I'm tired

I'm tired.  Not the tired you feel when you need a nap and things will get better.  The kind that is burrowed deep in your soul from hitting brick wall after brick wall, from feeling like you've been swimming up stream only to find a dam has been placed in your path.

I'm tired of having a simple conversation with someone then opening my phone to see an add of something we talked about. I'm tired of social media I continue to maintain just to have the memories of my loved ones who have passed pop up and to see whats going on in the kids lives, censor things and decide what I should and should not see. Im tired of hearing everyone, everywhere bitch and moan about every single thing. About how if people think differently they are terrible. I am tired of hearing judgmental commentary from every news outlet, coworkers, family, random strangers at the grocery store.  I am tired of hearing over and over everywhere you go about how terrible everyone and everything is.

I am tired of feeling like shit. Tired of getting a little hope from a healthcare provider only never to get a call back. I am tired of explaining my symptoms over and over only to get no where. Im tired of paying extreemly high copays to get nowhere. I'm tired of being told to take an antidepressant, its my age, my weight, I just need to "do it." That our friends don't want to invite us places because I never "want" to go.  I am tired of feeling like a couple of days in a row that are good set me back 2 days.  Im sick of my house being cluttered because I'm to exhausted to give a fuck. 

Mostly though I'm tired of my lost potential.  You see I believed I was going somewhere, doing something important with my life. This wasn't my peak. Now when I think of where things are I no longer feel I have that potential.  Im old news, washed up. How did this happen so fast? Is it simply the remnants of the COVID infection I had? How is it some people have long term effects and others don't? Is it the other health issues I have going on? Who knows. I cant get a healthcare provider that will listen or follow through. 

So what am I going to do about it? Doing what I've always done isn't working. So I'm going to transition to a plant based diet, I am going to try every alternative treatment I can find. I am going to find my new potential since I've run this one out. This is going to sound goofy since I am a nurse currently practicing, however I have lost all faith in the Healthcare system. It has become a business and those of us who remain that consider it a deeper passion are being phased out. We aren't welcome any more. So I'm on a new journey, one where I can still have potential, where the effort will be welcome and I can still have a positive impact on mankind. I am not going to let this be my peak. I have two little girls who need their Grandma to be more and have more to offer. Idk if that means a new career, a new address or something else but I refuse to give up until I feel better! There has got to be more than this. 

Raw and uncut...

Sometimes, we need to be hurt in order to grow. We must lose in order to gain. Sometimes, some lessons are learned best through pain.

I’ve been living with a secret for 25 years. A secret that only a handful of people have every known about. A secret about something that changed several lives at once. I have built my life around this secret. It feels like my life has been divided into parts. Before this event, during this event, after and now.

I know most people who are acquainted with me now think they know me and that I’m a very open person, and for the most part that is true. However, there are things I thought I would never speak of that have shaped who I am today, the relationships I have and how I conduct myself. You can only grow as much as you allow yourself to, and it is time for me to come clean about what I’ve been holding onto for so long. Time for those I hold dear in my heart to understand why I love them so deeply, helicopter them. Its time for the next chapter.

The things I say following are mine. This is my journey. These are my feelings. There are some people that were by my side during, those that came after, some that are here now. While they know what I’ve told them, there is less than a handful of people that know the toll it has taken and continues to take. I share this now for the simple fact of letting go of my secret. I do not share for any sort of judgment or dialog.

In 1994 I was a young, dumb kid. I had already had my son Zachary, who had gone through hell at the beginning of his life. Two surgeries before he was old enough for his first set of immunizations. I was unemployed, broke, single and living in a 1-bedroom apartment. I got pregnant. (At this point by whom is not important. Don’t ask, don’t assume, its privileged information for a reason and I will go to my grave with that single detail). What the hell was I going to do? I knew I was already gambling with the life of the child I did have. I was struggling to feed him, to provide for him. I had no future in site. How the heck would I be able to raise another child, alone at that.

I came across an add for a family wanting to adopt a child. When Zachary was with his dad, I walked down town to the pay phone and called the number. The woman who answered was so nice. She was on her way to work but went in late just to talk with me. She and her husband had been trying so hard to have a baby. They had even tried adoption in the past and it had fallen through. When we ended the conversation, I agreed to call again. In the meantime, I had found two other couples names and numbers and talked with them. I kept thinking of the first woman I had spoken to. There was something about her that I just connected with.

I agreed to meet them. My friend Nikki and I went to the Olean Mall and sat on the benches just waiting. That was before cell phones, social media even email so I only had the description she had given me. We met, talked for what seemed like forever, although I’m sure it wasn’t. We went to the McDonalds that was in the mall and drank soda and chatted. About what seemed like important information at the time, how long they had been together, what the did for a living, their families, religion and stuff. We came up with a plan that when I went into labor they would drive down. They lived in the Buffalo area. If they made it in time, then she at least would go into the delivery room.

I would say that time was kind of a blur, going through the motions. Like I didn’t really plan for anything other than I would deliver the baby and give it to these people I met. To me I was making the decision based on the fact that I already had one child that I had promised to love and devote my life to and truthfully I wasn’t doing that great of a job, and there was another child that deserved to have a better chance than I was going to be able to give it. In my mind I had decided that was the best thing and that was how it was going to be. No problem.

Then came the morning when I woke with labor pains and leaking water. At 1:48 PM I delivered a beautiful baby girl. A 6-pound, 12 ounce, 19 ¼ inches long, dark hair, beautiful daughter. They placed her in my arms and my heart filled.

 The couple arrived after I delivered. The baby was in my room and they came and held her and stuff. I was mad at them, yet not. I mean I was all over the place. I was 19, I had just delivered a baby I was going to give to another woman to raise. It was a lot. The nurse kept wanting me to send the baby back to the nursery and not hold her so much. She kept saying it would be harder on me. There was a fantastic nurse. She talked with me and understood where I was coming from. I needed time with this baby. She put a sign on the door that said all visitors needed to report to the nurses station before entering my room. She brought me my daughter and shut the door. She let me sit in there as long as I needed without judging me or trying to change my mind or whatever. When the other nurse came in to tell me to let the couple see the baby, the “good” nurse was there telling me it was my call and it was fine to keep that baby in my arms.

I held her, swaddled her, breathed in her very essence. I took that baby and memorized every wrinkle she had, face she made, smell. I talked with her, told her how very important she was to me, how very very much I loved her. How she was so important that she deserved so much better than I would ever be able to give her. That I picked for her, two people that would be so blessed to have her, that would ensure her safety, security and future. How I would make something of my life so if I ever got to meet her again I would be worthy of knowing her, because at that time I was not.  I honestly feel like that time I spent was time I was able to take a piece of her and put her in my soul. I can remember so vividly holding her to me and breathing in the scent of her, the contentment I felt and the panic at the same time.

When it was time for discharge Nikki came to drive me home. I didn’t want to see the couple, I needed to not see them. I knew they were there, but I couldn’t see them.

I got home; Zach came home. I think I might have been there about an hour, who really knows. I just remember once the pain hit, it hit hard. It was like repeated hits to the heart. Nothing like I had felt before or after. Most of that time is like a blur. I went to my Moms. I remember sitting on the couch, Zach was playing with toys, my older brother was there. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I looked right at him and said no, said I was fine. He said to me that he knew I wasn’t fine. How could I be fine. Zach had little dinosaurs he was playing with. I can still see the clothes he had on, green dinosaur in one hand, blue in the other, there was a little truck in front of him. I remember turning so slow to my brother and telling him “I’m fine.”

That night after everyone was asleep is when I broke. I don’t mean I broke down and cried, I mean I broke. Like literally, into a million pieces. Something inside of me broke. I wish I could put into words the way I felt then, I can’t. That day I really did shatter.

I tried putting myself back together again, often. I got a job, met a boy, got married, was blessed with two more children. I learned new things, then learned different things. I’ve tried finding my way in the world. I’ve tried loving my children so very much that I have nearly smothered them. I’ve invented and reinvented myself so many times, trying to close the gap that was put there so long ago.

Through the years I never really told many people about all of this. I told my now ex-husband. When we split up he told Kevin and Liana about it in an attempt to tarnish the opinion they had of me. They were to young to understand and didn’t remember. My younger brother Eric told Zachary in an attempt to tarnish his opinion of me. I learned through the years that people can’t be trusted with something like this.

A few years back I did the 23 & me DNA testing. I was really into it for a while, then I kind of forgot about it. Well 2 weeks ago I was working overnight and I was purging emails when I saw one from that site saying I had new DNA relatives. I logged on and it showed my and my 50% DNA match daughter. I couldn’t believe it! I messaged my friend Leslie and she talked me through it. I decided to send a message the next morning.

We have been talking since then. I told the kids. They were far better than I could have hoped! Kevin couldn’t wait to talk with her, Liana said the nicest thing and Zach informed me that his uncle had already told him. So far Liana has been in contact with her.

Since going through this I have learned a few things that I was unaware of before. Most people say 1 of 2 things. Usually: who is the father OR: I could never do that. I feel like the first question is just someone being nosy. Truthfully sometimes the answer to that question is hurtful to the person who’s business it really is. The second comment is probably meant to be supportive or to point out that someone did something that was difficult, and they wouldn’t be “tough enough” to do it. I would like to point out that I wasn’t able to do it either. I thought I could, however, the process literally broke me. It destroyed me. I went through the motions and I found coping mechanisms, but I was never the same. I have learned that many people look/think badly of birth mothers. I was stunned by some things I have read as I try to navigate this process that I only ever dreamed would be a reality. I will say this: I loved that baby as much as I have loved my other children. It was because of that love that I picked the parents I did and tried giving her the very best chance she could have at a future. If you love someone unconditionally and with your whole heart, then you will do what is best for them, not you. That is where my choices came from. I loved both babies I had at that time unconditionally and enough to do what was best for them, not me.

I have no idea where this is going to go or what will happen, all I know is that for the first time in 25 years I don’t have that panic feeling, that shattered feeling. I feel at peace. She had / has the best life, the best education, the best of everything and was and is so loved. She is so close with her parents and family.

 

A hole in the sidewalk

There is a story by Portia Nelson that goes:

"I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street."

I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Just when you think you've got things figured out something happens that pulls the rug out and you've got to reassess and figure out your next move.

I've thought I had a plan. I had everything figured out. Turns out I was back in the hole in the sidewalk. This time however I know it's my fault and now I'm going to step around the hole.

I have made some crappy decisions in my life. I've treated people bad. That was a long time ago.

I like to think I'm a nice person. While I'm actually very shy and it sometimes comes out as standoffishness or bitchy, it's just a defense mechanism and I've tried very hard to get past it. I believe people are good even if they make choices that don't make sense to me. I like to advocate for people to get what they need and stand up for people I hear others talking down on. I'm one of those people that actually feels very guilty if I don't use my turning signal when I drive. Like so much so that I have to turn it on late.

I think it's easy to be a good person. To say nice things to people. To help people out. One of the problems I have is apparently I am not a good communicator. I will try standing up for someone and however I say it will often be taken wrong and I get people's feathers so ruffled.

For example, recently I was in a group of people that were going to be doing something nice for another group. There was much confusion and many people were unsure of what to do. I asked one question. A very simple question like who is doing XYZ and it started a chain of events that to this day leaves me stunned. A big disagreement happened between two people in the group, they were yelling and actually being assholes to each other. I told them both to calm down and let's figure it out. Forever one person will always think of that moment when I told them to calm down and act their age. The rest of the group was able to pull it together and get things done. The one member though to this day will not look at me and only speaks to me if needed to in a professional setting.

Later in the day after the "big blow up" I overheard the group member talking to another person about what had happened. I was surprised at first to only hear bits and pieces and some exaggerated at that. Then I thought about it all night and into the next day. I told that person I was sorry if what I had said caused her to feel bad. That my intention was to stop the arguing and get on with what we needed to get on with. After reflection I can see how I hurt her feelings and that I was sorry because that was not my intention. Still won't even look at me...

I've had a relationship with this woman for several years now. At least five. And looking back I feel like I am still in the early stages of walking down the sidewalk with the hole in it with her. I start the journey fresh and optimistic then BAM I fall in the hole. There have been countless times when she has said and done things that have hurt my feelings, belittled me in front of others and made me question my own worth. I've never heard her say she was sorry.  I'm looking at it differently this time though. I have tried different ways of communication with her, I've tried apologizing when I've been in the wrong, I've tried everything I can think of and nothing works for longer than a month at most. Now it's time to stop expecting a different outcome. Now it's time to either walk around it or simply find a different street.

I have found the best way for me to continue with personal growth is to reflect and say thank you when I should, I'm sorry when I should and so on. What I've not gotten very good results up until this point on is when I try standing up for myself. Also for other people but mostly for myself.

I'll deal with something until I've got it worked out in my head. Then I'll try to rationally speak with whomever I need to. Sometimes it's one of my children. Sometimes a coworker or supervisor. Sometimes my significant other. Sometimes it's whoever. I've noticed that when I try to stand up for myself that people automatically get defensive. It almost feels like rather than trying to get anyone to do the right thing I'd be better off accepting it for what it is and let them figure it out.

I've been inspired by my son Kevin recently. He decided to roll the dice and try his luck in Georgia. Some days have been extremely challenging, others have been so fun. The thing is that he has decided that is what he wanted and he did it. I don't need to keep walking down the same sidewalk. I can change the street so to speak.

I've become so passionate about some things that I'm forgetting the real priorities here. They are my inner peace and growth. My continuing to serve people in a capacity that feels comfortable and like I can make a difference. Maintaining the close relationship I have with my children. Figuring out my future and who should be in it and where. I love Western New York. Every evening when I drive home I am so very thankful for the breathtaking view that opens up as you round the bend. No matter what season or what time of day it is stunning. I have been given some extraordinary opportunities both in my personal life and at work to do amazing things and meet amazing people. But it's a big world out there. Maybe there are stunning views in other states. Maybe I'm meant to just stay here. Time Will tell I guess. In the meantime I have no choice but to keep searching for the good in people and circumstances. I'll keep those with the same vision close and look for the good in those that have different ones and try to understand their vision.

I'm not sure where everything is heading in the future. Not sure if I'll be living in the same town or state, not sure if I'll be working or volunteering in the same capacities. I am now I'm not sure if I'll cut my hair Brittney style or grow it out but I can assure you I see the hole in the sidewalk, I know it's my fault I landed in it and I will not be doing it again.

Trials & tribulations

Being a Mom has always been my dream, well that and a country music singer. From a very early age I discovered when I sing people's ears would bleed (or so my eldest brother said). In those days and since I could always picture myself as a mom. I've poured my heart and soul into the job. There have been times I wondered if I would make it through the moments and times I prayed for moments to last.

I can't remember any more challenging of a time than right now. My youngest is in her final days of her senior year. It's been a challenging couple of months. First she had a terrible relationship that ended badly. It has taken months for him to stop harassing her. He has taken her confidence away from her and left her looking over her shoulder and questioning everything. She has been the subject of much gossip. Everything from her being a drug addict, to being pregnant to even worse things (if you can imagine).  She has been pushed to the edge of her ability to cope with it all. Just when she thinks it is settling down another round of rumors appear. She has cut herself off from nearly everything and everyone for fear of what will be said next. It's not just kids spreading rumors either. Some one turned in that she is using drugs so she had to be tested (someone must not have knows all of my kids have always been on a random drug pool kind of thing), questioned and watched, her teachers were told as a result and have treated her differently. No one bothered to tell them not only did she pass but she has also passed the weekly one administered at home (at $45 a pop). Friends of mine that haven't bothered to say two words to me in years all of a sudden send me screen shots of conversations about her (nothing noted where they stood up for her of course). She is struggling to hold it all together. Now should be an exciting time for her. She has worked very very hard and these last few days of school should be exciting, instead she gets anxiety at the thought of going to school and being treated differently or hearing more crap. She doesn't want to make plans and hang with friends because of what will be said next.

I've tried coaching her to ignore the gossip and to live her life to prove people wrong. I've tried proving the rumors wrong by tests and things. I've tried being an asshole. I've been angry at my daughter because clearly this crap must have something to do with who she is hanging out with or something she has done. I've tried medications, doctors appointments, apps on her phone, everything I can think of. The end result.... A 17 year old girl who wakes up a bundle of nerves, afraid to go to school and work who couldn't care less if she walks across the graduation stage with her classmates or not, or if she ever steps foot in work or goes to another event with friends again.

So what does a mother do? I've tried all I can think of and it just keeps going on and on. I alternate between wanting to take a few vacation days and hold her hand at school so she can get through the remaining days, to saying to hell with it don't go if you don't want to, to packing what I own the car and relocating. I'm at an actual loss. I don't want this time to set the stage for her future because we all know life doesn't really begin until after highschool.

Everyone I've spoken to has an idea. Some say tough love it and force her to go to school and deal with it head on. Which I've done and depending on the rumor of the day she may get through she may end up in the nurses office in a panic attack. Some say find the source and take action, which I have an idea but have been unable to prove.

The saddest thing about the last six months or so is to see the change my daughter. She has gone from being confident and sure to insecure and sad. I would give just about anything for the smile to be back in her eyes.

How quickly we forget

I've been on a journey lately to find the perfect underwear for a fat girl. For real this is a problem. I won't go into the details but it's really not as easy as one would think. This past year I have gained almost all of the weight back that I had lost. It's  upsetting that I'm starting back at square one but the truth is I did what I had to do to survive.

The day before yesterday I started having anxiety. It's really nothing new for me as I've had it for years, usually around the time mother nature visits. I've been able to manage it very well with magnesium, and some other things, however this time it wasn't working. Yesterday it got really bad. I have some rescue medication I got when my mom passed away that didn't even touch it. I was very near a full blown panic attack by the time I left work yesterday. I ran to Walmart to get yet another type of undies to try and decided if I was going to snap out of this I had to try everything I know to do so. I reached out to a friend, I did positive self talk, breathing exercises and I headed to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in a long time due to financial reasons & let me tell you it was just like the first time. Sweat appeared about half way through my first set of reps. I pretty much kept my head down and plugged away and guess what, by the time I headed out to my car my anxiety was gone. I got the best night sleep I've had in a long time & this morning I feel fantastic.

The familiar feeling of sore muscles makes me happy. I had forgotten this wonderful side effect of going to the gym. The anxiety reduction side. For me it's not about fitting comfortably into my clothes (which is way better than not), it's about being healthy. Mind, body & spirit. I haven't made that a priority in a long time, and I see now how big of a mistake that was.

For now I'm still on a quest for great undies, but I'm also on a quest for a better me.

It all matters

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my biggest pet peeves is to come home from work and have the TV turned onto the news and loudly hearing the twisted troubles of the world. My entire day is spent hearing peoples hard times & untangling messy situations for them. I love what I do & it brings me more pride than I can explain to be a part of peoples lives in such a way. For my own sanity however I must sometimes tune out current events. I need to come home & be busy with dinner prep or clean up. I need the biggest problem to be if Kevin studied for his test or Liana turned something in. I need to banter with my family and make memories that will carry me through the days when they are gone living their own lives. At least for a little while.

I've been watching the news here & there, reading articles & noticing posts on face book. Truthfully there is little question as to where I and my family stand on most subjects. If you aren't sure just check out the stickers Kevin has plastered all over my car. Truthfully my take is this: do what's right & it will all work out.

My explanation may cost me some friends & that's fine. To me it is simple. If you break the law you should have consequences. If you break the law or are suspected of breaking the law & run from police there is a very good chance you will be shot. Don't break the law & don't run & you won't be shot. I can not see where a person would need to break the law. Even if you are homeless and hungry there are alternative solutions to theft. Perhaps if a person is backed against the wall & has children to care for but even then there are options. Don't break the law. Simple. If you do break the law be a stand up kind of person & own it. You know you did it, own it & face the consequences. Just because someone has made bad choices once does not mean they will again. People deserve another chance, in most cases.

Don't be an asshole. For real. When you are an asshole apologise. I mean come on, at times we are all assholes. When you are one tell someone you are sorry. If people tell you that you are an asshole & you can't understand what is wrong with everyone, think about what you might be doing. Perhaps you are being a jerk. How hard can it really be? We all make mistakes. On that note a persons mistakes are not the fault of their children or future generations. By that I mean that I am sorry for things that happened years ago like the Native Americans having their land taken. I am sorry that people owned slaves. I'm sorry for the problems the Jews went through. I  sorry for a million things all of our ancestors did, none of that however is my fault. I am not to blame for any of it. I am not responsible for any of it. The truth is if we look into everyone's past there is a good chance we all have situations where there has been discrimination or miss treatment. I've been researching my ancestors & I haven't gotten all the way back to find out where everyone has come from but I so know I have some that were survivors of terrible situations. I don't feel entitled to a single thing based on their trials. There is a good chance someone, regardless of color or sex or any of the other labels we put on people will have had to deal with something that is not right. To me it feels like as far as race has come we, as a nation, have taken a giant step backwards in recent years. I can honestly tell you that I grew up thinking & believing every person is equal. It doesn't matter what color they are or who their parents are, everyone started with the same slate & how it all played out depended on the choices you (not your ancestors or those around you) made. Sometimes along the way shitty things happened & you just had to reevaluate and retry.

Growing up my family was one of the poorest in town. Often times we were the brunt of peoples jokes. I can't tell you the times I overheard teachers talking about our family. It was difficult to make and keep friends. Guess what.... I turned out pretty good. I have worked hard my whole life. It is not the fault of my parents or their parents. In fact the lessons I learned from my Mom & Dad have helped to build my life now. Good & bad. People need to stop having excuses & do the right thing.

I have seen many posts about republicans & democrats. How the problems of the world are a result of one or the other. Bullshit! When I see a post like that its all I can do not to point out how discriminating that is. One entire group is not responsible for the downfall of anything. Its a group effort. If you are 100% behind one group or another there is a good chance you are being closed minded. That is like saying all cheerleaders are dumb or all woman are bad drivers & is not only untrue but ignorant. One group be it Republican or a religion is not full of all good or all bad. Every group is equally mixed.

The bottom line is we all just need to do the right thing. When we don't do the right thing we need to correct that. Make good choices & for the love of God stop being assholes.

Fear is a liar

Today is the day! Today I stop standing by watching life pass by & I start rejoining the living. Almost a year ago...wait I guess its been two, I worked very hard at changing the way I looked, felt, thought & ate. I was the happiest I remember being in a very long time. Then everything got turned upside down.

For the last little bit I've just been sitting by watching the trains pass me by. Every once in a while I attempt to hop back on, however I've been unable to.

Today that changes. I am embarrassed by how much weight I have gained back but that is not going to define me. I am standing in the middle of the tracks and the only way that train is getting past is with me on it. For me it's more than just a few pounds I need to shed. Its life and death & I choose life!  I'm not looking to be anything other than healthy and a little bit badass.

I have signed up for a 16 week challenge to make changes. Kind of like a jump start back on the train I fell off. If you see me trying to slip or jump, feel free to throw rocks at me or whatever it takes.

I'm trying very hard to find the new way of life that I've got now that everything has changed. Today, while I feel nervous about stepping on the scale & worried I won't be able to keep up and make it through the workouts, I feel excited & alive & full of energy. I can't wait to go grocery shopping and prep foods again and be in control.

Today is a good day!