I have said time and again I was making this my best year yet and in many ways that has been true. In many ways however I feel like I take a couple of steps forward then a couple backwards. Here October is breathing down my neck & honestly I feel last year was way better for me. I'm not even sure how the year got away from me. I feel like I've spent the last 9.5 months waiting. Waiting to feel better, waiting for the money, waiting until I was finished with whatever was going on, always waiting for my next step. In the meantime I was taking steps backwards.
I said the whole time I was taking charge of my life and was going to move forward regardless of anything & here I am using the waiting as excuses not to push forward. Who cares if others can't hike on days I want to. Who says I can't hike on my own? I can. I should have been. Who says I can't eat right without an updated plan? I can. I should have been doing that. Who says I can't go to Florida to celebrate my friend because I was worried about spending the money we didn't have. I should have done that. After all the money I would have spent went to enable others to continue their bad behaviours while we continually scrape by. Who says I can't have it all. So what I've felt like shit for the whole damn year. Apparently this is my new normal so I should get off my ass anyway.
I've been so worried about stupid things that I have not done what I should have done. I've gotten into this little pattern that isn't really me. At work I've tried to sit back and stay out of things while others are speaking out about things they think are wrong, or sitting by while I watch others do things I think are wrong. I sit there watching it all unfold hoping when it all comes to a head (because these things always do), I could still be there unaffected & still there able to do what I do with a provider I believe in at a company I believe in. The result is I'm holding onto resentments that are making me clench my jaw resulting in a nonstop headache. Why? There is no damn reason for it. I've sat there in my little corner of the world watching and hearing it all pass by. Rather than it having the desired result I am the one that is the odd man out. Friday I nearly walked out of my job & that's not me. I fucking love my job. I honestly feel like I AM living the dream. Why would I allow the bullshit one person says / does affect me to the point of leaving what I love? The bottom line is I had a bad week then I heard someone say that a "real Nurse" had to do something as opposed to a co-worker that is an LPN. That's dumb. Who gives a shit what she thinks? Not me. I'm confident in my abilities as a nurse. I'm confident that in a emergency my provider can count on me to know what to do. Why would I allow one ignorant person to drag me into such a tail spin?
It was a terrible week. Actually its been a terrible month. Wednesday evening I just got home from work. Jeff was working, Liana was at her friends, Kevin was off with friends. I got home late, leaving crap at work do to the next day. Just got home and Kevin came rushing through the door. He told me to come outside which I did to find Tonia inconsolable. Their dog (Mopey), had been hit. These kids surprised me. They acted quickly and although they may have broken some traffic laws and narrowly escaped a high speed traffic chase, took charge of the situation and reacted to get him help. The next morning they had to transfer him to a different vet. Once they got him there the kids got the call they needed to get to the hospital as their Grandfather was not doing well. Before they got the chance to leave the house they got the call it was to late. The shitty thing about divorce is when you have to divorce the while family. I loved that man & would have wanted to go and say my own Goodbys but I didn't feel I could. As Kevin was headed to Tonia's that evening they got the call that Mopey didn't make it. So Friday he spent his day burying him. The poor kid has not had a chance to even feel the impact if what has happened because the hits keep coming.
I'm angry. Like really honestly, wholeheartedly pissed off. The kind of mad where I wanna run as hard & fast as I can to stop & scream at the top of my lungs and throw heavy things that will crash and break with a large amount of noise. The kind where I wanna punch and kick and basically destroy something.
The bottom line I guess is I've stuck my head in the sand and life kept going on around me while I was just stuck in the sand. And for what? Everything has just been excuses not to push forward. This is my life & I am responsible for it. I choose to be happy & positive. I choose to become the best version if me I can. I choose to allow the negativity of others to pass by me & I choose to try every day to be a positive influence to those I connect with. I basically don't give a shit what others think of me because at the end of the day caring what they think & say & do has caused me unneeded stress and the result is the same.
I WANT my success way more than anyone else in this world does & to get it I need to push forward, out of this slump.
Enough sorting all of this out out loud. Its time to get busy.
