actually two. One I can not do anything about. They are in a position that they should know better and there is nothing I can do about it. The other should also know better but clearly doesn't. I am confident that if her bosses knew how she treated and talked about people they wouldn't stand for it, however I'm not going to go running to them and tattle on her. I've tried killing her with kindness, tried leading by example, tried explaining people's situations and why things might be the way they are and each time the retaliation is worse until now when I'm near this person I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells and be cautious with what I say as she twist and turns it and retells which leaves me looking like an ass.
I suppose I could go live in a cave where the only negative, judging people are in my head. However I can only see that lasting until the first creepy crawly bug found its way onto my body, then I'd be hightailing it back to civilization. So I have to live in a world of negativity while trying not to let it suck me in. Because honestly thats also part of this. I have a history of allowing myself to get sucked into that pattern of negativity and then it takes me so long to climb out of it. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the person that sees the glass as half full and figures out a way to fill it the rest of the way. I want to support people and build them up rather than knock them down.
Sometimes good things do happen to good people. Its more often we hear that good things happen to bad people or that bad things happen to good people. Whats the definition of good and bad? Perhaps its individual. Perhaps if you believe you have done something bad then you have and just because its bad to you does not mean its bad to someone else. For example in my opinion constantly putting someone down is bad, however in others it might be justified. Therefore if I put someone down I am doing bad things. It then makes me a bad person. Karma could turn its ugly head to me. If the next person thinks its not that bad Karma might still get them however they would see it as a bad thing happening to a good person? We all have our story.
I guess ultimately everyone faces similar situations. I am just venting because I am not wanting to do my ethics homework and today was the final straw in what has been months building. I have come close to punching someone in the froat and for real I nearly did it today. Thats my problem not theirs. I need to focus on building my own strengths and leave my weaknesses alone. I'm looking to become someone spectacular and wasting my time worrying about what others think of others is counterproductive. So tonight I choose to let it go another day and challenge my friends that are going through similar issues to do the same. Perhaps it will all work out in the end as it usually does.
