One of the problems with blended families are holidays. Everybody comes with their own traditions and combining them can be a challenge. In my case I was married to someone that was very assertive and our traditions were dictated by his mood. I was so excited for my first Christmas on our own until I realized I had walked away from the marriage with basically the clothes on my back. I had no decorations nothing. At the time I went to Walmart and bought the saddest little fake tree for $25 and a box of plastic decorations. It was the ugliest tree and I vowed to make it better in the future.
We moved in with Jeff and he and Jamie had their own traditions and it didn't feel like there was really room for ours or us in them. The first year we felt like that I set our tree up and put it on the porch. The second year we couldn't coordinate with all of the kids being here until Christmas eve and did our tree then. It just always feels like I am dropping the tradition ball. I have never wanted my kids to be unable to look back and pull up great memories.
This year I made a commitment not to stress about it. I decided I would do what I wanted when I wanted and my new family would be part of new traditions. It started with Thanksgiving. I had big plans and high hopes. All included just being at home cooking and chillin with my family. I had a blast with Liana while Jeff and Kevin were hunting. I decided one weekend we were going to get the decorations out and go to town. After all the only two children still living at home are Kevin and Liana. Zach and Jamie now live on their own in their own places and are starting their own traditions. However everything is still in totes and nothing is done. Every time I try to begin I am hit with a roadblock. I know its not anyone being malicious but I am starting to get pissed off.
I guess the point is not really about the Christmas decorations. I think its really about that I still don't feel as if I belong anywhere. I don't have anything of my own, no say in anything that goes on. I am 39 years old still living in someone else's house using someone else's belongings with no pot to piss in.
About 4 years ago I set goals for myself to reach before I hit 40. They are clear things that I am unwilling to waver on. Get a better education and job which I have done. Well at least the first round. Be married to Jeff or move on. Be healthy. I have been working very hard on this and in just over 3 months I am well on my way to achieving this goal. Be in charge of myself. This means I rely on me and my own for everything. Also been working on this. I have been working very hard to learn new things and continually trying to grow into the best person I can be.
I feel this stupid sadness that started yesterday while I was cleaning this stupid house that it seems I am always doing and I can't seem to shake it. I feel a mixture of panic because I have one good year left and sadness because I have one year left and I'm still pathetically living other people's lives. I feel so disconnected from everyone and I know its stupid and I will feel really dumb when I look back on this but right now I feel all alone on this sad pathetic journey.
So what's a girl to do.... I personally hate sad, helpless feelings and I refuse to accept them. I may not be able to put up someone else's tree but I will decorate this place with my $12 plastic ornaments and some cheesy Garland. I'm not going to allow myself to be the girl that feels sorry for herself because things aren't working out for me. I'm going to dry my eyes and set myself straight and spend the next 364 days working towards my goals before I'm 40. Well all but the whole Jeff marrying me. I know he loves me. Marriage may not be in his future. I do know however that it IS in mine. Off track because that's not really what's making me sad. I've got some decoration to do........
